Just another day of the week..

The Monday we left was my birthday. It was just another day of the week. Another day without him, another day I missed him. I chose that day to fly down to San Diego with the girls because I knew that we would be alone and no one would make a big deal about it. I did not want to celebrate. We drove down to Sacramento and S took us to the airport. It was a day like any other day. Just another day of the week. I never thought I would be here in these shoes. I never thought I would be here alone, approaching 40 with two small children to raise. I never thought they would be essentially fatherless at the tender ages of 5 and 3. It has been six months, half a year, and it has not gotten any easier. We left Sacramento and flew down to San Diego, and A met us at the airport. It was an unremarkable day, and an unremarkable flight. The girls enjoyed the adventure and it kept all of our minds and hands busy. It was good to be away. It was good to be where there were no demands or expectations. It was good to be where we did not have a history and everything was new. It was quite simply, much needed.

Another one gone, another one gone, another one bites the dust......

Year that is. Another year has come and gone. It went out with little fanfare in my house. We were all in bed before 10:30 and slept right thru the passage into the next decade. I met him in 1989, and we just passed thru 2009. Most of those years have been good years, even really good years. We have had our share of challenges and tragedy, but have always continued on. Gotten better even. Now that the worst year of our life has passed, there is a tiny bit of relief, a tiny part that I can put in a box and seal it up. I can look at that little black box and think, that was then, even though we are still living it now. I can look at that box and think that we will not have to open it again. There are still things to be dealt with and a long way to go down this path with an uncertain end. But that part that is in the box, it can stay in the box. We survived it. Not unscathed, but we have survived it. Some good has even come out of it. The good is the people. There are people I am so much closer to now. People that I know I can count on, people who have stayed the course with me. There are also those that have fractured under the weight of it all. But those that have stood with me, have brought me strength every day. We do not know what is coming, and I cannot even say that the worst is over, but that part that is in the box, it can stay in the box as we move forward. Not unscathed, but we did survive.

Life...

This was given to me recently and I really liked it.

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's
workshop.'

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family,
pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county;
to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa...
It has been a hell of a year. I have lost my grandfather, my friend and my conscious husband. I have tried to be good, but I admit that my patience has been tried. The girls have been amazing, but the cracks are starting to show in all of us. I am not sure what this Christmas is going to bring for us, or even what you can do. I am not sure why I feel compelled to write to you, but I do. We are not expecting your usual "physical" visit this year, as who else could step into your shoes for a night but him. This will be the first Christmas the girls have not had you drop by for a visit. I decided that it would be too difficult on all of us, to be here at home. The girls and I are going to do something different this year. We are going to San Diego to be with M&A for A's first Christmas. I know that will be a good distraction for all of us, and perhaps it will make your absence less noticeable. The girls are excited about a plane ride and getting to play with their baby cousin. I found the box with your spare suit in the barn, complete with gloves, glasses and boots. I had to close it back up, as it was too hard to look at. I know that you are really busy right now and in the crunch time, so I will get right to it. Really I only have two things on my list anyway. Please make sure the girls have a good Christmas. I have tried to cover all of the bases, but let's face it, he has always been the one to pick out your gifts for the girls. I got them each a gift for him to give to them this weekend when we go up there. It will make them happy to run in to see him, and have him waiting freshly shaven with gifts in hand. It breaks the ice for them, and makes them feel connected to him for a few minutes. I have had a harder time finding something to leave out for them on Christmas. I mean what can I get for them that is going to make their eyes light up? I can think of only one thing, but of course it was not available in any store I went to. Please let them be happy for a little while and let them not feel his loss so greatly, just for a day or two. The other thing I am asking for is Hope. Hope for the new year. Hope that he gets transferred as we have been waiting for, hope that we can get the answers we have been seeking and hope that he might still be in there waiting for us to find him. I know that two items seems like a short list, but I am sure you realize after reading them, that really it is everything. I know it is a lot to ask but really they have been so good. They have tried so hard. They have been so patient. So much more patient than I and so much more than we have a right to expect. This is such a huge and amazing burden for two small girls and I can honestly say after watching them these past six months, they are their father's daughters. They are so young, so incredibly small to have to carry such a big burden and wait in limbo for so long. I am so afraid that E won't remember him and how very much he has loved her. And H, I watch her go still and see her gaze glaze over and I know what she is thinking. She knows what it is like to be adored by her daddy, and to have that taken away is so cruel. I know that I am asking alot, but if there is anything you can do, I sure would appreciate it. Drive carefully, we will see you in SD. XO L

A black and white girl in a full color world....

I am strong. I am learning to embrace it. I don't know any other way to be than how I am. It is both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because it what gives me clarity, it carries me through. It is also a curse because it is what distances me from people. People seem to think that I have super human strength or that I expect them to be like me, for me. The truth is I do not have super human strength. I just cope with things the only way that I know how. Part of me shuts down and I focus on the details. I compartmentalize, I analyze, and I plan. I have to do this, it is what makes me feel in control when there is nothing in my control. I can control my actions and I can control my reactions. I also have a very strong sense of right and wrong, or black and white. That is the part I do not see as strength, that is the part that just "is" for me. That is the part that I do not doubt. I do not have trouble making a decision. It is either right or it is wrong. I do not have a problem with that, but I know others find it more challenging. I have always known that others find this intimidating. In my work life, I was able to use it to my advantage, but in my personal life it is sometimes more difficult. It causes confusion to even those closest to me. Sometimes people think they have to live to a standard that they think that I am holding. They think that I expect them to be like me. That I need them to be like me. The truth is, I do have high standards of behavior. The truth is that I also understand that everyone does not always think like me. He doesn't. He never has. One of his favorite things to tell me was "it is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission", exasperating yes, but also true. He always knew that if he gave me time to think about things, I would pull them apart in my head and analyze it to death. It would drive me crazy, but it is also why we work. I already am me, I do not need me. There are those wonderful people who are feeling like they are not helping me enough or are failing me in some way, because either they do not know what to do or because they think they cannot be like me. I am me, I do not need me. The people we surround ourselves with help to balance us, to ground us. They give us perspective and temper us. I am so fortunate to have so many people like this around me. They have given me what I need, when I need it. The truth is we all feel helpless. But they have been helpful. They have cared for my children, when I needed a break. They have cared for me when I felt alone. They have offered their support at all hours of the days or nights. They have just sat and talked with me when I felt bottled up with all of the compartments I had been carefully putting aside. They have given me what I need. They have given my children normalacy, entertainment, discipline and love, when what I had to give was not enough. This is what I have needed, this is all I have needed. There is nothing else I need that is anyone elses power to give. I know that some people see me and how I cope and think that I am doing it all, but the truth is there are people behind me. They are holding me up in the ways that I need. They don't know how much they are doing. They think that what they are doing is not enough, but it is everything.

Walking the line...

Another week has passed. Days running into each other, turning into weeks, working on 6 months. It is hard to believe that so much time has passed already. In some ways it seems like forever, but in others just the blink of an eye. I can clearly remember our last conversations. I can remember every detail of the phone call I got the following morning. Our cracks are starting to show. We are all tired, exhausted really. The girls are still doing amazingly well, but when you look the signs of strain are there as well. They have been more tired, more emotional at times, missing him more. The are alternately getting excited about Christmas and talking about how much they miss him. 6 months is a long time to live in limbo, a long time to hear "I don't know", 6 months is 1/6th of E's entire life. I miss him. I miss him terribly. My children's pain, that brings me to my knees. It agonizes me. What is equally as devastating is the thought that they might not have memories as sharp as mine. I worry that his memory, his smell,the sound of his laughter, the feel of his arms around them, that those things are fading in their memories. That they might never know these things again is a pain so excruciating it makes me physically nauseous to think about. I wonder how I can possibly be everything that they need, how I can lessen that void even a little bit. It seems nearly impossible. I don't know how I can make up for this. Instead I keep them busy. I keep our life moving and schedules full. We have a regular routine, and I add to it, to keep us busy and moving daily. They are starting to get wise to it. Especially H, I think she has figured out it is all a shell game. She has also figured out my number. She knows the one card to play that will stop me in my tracks every time. "I miss my Daddy". No matter where we are or what we are doing those words make my stomach drop and she knows it. It is a fine line to walk, knowing the difference between when they need to talk about it, when they just want attention or when they are trying to divert my attention. They are smart. They are brilliant. And I am walking the line.

We've Just Begun...

It has been a hectic week. First E decided to give her sister a haircut. I left them with art supplies at the table and went to check on my burn pile. When I came back in the house the art was abandoned but I found a little pile of hair in the center of the table. My gut dropped to my knees and I yelled for the girls, racing towards their room. They were calmly sitting there playing barbies. I held up the fistful of hair and questioned them. H looked up from combing her dolls hair and calmly said "She cut my hair", why did she do such a thing I asked? H said "we were playing beauty shop, but I told her not to really cut my hair, but she did anyway" I looked from one girl to the other, and they were so unconcerned about their mother standing there waving a handful of hair around. I asked H, "aren't you upset that she cut your hair?" "why?" she asked. Why? Why????? Because it makes every mother crazy that is why, I thought in my head before replying "because it ruined your hair" "Ruined my hair?" this time some mild concern. "Yes ruined your hair" "But mommy won't it grow back?" "well yes, but it will take a long time" "Oh, that's Ok, I'll wait". She'll wait? She can't wait for me to finish clearing the dishwasher before I get her juice and she will "just wait" until her hair grows back??? I marched her into the bathroom to assess the damage, a chunk out of the back and one on the side. Luckily I was able to taper the sides around her face to blend in the missing chunk. The back was a little trickier. Luckily I am the proud owner of a pair of thinning scissors and I went to town to blend in and add layers to the back. It was almost dead center. Auugghh.

We started out the whole week with the hair affair, and hit the ground running from there. I left the girls with K on Wednesday and took the time to run up for a mid week visit. I took him outside and we sat and enjoyed the crisp air and fall leaves. I spent about 2hours outside with him, telling him about the girls and playing videos of their thanksgiving feast, and other school activities. He was quiet, he was tired. I had the opportunity to talk to one of the occupational therapists, who said that she had had the best response ever from him in their session on Sunday. She said she was able able to get him to respond to her 4 out of 5 times consistently when asking him to move his arms from side to side. This was good. I got back to K's to pick up the girls and E was not feeling well. She ended up with a fever and the pukies Wednesday night. We drove down to take H to school and I came home to let E rest all day. D was so nice to pick up H for me and run her over to KP so I could let E rest until she was ready to wake up. It was really good for her. She has been in decent spirits but has been wiped out and not interested in eating much. She at least has been drinking fluids. I am not sure who is more wiped out her or I. She has been so good, but it still is hard to have one down for the count and the other bouncing off of the walls. I am tired. I think it is time for some rest.

P.S. They are "feeling the love" but not loving it so much. I have gotten more less veiled threats. I do not take kindly to threats. Sadly if they had been more civilized much of this could have been avoided. I think the message has been received, loud and clear. They do not have to answer to only the wife, but an entire community of people that are watching them to see what happens. It is important that they know that, that they continue to know that. Thank you, I appreciate the ongoing support. I know he does too. They can choose to end it at any time by doing the right thing...

We've Only Just Begun

We've only just begun to live
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we're on our way
We've only begun

Before the rising sun we fly
So many roads to choose
We start our walking
And learn to run
And yes! We've just begun

Sharin' horizons that are new to us
Watchin' the signs along the way
Talkin' it over just the two of us
Workin' together day to day, together
And when the evening comes we smile
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow
And yes! We've just begun

Sharin' horizons that are new to us
Watchin' the signs along the way
Talkin' it over just the two of us
Workin' together day to day, together, together
And when the evening comes we smile
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow
And yes! We've just begun

by The Carpenters

All's Fair in Love and War...

That is how the saying goes...."all is fair in love and war" well this is love and this is war. This is my Love and we are fighting a war. We have fought to get to this point and it seems so unfair to be so close and have it remain just out of grasp. He has been waiting for WC to pick up his claim, waiting to move to the brain injury program. They have picked up his claim, but still they make him wait. They make him wait and they make me justify his being transferred. They are for the transfer but they want to dictate where, and it just so happens the "where" does not specialize in brain injury any more than the place he is in. Oh they all can give him medicine and do range of motion exercises, but is that all he deserves? He is 39 years old, a husband, a father of a 3 & 5 year old, a son, a brother, a friend, 3 time officer of the year (this year included!), in good physical health, he deserves more, he deserves a shot, he deserves his best shot. I am not asking for experimental treatment in Austria, or even another state. I am asking for the best treatment and evaluation available here, in the North State. Is that so unreasonable? Is that more than he deserves? He has had no neurological treatment or evaluation since he moved to Redding. Isn't it time? Do not get me wrong, I am not expecting this place to work miracles, but I think they are the best chance for an accurate assessment as well as a realistic picture of where we are. That is what they do. Our lives have been on hold these last few months, as we waited and worked to get here, and now that we are here, they are inventing new obstacles and then making threats to me when I challenge them. Well I am going to challenge them, so they better get used to it. This is OUR life, not a number, or a name on a claim form. This is a real man. A good man. A great man. The best man I know. And it is time to fight for him. And now I need your help.It is time to rally the troops. So Troops, let's rally! I want them to know that I will not be pushed around, or go quietly into submission. I need them to know that he deserves this chance. Someone reminded me today that there is a special place in hell for people like this, who would make threats to a family that has already lost so much. Been through so much. I think he was right. I am going to post the contact information for the WC attorney, the WC adjuster and the WC insurance company. Please write to them. Please fax them. Please e-mail them, Please call them. Do whatever you are comfortable with, but please help me speak for him, when he is unable to speak for himself. I would like it to be in your words, your voice, so they know the support that we have, the support that he has. The more they are reminded the more likely they are to put a face and a family to this wonderful man. Help me help him.

WC Attorney
Richard A. Weyuker, Esq.
Cuneo, Black, Ward & Missler
700 University Avenue, Ste. 110
Sacramento, Ca. 95825
(916) 363-8822 (fax) 363-8821
rweyuker@cbwmlaw.com
RAW@cbwmlaw.com

WC Claims adjuster
Raymond Haynes
ray.haynes@yorkisg.com
(916)960-0926

WC Insurance Company
York Insurance
P.O. Bo 619058
Roseville, CA 95661-9058
(800)922-5020 xt 0926

To quote a line from one of his old time favorite movies "they drew first blood". They started it, help me finish it. All's fair in Love and War.......

Giving Thanks...

Tonight I am giving thanks to alot of people, a whole crew of people. R&D's crew of people. R has been planning this for sometime, the extent of his planning was not clear to me until today, but it is obvious he is not only good at what he does, he is great at it. He organized a crew of family and friends to come up here and take care of a few projects. I don't even know how you can thank people properly for what they did today. R had them organized into crews and they worked all day on various projects some running back forth from crew to crew. Last weekend, my BIL M made a commando run all the way up from San Diego and back again in a 24 hour period, in order to bring me a generator. A fantastic wonderful thing, that will come on AUTOMATICALLY if we lose power, how is that for fantastic. He met R here at the house while I was at the hospital, so that it would be here for the big day. R,C, K and A were all in the back making and prepping a pad for the generator to go on. On the back deck A, T, B and M, worked all day tearing out the old supports for the deck awning and replacing them with new and improved ones. R and D worked all day in the shop finishing the rewiring that R & R had started before. B & R helped me strip wallpaper border from my room, D taped and prepped and C & I painted it. S stacked up the wood he had brought the week before and ran errands back and forth all day. It was an amazing day. I was speaking to R yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner, we were talking about the plan for today. I told him how much I appreciated that they were all coming up here, and he told me "there was nothing fun for guys to do the day after Thanksgiving." Today after it was all said and done I asked him if he was sure that he wouldn't have had more fun at those Black Friday sales. He smiled and told me that he had a great time today. The smile was in his eyes. I heard those sentiments echoed all day today. They were having a great time, and I was the grateful recipient of an extreme home makeover. It was a pretty awesome experience. I cannot wait to tell him about all of the projects that were finished today. I think he will be grateful too. Tonight I am thankful, and giving thanks......Thank you.

Thankful and Faithful...

He has a new roommate. We had not yet met. I had gotten to his room, and was busy about my business. I was shaving him, trimming the goatee, and going through our stretching routine, when I heard a voice on the other side of the curtain. First I heard a muffled statement, and paused, not sure if he was speaking to me. Then I heard it again. I took a step back to see the man on the other side of the curtain. He was older 70+, and he was sitting upright in his bed. I smiled at him, and said I was sorry I hadn't heard him. He looked up at me and cleared his throat, and repeated "I said I admired your faithfulness" I must have looked puzzled because he repeated it again this time adding that he had been listening to me talk, and that he admired my faithfulness to my husband. He was very sincere, and not concerned that he had been listening to my conversation. I wasn't really bothered by his eavesdropping, but rather curious by his lack of awareness of it. I spoke with him for a time. I told him that we have been together for 20 years, and it was not my faithfulness that was being challenged but his. I explained to him, that really I have no other options, but that man there in the bed, he is the one with options. He is the one who is having his faithfulness challenged. He is the one who has to chose to fight, to return to us. He is the one who is facing the unknown journey, the one who has to have faith in the unknown and the uncertain. I only have to have faith in him. That is the easy part. I have had faith in him for 20 years and he has never let me down. Aggravated me beyond belief at times, but never let me down. I have faith in him. Faith that he will do whatever he can to come back to us. He has to have faith that whatever the journey brings, he can overcome it. He has to have faith that no matter how hard it is or how long it takes, that in the end it will be worth it. I have to just have faith in him. I rest my cheek on that familiar chest, or look into those green eyes and it is easy for me to have faith in him. For that I am thankful.....

A moment too soon...

It seems that I spoke too soon or that my lesson in patience is not over. It seems that while WC has decided to pay for his care, they don't seem to like the care that I chose. I only had 4 months to research it, get referrals, talk to people, doctors, and plan. I guess all of that means little to them, as they are just concerned about the geography of the hospital. It is funny to me that they would send me a letter accepting the claim and stating that they would be "working with me to provide the best care possible" for my husband, and then argue with me and and send me veiled threats when they are the ones who came late to the party. I have found the best possible place for him to go. I am willing to take the distance, to sacrifice the time, and they are concerned about geography. It is all about "utilization of resources". Well I say "Bring It". I am determined to get him there. They might not make it easy, and I might make it really difficult but I am determined. As I said to someone recently, I am the one who has to tuck his children in bed at night, and I am the one that has to look into their eyes when they tell me how much they miss him. I have to be able to look at them, and know that I have done everything possible to bring their father back to them. Everything in my power. They are the only ones that I answer to in all of this, so I say BRING IT. They want to leave me hanging for 4 months. Want to make me wonder and worry, as it came down to the final hours of his coverage, and now they want an opinion. They want the final opinion. I think not. It seems that I rested a moment too soon. Or perhaps it was the rest I needed to go on to the next battle. Well it is on, and not a moment too soon. I am rallying the troops, and we will press on.

I will follow him...

I WILL FOLLOW HIM (Little Peggy March)

I will follow Him, follow Him wherever He may go,
And near Him, I always will be,
For nothing can keep me away, He is my destiny.

I will follow Him, ever since He touched my heart I knew,
There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high, it can keep,
Keep me away, away from His love.

I love Him, I love Him, I love Him,
And where He goes, I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow.

I will follow Him, follow Him wherever He may go,
There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high, it can keep,
Keep me away...

I will follow Him (follow Him),
Follow Him wherever He may go,
There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high, it can keep,
Keep me away, away from His love...

I love Him (Oh yes, I love Him)
I'll follow (I'm gonna follow)
True love (He'll always be my true, true love)
Forever (Now until forever)
I love Him, I love Him, I love Him,
And where He goes, I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow,
He'll always be my true love, my true love, my true love,
From now until forever, forever, forever...

There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high, it can keep,
Keep me away, away from His love.

Those songs are playing in my head again. It is hard to know what is going on in his head. Now that we have the WC on board, I have shifted gears and am planning the next steps for him. They have done a great job where he is, getting his body ready for the next step, but he now needs more than they can give. After doing much research and talking to many professionals, I have gotten him accepted to a a brain injury program in Kentfield. This is in Marin county. It is about a 3 hour drive from here. They will doing a series of drug therapy called "activating" drugs, they have a neuro-psychologist and many other options not available here. He is ready. We are waiting for the details to shake out, but it should be soon. People have been asking me many questions, "are you going to move there?"...of course not. Our life is here, the girls school is here, we all need stability right now. "How will you manage the long drive?"......It is a long drive, and I will not be able to be there as much, but we will make it work. We will take turns going to be with him. I am thinking of it as if he were going to school. He is going there to learn, to see what he is capable of, and that is all up to him. He still needs our support, and our protection, but we have gotten him and his body strong. He is in "fighting shape" it is his turn now. His turn to lead us. I will follow him....

With baited breath.....

I was sitting at the table with friends yesterday when I got the message. I heard the familiar bleep of my phone letting me know that I have e-mail. It has been my trusty companion for the last 4 months, never far from my side. I saw the familiar name and held my breath. I could feel my stomach sink, and my fingers shake as I scrolled down the screen. It was one sentence. One very powerful sentence. When I read it, I felt my shoulders slump. I felt a warm rush of relief flow through my body. The enormous weight had been lifted. "Work Comp has accepted the claim" That statement changed everything. The last two weeks have been some of the most stressful of my life, perhaps even more stressful than those first days. You see yesterday was his last day of hospitalization coverage under his health insurance. As of this morning the hospital was going to start billing me $800.00 per day for his care. I was under the gun. I have made every phone call I could think of. I was in daily communication with my attorney, but time was running out.We filed the claim the first week this happened. It took this long. They took it all. I understand it is big for them, the money is a concern, but I also know that I was already in the most difficult situation of my life and they made it harder. They drug it out, they caused me more pain and stress. They took my time and energy. Things that I could have used for my children and husband. They made me jump through hoops and expend energy that could have been better used. I am angry about that. I will allow myself some today to be angry about that. Then I will pick up and move forward. I am a planner. Type A to the T, and this entire situation has effectively booted me out of my comfort zone and left me at the mercy of others and the system. My stomach has been in knots, my sleep has been almost non existent. I have been tired, distracted, and just plain worn out. Thankfully S took the girls for me these last two days, as I watched my stress level reach an all time high. There are moments that I actually felt removed from my body, like I was watching someone else's life from a distance. What does this mean? It is peace of mind. His medical care is covered. No matter what happens with the rest of it, his care is covered. That is huge, that is everything. We have a long road ahead. So much ground to gain, but the path is now paved. One less thing that I have to worry about. One really big thing. Now we can get back to business at hand. We can get back to the important stuff, the part that my girls will remember. We can get back to their daddy, to helping him heal.

A quiet weekend...

We had a quiet weekend. After R & R came up to put in my new heaters, (which we LOVE), they took the girls back up with them so I could have the evening to myself and have the morning to get my orders out before heading north. When I got up to see him, he was getting ready to have a shower so I shaved him and trimmed up the goatee so he would feel really fresh when he came back. He usually loves having his shower, and came back to rest in a very peaceful sleep. I left him sleeping to head to C&L's for dinner. MAC had decided to have all of the kids over there for a sleepover party, and give us parental types another child free night and chance to sleep in. The kids had a great time, playing together, and generally torturing MAC. I got up in the morning and headed to the hospital to spend the day with him. He was awake and looking around I talked to him about the girls, the week, school, Halloween and all the other little details of life. We got him up in his chair, and decided to have a quiet afternoon. I pulled his chair around, put my chair up next to his and pulled the TV down in front of us. I turned the lights off and searched for a movie. I found Lethal Weapon, on of his all time favorites, and put it on. I held his hand and put my head on his shoulder, we spent the next two hours as we have spent so many before them. Sitting together in a darkened theater, watching a movie. Going to the movies is another of his favorite things. He would go over and over to see the same movie, yet could quote lines word for word after the first viewing. So we sat there just as we had in those days past. Me curled around his arm, with my head on his shoulder, no words needed as we quietly watch the movie. I can close my eyes and breathe in the scent of him. In those moments we just are. There are no expectations, no words missing from the conversation, no gray hospital walls. There is no uncomfortable silence, there is just us. In that moment we just are. He is giving everything he can to me. His warmth, his strength, his presence. I am soaking it in, drawing it in, and allowing the calm to wash over me. I am comforted by it, I allow myself to relax. To be quiet. We will turn on the lights and leave the "theater" later. First we will enjoy the "normal" we can have. We will mourn again later for the things we have lost, the things we are missing, but for now we will quietly enjoy the moment. We will be still. When I close my eyes and feel the warmth of his shoulder under my cheek, the contstant rythym of his breathing, I can breathe.

Waiting for Winter...

It has been a helluva week. I am exhausted. We started the week with our usual busy Monday, and we added dentist appointments for all three of us. The girls did great, E even volunteered to go first! From there we went to lunch, then school, the post office, swimming lessons, the grocery store and finally home. Tuesday started out with it's usual fanfare, getting both lunches packed, both girls ready for school, packing our sharing item, getting both girls down the hill and into school, then coming home for the glorious few hours I get to myself during the week. A picks up the girls for me so that I have time to come home and get a few things done without helping hands. However when I got all the way home on Tuesday (35 minutes from the school)there was a message waiting for me that H was in the office not feeling well. I turned right around and headed back down the hill to pick her up. I had to take E out a little early so we could get home and let H go down for a rest. A little fever, she said her tummy hurt, she slept for the day and was back on the mend the next day. I thought we would spend a quiet day or so at home, put the movies on for the girls, let them rest and have Popsicles. Well that worked for H, but little E must have been channeling her wild inner monkey, because that kid was all over the place. She is usually my girl who will play quietly at my feet as I am filling orders, or sneak off in her bedroom only to be found quietly playing pretend. Not this week. That girl was just full of herself. She was bouncing off the furniture, literally. She was laughing, jumping, and running around. She was having long real and pretend conversations on the phone. She was having wild and intricate pretend scenarios involving a wolf costume (something she just made up and kept pretending) and all kinds of adventures she was having. Of course all of my allergies have drained leaving me with a froggy throat and a cough, this on top of watching H, and trying to just stay out of E's way, has left me spent. I got nothing done this week. Something good happened today though. Actually something great. R &R came down to the house today and spent all day going through our electrical panel and installing our brand new heaters! In all these years we have heated pretty much strictly with wood. We have two very good stoves, one at each end of the house. They do a good job if you are home to tend them. With our crazy and inconsistent schedule it is hard to keep the home fires burning all day. We have often used portable heaters to supplement or just take the chill off. I have never been really comfortable with them, always worrying that one of the girls might trip over one on a midnight potty break. I looked at some different options and got some opinions. Our house has never been ducted for heating or air, and I decided it was too much of an investment to take on right now, but I wanted to have something to make it a little easier on us. I got Cadet room heaters. Each one goes into the wall and has it's own individual thermostat. They put them in all the bedrooms, the main bathroom and the living area. They work beautifully! It was alot of work, they worked all day, but I am so pleased with the results! And to top it off, R took the girls home with him, so that I can sleep in tomorrow morning before heading up! Another thing that helps make our life more manageable. Makes it not seem quite so overwhelming. S also brought us a load of wood last weekend to add to what we already have, and I am feeling warm and snug going into winter. And I get to sleep in tomorrow!

The Beast of Burden...

No one ever wants to be a burden, myself included. I have several friends who have recently been telling me that they feel badly that they have not helped me or done something for me recently. They have helped me when I needed them, I remind them. I do not want to put the all of our needs on any one or two people. They were there at the time that I needed them, doing the things that I needed at the time. It is a fine balance. You appreciate the help, even need it, but do not want to exhaust others with your life. At some point it is your life and you have to be responsible for it. You do not want to be a burden. I have other friends who I am relying more heavily on now, because of time and circumstance. Some could not be there in the beginning for the long hospital shifts, but now they are helping in the ways that we need now. I appreciate everyone's help, those that I relyed on more then, and those that I am relying on more now. I do not wish to be a burden on any of them. It is a fine line, to be able to accept help and be grateful for it, and to worry that you are leaning too much, taking too much from others. Last week was a crazy chaotic week. It was Halloween, H was Butterfly of the Week, we had flutterbye the class mascot come home for a visit, school carnival, costume parade, baked 6 dozen cupcakes for the cakewalk, made creepy witch fingers for our special class treat, helped in the classroom, juggled lawyers and doctors, swimming lessons, the house, the yard, all of the usual activities, it was one thing to another, a very busy week. I was very busy and caught up in all of the chaos. Some people asked me why I would volunteer to help with the carnival, the classroom, the treats, considering the circumstances. My girls will only have one childhood, and it is not stopping because of what is going on. I still have a job to do, and that has not changed, in fact my jobs have increased. I am doing what I planned, what we planned to do for them. Certainly someone else could have baked cupcakes, but H is still talking about the "cupcake decorating party" and I think that makes it clear that it is the right thing to do. If she is talking about cupcakes, instead of crying about her Daddy, then it was the right thing.

We finished the week by heading north. I spent time with him on Sat. showing him the Butterfly Queen costume I made for H while I sat with him, sewing on the final rhinestones. The girls Trick-or-Treated with D's family, a gaggle of 9 kids bopping through the neighborhood, they had a great time. I knew that E did not quite understand the whole concept, but when they went to the first house and she turned around with a huge grin and said "Mommy, I got candy!" she caught on fast. It was wonderful to watch them, laughing and showing off their buckets of treats. They had a carefree and wonderful time.

I was on the way to the hospital on Sun. when I got the news. I had lost a friend. We had been friends for more than 10 years. She and I were very different, but still we always had much to talk about. I met her in the first antique mall that I was in, and we fell into an easy friendship. She was old enough to be my mother, but she was never motherly to me. She was just my friend. I loved to tease her about her love of 60's kitch. She liked purple and bright colors, and hated to wear shoes. She loved a good treat and was always generous with sharing. She and I did many craft and antique shows together over the years. If we had not seen each other in awhile, we could still pick up and start a conversation, never running out of things to say. I teased her about her old fashioned expressions. "we're cooking with gas now!" was one she liked to use. She loved her family, she was always thoughtful, and she was my friend. When I had H, she came to see me in the hospital, moments after they had taken her in a helicoptor to Davis. When I was pregnant with E and had to spend every Monday getting a 7 hour infusion, she would come and visit me. She would sit with me and talk, or bring lunch, like we were having a picnic. She came to my girls birthday parties, and remembered to send them cards at holidays. She was a good friend. A mutual friend called to give me the news. I had to pull over on the side of the road to catch my breath. She found out she was ill a few weeks ago, and had been in the hospital the week before. Why, I wondered did she not tell me. She did not want to add to my burden Y told me. She knew how much I had on my plate. The rest of our conversation passed in a blur as another part of my brain kicked in and went to the last time I saw her, the last time we talked on the phone, the last note I got from her, the last e-mail we had exchanged. When I got to the hosptial I told him about it. It was hard to sit there by his bed and cry, and not be able to have him comfort me. When I got home last night from our busy Monday schedule, her husband called me. I told him how sorry I was, and what a great friend she was. I told him that I wished I had known, had been able to see her or offer her some comfort. He told me that she had not wanted to burden me. That she knew the stress and pressure that I was already in, and she had not wanted to add to it. A friend to the end. She didn't want to burden me. That burden is a beast. Would I have taken some of the burden to be able to see her and talk to her one more time, yes.

D and I had a conversation about this not too long ago. About my viewing my needs as a burden, and her trying to convince me that it was a gift that I can give to others. I can see that with my friend. I can see that I would have taken the burden, to recieve the gift. The gift of her presence. The gift of her precious time. The gift of her spirit one more time. I see that. It is a much harder place to be in for yourself. I have a harder time wrapping my mind around acceptance for myself. This conversation exasperated D, she wanted me to see that I have different standards for myself than I do for others. Why is that? Burden.....is a beast.

A season of change....

To everything there is a season...... (The Byrds)

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time of war, a time of peace
A time of love, a time of hate
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late!

Even though it is a little before my time, I have always liked that song. It is just the kind of thing that sticks in your head and you find yourself humming it to yourself in the car. Or maybe that is just me. It is a season of change. The leaves are falling (again and still!) The evenings are cooling off and the mornings are crisper. We have hit the four month mark. It has really creeped up on me. I was talking on the the phone to S the other day and she said something about 4 months having passed, and I told her it was not 4 months yet, then there was a pause as we both counted back and she gently confirmed that it had been just over 4 months. Four seems so much greater than three. Three seems like a blip, four feels like an eternity. Four months is a whole season of the year. We have gone to summer into fall. It is a season of change. We still do not know any more than we did before. We are still waiting. Waiting on him, the mercy of the system, for a miracle. The one thing that we do know, is that it is time for him to move. His body remains stable and the random reports of responses still come in. It has become clear however, that he has gone as far as he can go where he is. He needs new stimulation, different therapy if he is to have the best chances. The have brought his body from the fragile state it was in, to where he is now, but they can go no further. They do not have the programs and training for what he needs now. He needs a brain injury program, one with more mental stimulation and exercises. I am investigating the possibilities and speaking with the directors of two facilities in California. Neither is close. It will be hard. But we have all nurtured his body and his spirit, it is now time for him to be in a place where they can give him those things that we cannot. He needs to go to school. Like any parent sending their child away to school, we know that we cannot do this for him. This is the part that he has to do, and he has to be in the right environment to do it. With the best tools at his disposal. If it were all in my control he would be there now, he is ready, but of course this is another exercise in patience as we wait for the stars to align and the system to work it's process. One thing I know for certain, to everything there is a season. This is a season of change.

Butterfly of the Week!

It seems like an innocuous statement, but that is some powerful mojo in our house. Butterfly of the week is a cross between being a rock star, having your birthday for a whole week and being a princess. You get to bring special snack, share everyday, have your parents come in and talk about work or hobbies, be the teachers helper, and many other equally high ranking duties. The exciting buzz through the household is palpable. Even the title holds mystical powers. When it was time to leave R&D's from the weekend, I was met with the usual moans and groans about not wanting to leave their cousin. However, this time I merely had to dangle the magic words "Butterfly of the Week" and the children were magically seated in their seats. When we got home jammies were willingly and happily donned. Teeth were brushed, and smiling children toddled off to bed. That is some good magic, powerful magic. It was so lovely and stress free coming home tonight, that if the rest of the week goes as well as tonight, I might just start issuing my own titles to see if I can hold onto it a little longer. I will even hand out tiaras, I mean I am not above a little bribery. Okay I might even relish it a little. We have always been a little bit fond of pitting the children against one another for our own personal entertainment. Oh nothing physical or permanently damaging, just a little competitive incentive. That never hurt anyone, right? Our motto has always been, we brought them into this world, we feed them,clothe them, and house them, the least they can do is provide us with a little entertainment. We have spent many an evening laughing over the heads of the children as we watch their vexed little faces as they compete to out do one another. It is just one more thing that I miss. In the midst of the chaos, I miss being able to share that little humor with their father, my partner. I miss being able to shoot a knowing look over their little heads, and know that we are both on the same page or remembering the same memory. I miss giving them the stern face lecture, and then looking at him with a secret smile because we both actually thought what they did was funny. I just miss him. I am watching our little butterfly spread her wings, and I think that he deserves to be here to watch it for himself.....

It's my Potty and I'll cry if I want to....

Yesterday was a day. We have been in the battle of the wills or potty training for some time. We had gone through most of the normal tricks, when he came up with a brilliant idea. I was getting frustrated being the primary "hounder" trying to remind E to use the potty. He took E to the store and let her pick out her own pink potty. He then decided to bribe H to take on the "hounding" job. It was genius really. Using the greed of one to help train the other. He has always had a very good insight to human nature.If she could get her sister to go, then they would both get a treat. It was working really well before all of this happened. Since June it has been an up and down roller coaster. She knows how to go. I told her that she cannot go to school (which she loves) if she goes in her pants, and she has held it really well, until yesterday. I spoke to the pediatrician, and he reminded me that it was her form of control in her world where there are so many things that are out of her control. I know what that feels like. The loss of control, the desperate grasping at things you think you can control. It doesn't mean that it went any easier for me yesterday. As a matter of fact it was a complete disaster. It was picture day in preschool, I was driving for the kindergarten field trip to the pumpkin patch for the other one. We got to the school and E had an accident, then tried to hide it. My frustration was already at it's breaking point, and I had no time to have a patient discussion on the merits of using the potty. I could feel the emotions, the pain, the frustration, the anger, the panic, the feelings of defeat and inadequacy, wash over me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell, I wanted to cry right along with her. I wanted to curl up into a ball in the middle of the preschool play yard and just sob. Luckily A was there, she told me she would take care of it. She told me to go with H on her field trip. I left her there with my screaming child, and I went to be with the other one. I worried about her the whole time. As I watched H running around, or felt her arms wrap around me as she launched herself at me, I knew that I had made the right decision, but I still worried. When we finished the field trip and got to pick up E, she was happily playing and running around. She had missed her school photos. I was wiped out. I could not think of running errands or going to the store. We came straight home. They ran around and played, me all the time praying for bedtime so I could just....be. Be quiet, be still, be alone. When it finally came, I collapsed. Emotionally spent. This motherhood stuff, it isn't for sissies, and doing it solo...... "It's my potty and I'll cry if I want to"....or perhaps "Oh my mama told me, There will be days like this ... my mama told me."

He'd do it for me...

He'd do it for me. That is a statement I have been hearing alot lately. So many people have offered their help, their support, their time, their resources, and when I thank them, I get a shrug and "he'd do it for me." I cannot even say how many times I have heard that over the last few months. It is his living legacy to us. It sets the bar so high, it is the example he has set for our daughters to witness. It is what comforts me, what keeps me going every day.It would be so much harder to get up each and every day and not have these constant reminders of what we are fighting for. I spent a quiet weekend with him. We had all of Sunday together, just the two of us. Nothing new and miraculous happened, but we had quiet time, it was good. We read,we watched movies, went outside, and held hands. It was while I was sitting with him watching a movie, that I saw a note taped above his bed. It was a hand written note on a simple paper towel. It wished him luck, and said their prayers were with him. It was signed, with a footnote saying "from a friend you never knew". It was from someone in Chico that went all the way up to see him, someone who was not a part of our everyday lives, someone who he met casually, but someone who thought enough of him after those casual interactions to see him and leave that note. That is the man that I married, the father of my children, the man that I am fighting for right now. And I know he'd do it for me.....

20 years ago last month.....

I can't believe it has already been 20 years since this photo was taken. I can still remember this day, what we were doing, where we where and who we were with. If 20 years can pass so quickly, 3 months should seem like the blink of an eye. Three months is the first trimester of a pregnancy, a single season of the year. Such a small piece in the whole picture of our life. I see this picture and I think of our youth, our innocence, and of the children that were not yet a twinkle in his eye. So much we did not know then, so many things we do not know now. Some things change and others stay the same....

Huff and Puff.........

And then the wind blows, and it sure did. It stormed and rained and gusted around us, but we stayed snug in our home. We have leaves and acorns down everywhere and a few small branches but nothing major. Our power was out for awhile yesterday, but it was back on by the time we came home from town. We were not so lucky with the internet. We have satelitte here (the only high speed available to us) and when the weather is bad, no internet. It is thankfully back now. Our swing in the yard did a back flip about 10 feet away but seems to be otherwise unscathed. Our market umbrella, jumped out of it's stand and was upside down in the pool, also undamaged. He had a good week. He did some new and surprising things. He raised his legs on command. Several times. They were surprised and took him to physical therapy right away to take advantage of his participation. He repeated it for PT and they got him to a mat and turned him to his side and asked him to roll himself back to the center. He did. More than once. The ground here is damp, it smells like fall, and freshly fallen pine needles. We weathered the storm. I hope this is a harbinger of what is to come. Staying the course and weathering the storm.

Patience....Again....

It is time to start thinking about decisions. My emotions have been up and down and all over the place. Some days I get so bogged down with what he is not doing that I cannot think of what he is doing. R&D have been my best reminders of this, as I start to feel the weight of the future pressing down on me. They remind me that it has only been 3 months though it seems like an eternity. They also remind me that it has just been 2 months since he has transferred to where he is, and of the condition that he was in when he got there. It is true. Those are big changes. I was reminded again of this on Friday when I was in the pediatrition's office. He asked how he was doing, as people often do. I started to tell him much the same, as "I" often do, then I remembered that the last time the Dr. had seen him was when he was still here at Enloe. I thought of that day when he came in, as I can still see it clearly in my mind. I thought of that roto-bed that he was strpped to, the vent, the tubes, the pic line, the complete stillness of his frame as he lay there in the bed. I stopped myself, and said "well, actually there have been changes" and I told him about the progresses, and the changes he has made. I watched the surprise wash over the Dr.'s face, and he told me that when he had seen us there in the ICU, he never thought he would have gotten a report like that, that we would have made it this far, and to not give up HOPE. It made me remember back to the day that they told me that he would not survive the week, or after that when they said that it would take 3-4 weeks for him to be able to recover from a lung infection, if he was able to recover at all. Three days later it was all but gone. I still do not know what the future holds or where we are headed. I do know that I have to "keep my eye on the prize" which is what I keep reminding him to do. I have to work towards that goal, and not be sidetracked by the events of the day. This is not going to be a sprint, we signed on for the marathon. Of course this is what D has been reminding me of in our "intense fellowship" sessions, but I was reluctanct to accept. I think that I am still learning my lesson about patience. I tend to think "Okay, I accept it...now let's move on to the next thing." Of course that is not what patience is about. Patience for me right now is not about accepting what "is" but about accepting what I do not know and still moving forward. A lesson I am still learning. The kids had a wonderful visit with him on Saturday. He was good. Holding himself up and looking around, watching them. They ran in circles around him, laughing, playing chase, calling out to him. Of course H spent her time on his lap, curled up against her dad, feeling his arms around her. In the time of this uncertainty, in the chaos of the moment, I see this time, her ability to draw strength from him. I see how the rest of the week passes more easily, how she leaves her visits with him, on a high note, more contented. I realize that as difficult as this all is on the rest of us, I would not trade that moment for her. If I get frustrated with the slow progress, I realize that if things had turned out differently, she would not have these moments. If he had not made the progresses that he has made, these moments would not be possible. For that I am grateful. For that I will be patient. Some people don't get that. Some people would give everything to have it. One more hug, to listen to a heart beating under their cheek, to feel a breath rustling their hair. I watch my daughter absorb it, and I realize, now is not the time to know. I am still learning patience, I am still learning to appreciate this moment, to live in this moment.

Busy Week..

It has been a busy week. A crazy week. Of course Monday is always our long day. I come home and frantically try to catch up on my orders, messages and e-mails. We have school for H, I helped in her classroom, then after school we rush over to swimming lessons. We then head over to Costco or the grocery store to pick up whatever groceries we need for the week and head home for quick dinner before bath and bed. Tuesday both girls have school, H starts 45 minutes before E, so after we check H into her class, E and I usually do prep work for the teacher until it is time for E to start. I check E into her class and am off to run errands. On Wednesday we took H to school and then headed out for an appointment at the SS office. Thursday was the same as Tuesday but it was E's first field trip with her class and we went to the Pumpkin Patch, then back to school to pick up H. Friday is early day with H having to be in class at 9 am, which means of course we have to wake up grumpy E. I have been fortunate in the last weeks to have A pick up the girls for me after school on Tues and Thurs so I could run home and get some things done, however she was out of town this week so we were on our own. I have also been fortunate that H has been able to ride to school on Friday with a friend, and I have been able to let E sleep in and have a quiet morning. None of those things worked out this week so it was just me and the girls and our busy schedule. You add in 3 trips to the post office to ship orders, the packing and processing of the orders, my evening yard clean up (trying to top off the dumpster before it got picked up today, packing lunches, making breakfast and dinner, the laundry, the shopping, the paperwork, getting documentation together for SS, doctors and dentist appointments, talking to lawyers,making Halloween costumes and all of the other things that keep us moving. It has been a busy week. MA is down for the weekend, and came to pick up the girls for me, to give me this evening to get caught up, before the next week starts and I am behind again. It is so funny that I thought my life was busy before. I thought I didn't have much time for myself or enough hours in the day to get everything done that I had to do. Of course I would be thrilled with those days now.

Everything for moment....

We are still in our holding pattern. He is about the same. He still does things randomly but nothing really consistently. I had two people tell me that they saw him laugh. They said he was by the nurses station when they were telling funny stories and that he laughed. They were very excited, and I believe that they believe it. He is still eating, and yogurt seems to be his favorite. He is eating a half to full container per sitting. There are still other reports of random words, Hi, Mom, Yeah, No, Mmm Hmm. It is so hard to watch him and wonder what is going on in there. We all do range of motion exercises with him, and talk to him and try to show him things to peak his interest. Since he has not been able to use his hands, they get very dry. I have been putting lotion on them, I take his hand in mine and massage the lotion into his hand and arm from fingertip to elbow. His hands have never been large, but they have always been broad and rough. Over the last three months, I have felt them get smoother and smoother, it is amazing how fast those calluses will go away without use. I remember the strength that I have always felt in those hands. The gentle way they held our children. The rough feel of his palm against mine. I miss their strength. I am not the only one. It has gotten easier for the girls to see him. They know what to expect, and I have mixed feelings about that. One one hand I am amazed and proud of their resilience. On the other hand I am profoundly saddened that they have to be. In the beginning I watched H in her almost desperate attempts to get him to look at her. Now it makes me ache for her, to watch her resignation. She still wants to see him, wants to crawl in his lap and just rest her head against his chest. She likes me to hold his arm around her little body while she curls up against him, squeezes her eyes shut and presses her cheek against his chest. I can feel her trying to absorb the moment. There is nothing in this world I would not give to have him be able to hug her back. In that moment, for that moment, I would give anything, everything.

We got home last night to the crisp clean smell of fall. It was cool, and we could feel the acorns crunching under our feet as we unloaded the car. The leaves are turning, and fluttering from the trees, but they are not on my roof or in my gutters. They are not on the front porch or the back deck. They are filling that dumpster in the front yard. 40 yards full of leaves, all gathered and loaded by a wonderful group of people. I don't even know exactly who they were. I know a few, but the rest I do not. They repaired the roof on my pumphouse, cleared a path for me to get to it easily. They pruned the trees, blew the leaves off of my roof and gutters, and cleared over 40 yards of leaves. But the best thing in the eyes of my two little girls, were the two fat, round pumpkins left on the front porch. They were so excited to see them, they ran up and patted them, moved them around, and decided which one belonged to which girl. We came in the house, and they wanted to decorate for Halloween. They layered leaves on the buffet, and made trailing paths of candy corn. They drew pictures of pumpkins and leaves and hung them on the fridge. H said "Mommy, it was so nice of Daddy's friends to bring us pumpkins!" Yes it was. Thank you. You made one big girl and two little girls smile today, and that is no small thing.

The Gift...

I was home alone this afternoon when it was delivered. It is not your usual sort of gift. Perhaps some people might not call it a gift, but I do. Then again, I have always been more the "paint my house" kind of girl, rather than the candy and flowers kind of girl. It is sitting in the yard in front of my house tonight, huge, bigger than my truck. Actually it is only part of the gift. The rest is coming tomorrow when I am not home. What is it? Bigger than a bread box.......Smaller than my house, that is alot of ground to cover........it is .......a dumpster.....a 40yd dumpster to be precise. I imagine that not everyone would be this excited to have a huge garbage can sitting in their front yard, but I am. The other part of the gift arrives tomorrow. While I am visiting with him, and talking about our week, the girls will be visiting the pumpkin patch with their aunties, and here at the house something wonderful will be happening. A group of amazing people have volunteered to spend their day off, helping me get ready for winter. They are coming to clear the brush to the pump house, and dig me out of the huge piles of leaves I feel buried in. It is a daunting task for one person to look out at and even know where to start. A clean slate. A fresh start. It will be nice to come home and not have the weight of all that I have to do looming at me the second I pull in the driveway. I so appreciate this. The gift of all of these people's time, efforts and energy. Amazing. I cannot wait to tell him about it tomorrow, I know he will be proud, and humbled. This one ranks up there as one of the best gifts I have ever received. I can only think of one thing that I would like more, hopefully he is working on that one......

Navigating a sea of uncertainty....

I have been thinking alot about the uncertainty of life, and am trying to accept the things that I cannot know or change right now. It does not help that I feel like I have a giant glow in the dark, karmic bulls eye on my head. Delegate, delegate, delegate, everyone tells you. The problem with that theory, is that it is just that to everyone else. Theory. It IS my life, the lives of my children and the husband who is relying on me to make the right decisions for him. I got an attorney to handle those things for me, hoping that would be a part of all of this that I would not have to worry about each day, but still I have to monitor and police those activities or things start to slide. I cannot afford to let those things slide, we are on borrowed time as it is, one thing dependant upon another. I have entrusted other professionals to give me advice and guide me down the right path, and one thing became abundantly clear. I am alone in this. I have to be my constant advocate. I have to ask the right questions, even when I do not know what they are. When I do ask the questions, they do not know the answers, say they will get back to me and then do not. People want to help, but without being in this position, they have no idea of the enormity of this weight. Oh I am sure they go home at night and feel badly for us, maybe even pray or hope things turn around, but then they go about their day, their lives, and their jobs. We do not have that luxury. Our entire lives hang in the balance, and I am at the mercy of others. It is a very uncomfortable place to be. There is no manual for this situation. No one handed me a syllabus. I fear more what I do not know, rather than what I do know.

It sounds like life to me....

He had a pretty good week this week. A very full week. He sat up and held his head up for almost 30 minutes one day, and had his birthday on another. He got up in the standing frame, taking deep breaths and holding up his head. He spent alot of time looking around, and had many visitors this week. He is up to eating a whole yogurt in a sitting, and still seems to be making sounds in response to conversation. All in all, all things considered a pretty good week. MA and MB continue to alternate weekends here, so they can spend time with him and with the girls. MA was here this weekend, and continues to put him through his paces with stretching. Even though it was a good week, it is still hard to sit here in my chair and not be worried. Not be terrified. I want to hope and be hopeful, but still have to keep balance, for the girls and for myself. I have to keep things clear in my mind. I cannot allow myself to be lulled. I have spent some time recently talking to D about this. She calls herself my Devil's Advocate, and we have lively conversations that make me think. Help me to focus. I was feeling the burden of uncertainty earlier in the week. She was trying to help me to think of good things that were happening, but I was really focused on not being able to see what was out there for him, for us. I was telling her that it was the unknown that was killing me. If I knew it was going to take a long time but that we would get there, it would be much easier to settle in for the ride. If I knew that he would be there for H's graduation or to walk E down the aisle, I could so much easier accept the journey. It is the not knowing that wakes me up in the night. She looked at me and told me that the future is uncertain for all of us. That she no more knows if R is going to be there at M's graduation than I do. The difference is that I am asking myself those questions daily. Just because I am asking those questions, doesn't mean that I have any more control over it than they do. It really did make me think. I have spent so much energy on the anxiety of the unknown, but the truth is that not one of us knows what the future holds for us. We just have to get up, and keep showing up. I still have people commenting on my strength. And others still trying to give me permission to "fall apart". In any group of friends, who have been together as long we have, you have phrases, or mantras that mean something to you. One of ours is "there is no excuse for poor behavior". I still believe that. I believe that in the darkest and most challenging of times, that you show your character. I think that when you are raising children, how you deal with these times, forms their character. I believe that is black and white, not gray. It was interesting, after having this discussion with D, and others with K & A over the last week or so, I happen to get into the truck and a song came on the radio that pretty much summed that up for me.

The chorus from "It sounds like life to me" by Darryl Worley.

Sounds like life to me it ain’t no fantasy
It’s just a common case of everyday reality
Man I know it’s tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
It sounds like life to me

Sounds like life to me plain old destiny
Yeah the only thing for certain is uncertainty
You gotta hold on tight just enjoy the ride
Get used to all this unpredictability
Sounds like life.......

39 forever.....

39 forever, isn't that how the saying goes? Yesterday was his 39th birthday. The girls didn't know. We were home with our usual routine, but my mind was with him all day. I decided not to tell the girls, as I felt it would only make them sad. We celebrated his birthday with them at the BBQ after the triathlon. That was a good day, full of celebration, a party, cake, and laughter. They knew that it was a birthday and get well party for daddy. I wanted them to think of that day. I thought of the last 20 birthdays we have spent together beginning with his 19th birthday, just a couple weeks after we first met. I can still remember what I gave him, red licorice, mad magazine, liquid starch (for his ROTC uniforms) and a card. The first two would probably still be in his birthday package today, he gave up on starch and ironing years ago. His mother took a cake in for the nurses, and I understand they all sang "Happy Birthday" to him. D & R were there, and his aunt, and I understand a few other visitors stopped by as well. D told me that he said "Mom" to his mother, and made some other sounds, but was otherwise quiet. His birthday also marks the third month. Three months since our lives were irrevocably altered. Three months since I have heard that deep belly laugh, 3 months since I have seen the face splitting grin. Three months since I have lain down in my bed at night and felt a warm arm curl around me, and a whiskery cheek brush the back of my neck. Three months since I have gotten a 5 o'clock phone call to tell me he is on his way home from work (or that he is working late). Three months since I have been taking out the garbage, and have had to yell at him to turn off the alarm that he is sleeping through. Three months that I have been both mom and dad to the girls. He is 39 and it has only been three months but it seems like forever...

Quiet....

It has been another whirlwind weekend. We stayed with R & D again and children had the time of their lives. They had the most wonderful carefree weekend. They played outside , swam in the pool, went to the movies, and just good kid fun. My parents also came to see him this weekend. We had him and the kids and R&D all out in the park. He had some candy in his hands when the kids came, and that is the perfect ice breaker. They take it from him, and thank him, and dance around excited. They show it to him and run and play while calling out for us to watch him. E is getting more comfortable now, and will run and hug his arm. It is still H that I worry about. She is so smart, so contemplative. I see her smile and laugh and run with the other kids, but I also see the longing in her eyes, and the sadness that slumps her shoulders as she leans against him. She likes to sit on his lap and lay her head against his chest, pulling his arm around her little body. She closes her eyes and presses her cheek against the warmth of him. I am so proud of her, yet it rips my guts out to watch her, learning a strength and fortitude that no one her age should have to. This child sits there on the the lap of the man who loves her more than anyone else in this world. The man who has cherished her from the second he saw her, and I do not know if she will ever feel the strength of his arms tighten around her again. I do not know if he is hearing her sweet words, or fighting his way back to us. But in that quiet moment when her eyes are closed, I know that her heart is speaking to him. I just hope he is listening.

Another week come and gone....

Another week has come and gone. It has been another whirlwind of activity for all of us. The girls and I have finally had a complete week of routine. I think we are finding our groove. We have had a lot of help along the way. A has volunteered to pick up the girls for me on Tues. and Thurs. so that I can have enough time to make it home and get a few things done while I have the house to myself. Two other friends have offered to drive H to school on Friday morning (our early day), and get her to class for me, so that I can spend the morning at home with E. All of these things ease the stress of the week. A few extra minutes to think a thought all the way through, without being interrupted. To make a phone call, and not have to shush the background noise every five minutes. It is what enables me to carry on the rest of the time.

I have still been wrangling insurance, attorneys, doctors, paperwork and bureaucracy, but one other thing has eased my stress this week. The DSA brought me the first check from the benefit this week. I want to thank everyone again for your support. I cannot tell you enough what it means to us. With the big car repair, house insurance, property taxes, all in the horizon looming, it is so nice to know that we have a cushion, and do not have to stress about these things. We so appreciate every one's concern and continued support. Thank you.

He has had a busy week as well. He continues with his daily therapy and some days are better than others. He has had some odd temperature spikes over the last week and they have done every test imaginable trying to rule things out. Yesterday they even took him to the big hospital to do a CT scan and sonogram to make sure he had no blood clots or ulcers that were causing the random fever. It seems they can find nothing wrong. They seem to think is is the hamster wheel in his head spinning really fast. Lets hope so. I think it is about time those things started running. I heard that he said another "Hi" this week and has been enjoying his yogurt and pudding. The girls are looking forward to seeing him. They have been busy all week making pictures and cards for him. It hasn't gotten easier, but we are finding a way to make it more manageable. Another week, come and gone..

When it rains it pours....

It rained yesterday, actually it poured. Literally. I was glad to have had S here on Sunday and she helped me move some things into the barn. Just in time it seems. It smells like fall here today. Moist and wet leaves and damp earth. It is a distinct smell, something that can instantly take you back to your childhood. Our leaves are falling by the millions, they are everywhere. I have had some wonderful help of yard clean up offered to me, but I have asked them to wait a little longer until all these leaves are done falling. I have been raking piles and piles and it seems every time I turn around to admire my handiwork, there is a fresh carpet of them behind me in my wake. Rather frustrating but a metaphor for my life. More patience. More waiting. Try not to put the cart before the horse. Everything in due time. First things first. The leaves must fall before they can be raked.

The girls dressed out in full rain gear to go to school yesterday, and of course when we got to town, there was no rain. By the time school was over, jackets were stuffed in the backpack, and tights were abandoned in favor of barefeet. We were riding around in our borrowed rig (from his parents) as we blew a brake line Sunday morning. Luckily the girls were not with me, and MB and his parents came to rescue me. The big beast was towed away, and we are tooling around in Nana's rig. More rain. More patience.

I hear that he ate more yogurt yesterday. That he liked it and followed some commands. I heard that he participated more in PT, and was able to balance himself for a longer period of time while sitting. I also just word that he might be getting another Cranial Sacral treatment this week. We are also expecting some insurance/wc things to shake out over the next week or so. More rain. Rain is renewing, invigorating, the sign of change, and a new season. I look forward to dancing in the rain.

Welcome Rest..

This weekend I was welcomed. I was taken in, cared for, listened to, encouraged,and given a soft quiet place to lay my head. It was wonderful. S came up to stay with the girls at our house for the weekend. This was the girls first weekend at home since this began. It was good for them to have time in their own space. It was good for them to have time to play and enjoy their home. It was good for me to be able to leave and know they were happy and well cared for. It was good for all of us to have some time apart. I headed north for my usual visits with him, but this weekend I stayed with R & D. They have offered their home since the beginning, and I took them up on it. I needed it. It was quiet, and I slept in.They are amazing people, thoughtful and caring, both of them. R is his K. He has known him almost twice as long as I. And D, a person who cares for others, whole heartedly, thinks of all the little details, the things that apart seem small, but when put together make huge beautiful mosaic. When I came back to the house at night, we talked about the day, his day, the future, what is coming up, my worries, my fears, how long he has come, and how much longer there still is to go. It was good to go to bed with a mind emptied, a heart unburdened, and just sleep. This weekend I was welcomed, and it was wonderful. Thank you.

He continues to look fantastic. Like he could jump out of bed at any moment. Everyone comments on it. His color, his skin, even his muscle tone. He finally seems to be getting along with his milkshake and looks more relaxed. He has also had more reports of words. I try to keep my heart from jumping into my throat every time I hear about it. Two weeks ago D &T went to see him and told me that he had very clearly responded to them. They know how objective I try to remain, and assured me it was clear to them. I remain ever hopeful, but try to keep perspective. This last week I got several more reports. D & P both spoke to me and told me they were certain of his communication. When I got to the hospital on Friday, 3 nurses stopped to tell me that they had personally heard it, and that it was very clear to them. It is hard to look at him, and hear these reports, and not have your heart do a little flip flop. Has he sat up and spoken to me? No, he has not. He had times over the last two days that his eyes were particularly clear and focused. When I chatter to him he makes sounds in response. Soft murmuring sounds. Mm mm. MmmmHmm. Like quiet conversation. I took him outside and we spent almost 3 hours today in the park. It was beautiful and cool and we sat outside and finished our latest book. He was is his chair with his head tilted up to the warmth of the sun, I sat on the bench beside him with my head on his shoulder, and I could feel the rise and fall of his chest as I read. I could feel his cheek tilt down and his breath ruffle my hair as I read. It could have been any other day in our life, quietly reading, enjoying a cool fall day. It was a good day. It was a good weekend, a restful weekend.

We hit the ground running...

We hit the ground running this week, and it seems we have been running all week. We got home Monday evening to find our friends S & S had come up from Sac to do some projects at my house while we were away at the triathlon. It was a great surprise, and they worked so hard. We had school all week, and still have not had a "regular" week yet with Monday having been a holiday this week. I cannot believe that Friday is already here. It has been exhausting trying to find our rhythm. It takes us 40 minutes from our door to drive down the hill, find parking and make it to our kindergarten class room. So this makes it unrealistic to be able to come home while she is in school and then back again. Her school day is only 3.5 hours long, so I would spend over half of it in the car. E has school on Tues. and Thurs. and it is only 3 hours long and starts 45 minutes after H starts, so again not really enough time to leave, come back, find another parking space and then get her to class. We have been spending that time in the kindergarten classroom doing prep work for the teacher. E is fascinated by everything they are doing. I usually stand at the back counter while class is going on, E at my feet with her Dora "pack-pack" securely strapped on, peeking through the book shelf at the class. Her eyes follow their every move and she hardly makes a sound. She is engrossed in what they are doing. I thought she would be trying to get into everything, but that is not the case. The teacher has her entire attention. H is my happy go lucky people person (her dad) and E is a much tougher nut to crack (me) but she also already loves the kindergarten teacher, and vies with her sister to giver her hugs. I think she would move right in if we let her. S is coming back tomorrow afternoon and going to stay here for the weekend with the girls. It will be the first weekend they have been at home in quite a while. It will be good for them to have a quiet weekend. It will be good for all of us to have a quiet weekend. I am looking forward to seeing him. I just saw him Monday but it seems like such a long time ago. I have so much to tell him, I hope he has something to tell me too....

The Birthday Party....

Immediately following the triathlon, H & S ran back over to the house to get the BBQ going while we attended the awards ceremony. When it was over we all went back to the house for a birthday bbq celebration. Everyone was tired, hungry and pumped on adrenaline. There was tri-tip, chicken, and ribs (his favorite), and a plethora of other delicious food laid out along with tart lemonade. Everyone was happy to have a plate and a seat and enjoy some good company. K & C had made some wonderful photo collages for everyone to enjoy, one from back in the young days, and one from our Easter coast trip in April. They also made a great birthday card for everyone to sign with his picture on the front. After every one's belly was full K got up and did a wonderful job talking about him, and passing out "Eric Awards" for everything from friendship, to just making him proud. They spent so much time and effort on this day, he would be so touched, choked up even, we all were. There was a time when people shared "Eric Stories" D shared the garbage can story, R & B told of some of their childhood adventures, his dad told of the time he caught their truck on fire, C told hunting stories, and it was a great time to laugh and reflect on all that he has brought to us. Birthday gifts were handed out, not birthday gifts for him, but inspired by him. They were gaily wrapped packages full of all kinds of things that made us laugh. Things that he loves, from duct tape, tools, mad magazine, compasses to spam, it made us laugh. It was a great time for the girls to see all the adults in their life celebrate their dad. These are the moments in our life that give us strength. That empower us to move forward. There is no denying that he is loved, that many are pulling for him. That is a wonderful embrace for my children to be held in. K asked H what her Daddy's birthday cake should say. She thought about it for about a second and then told her. When they opened the cake box that afternoon, it was there across the cake for all to see (in purple of course) a child's simple wish for her father "Daddy feel better and I love you in my heart". That pretty much says it all. Some of our new friends, who competed in the race with us, but have never met him, told me that they were amazed at the day, and what a wonderful person he must be to have inspired so many to this. He is. K & C gave me the award for "making him proud" , but on this day, for this day, I will gracefully bow and hand it over to K & C, they really deserve it. They made him proud, they made me proud, they made our children proud.

Still Standing...

We are all still standing. We all made it to the finish line. It was incredible. I am not even sure where to begin. The first thing I have to say is how incredibly blessed we are to have such amazing friends. Truly amazing. I cannot say enough about the unbelievable job they pulled off. Almost everyone got there by Friday night. H&C opened up their front yard to "tent city", others came and stayed in their house with us, in motor homes, campgrounds, rented houses, and some drove all the way up just for the day. We all met up at the spaghetti dinner the night before. We ate, and visited and adjourned to the house for more visiting before bed. We got up at 6am and K & C had an assembly line bagel toasting operation going on. Everyone grabbed breakfast on the go and we were dressed and on the road at 7am. We got to Lake Siskiou and set up "Camp Eric". After fielding a few people who seemed so impressed by our presentation that they mistook us for the registration table, we shirted up and got ready for the show. Swimming is first, and all of our swimmers did us proud. MA was the first from our team out of the water, and she was followed by our impressive numbers. The 10 mile bike ride was next, and our own JB was the youngest triathlon participant and 9 years old he rode the 10 miles. I had already left by this time with A & M for our walk, pushing the girls in the jog stroller. It was brisk but it felt good. It felt even better every time we saw a gray shirt passing by, and there were alot of them. HB did an impressive 1hr 30 min solo. We were just so proud to see everyone out there. The kids were all amazing, they just put their whole hearts out there and did us all proud. After the race, they held awards. The rotary was very supportive of us and our endeavor. They presented everyone on our team with a medal, and gave us a beautiful wood plaque dedicated to him and all of us. It was a wonderful experience. Another wonderful example of celebration for our daughters to witness. More people their father has touched. Some who have never even met him, but still joined with us to celebrate. We competed and celebrated with our old friends, and made some wonderful new ones (T,S & B, the H family). It was incredible and I was touched by not only the commitment of the people that we brought with us, but also by the generosity of those that came out of their way to join us, to compete with us and cheer us on. We all made it to the finish line, on our own accord. No one had to scrape me up off the side of the road, and (please don't tell K, or she'll make me do it again) it was invigorating, inspiring and cleansing. More on the rest of the day tomorrow, but it is the end of the day for me, and time to rest. We did him proud. This I know.

The day before and all is well....

It is the day before the big race. 24 hours from now I will either be moving along pushing my stroller or laying on the side of the road waiting for some kind soul to scrape me up and take me back to Camp Eric, let's hope it is the former. The girls left yesterday afternoon for Shasta. They were going to spend some quiet, fun time with their grandparents and cousin before the rest of us desend. Of course K & C have also gone ahead hauling a brood and a mountain of prep for the big day. They are amazing. They stopped off to see us at the hospital on their way up. MA and I spent the afternoon and evening with him, and he was good. We also were fortunate to have some new visitors yesterday. My aunt brought a Cranio Secral Massage Therapist down from Yreka to give him some treatments. It was an interesting and fascinating process. She did a 2 hour treatment on him, while MA,R,D and I waiting in the wings. We were close and could see some of the process but wanted to giver her the time and space to work. We could hear her quiet murmerings to him, and his murmerings back. He was quiet, he seemed restful and accepting of what was being offered. It was very interesting to us how calm he remained through the entire process, and then when it was over, he had an immeidate emotional response. When it was over, not during. We stayed with him until he fell asleep. He looked relaxed, and so much himself. She is coming back again today to do another treatment for him, and I look forward to seeing what his reaction is today. After spending the morning and afternoon with him today, we will make our pilgrimage north to join the rest of Camp Eric for the pre-race spaghetti dinner. Tomorrow is a big day. I am excited to see everyone embracing this event and joining us as we do something he loves to do and celebrating him. We are so honored to have so many people joining us in body and in spirit. Some of our wonderful friends are coming all the way from Idaho to join us. Yes just for this. J is going to do the whole thing himself and T (who I have known since Junior High) is going to be a runner on a relay team. It is a wonderful example for the girls to see how much they are loved and what an impact their father has made on others. It is quite simply what will get us through...

And now with much fanfare....

The program for the triathlon. Thank you to K & C for all of the hard work into the planning and execution of this event. Thank you to everyone who is participating, and those coming to celebrate with us and lend moral support! We appreciate you all. Those that still want to join us are also welcome! The girls know that we will be having a "fun race" and that after we are going to have another "get well" party for daddy and to help celebrate his birthday. Please help us promote these positive reinforcements to the girls. It makes them feel safe, secure and part of a big family. Thank you!

Another day come and gone.....

Another day has come and gone. I am hoping for routine, but it seems to elude me. Between the start of school, back to school night, and teacher work days, we have not had a routine week yet. I am craving it. I need it. I am ready to establish a routine, a schedule, some sameness. Ordinary. Monontany. The girls are adapting well. They both love school which is a blessing. I only wish it tired them out, but that would be a challenge since they have their father's energy and exuberance. H loves her teacher (she was over the moon when she said her favorite color was also purple) and is so excited about learning and brought her very first homework home this week. She wanted to sit down at the table and do it all right away. E is also loving school and is especially excited that the preschool is now her school and not H's. She loves her new Dora backpack and will happily throw me a goodbye and race into the classroom as soon as the door opens. We did get swimming lessons down to one day a week and that is helping with the driving. It is still alot of driving. I have started to listen to books on tape in the car again, there is so much driving. I miss him every day, and it still seems like a dream at times, like this is not really happening. But of course it is. I called to find out how he was doing today. Still holding his own, still sleeping alot. He tried something new today. Yogurt. He liked it. I will spend Friday and Saturday afternoons with him before I head up to the triathlon. I am looking forward to it. We have to finish our book.

Triathlon Update...

After hearing the stories of the first triathlon, SK came up with this fantastic art work for the t-shirts! K & C have been working on a wonderful program that I will publish soon. We have some wonderful teams, including our friends, family and our law enforcement family as well. We have a whole camp full of people who are coming out just to celebrate with us. It will be a good day. A day to be proud of. A day he will be proud of. A wonderful example for the girls. Thank you to everyone who is making it possible, especially to K & C for spearheading the effort and working tirelessly to pull it all off. Thank you.

Balancing Act...

I am standing on the precipice of my life. My arms are outstretched wide for balance, my toes are curled over the edge, trying to hang on. I can feel the winds of my past circling behind me and the abyss of the future in the darkness below. I do not know if I can catch myself before falling. I only know that I am trying. I am trying to keep all of my balls in the air. I am trying not to slide over the edge. As I stand there, I can feel the storm pushing against me. I can see things edge past me and fall over the edge. Our dreams, our plans, our future, our security, our children's innocense. I am powerless to stop them, as one by one they slip away. I try to think only of today, or as far ahead as the end of the week, but no further. When I think too far in advance, I can feel the panic rising. I feel the pain, the sorrow, the grief and the reality start to overtake me. I push them back and try to stay focused, to stay balanced.I am not planning vacations or holidays, cannot fathom these things. So many people love him, miss him, and share in our grief. They only understand so much. Even those closest to us cannot grasp the depth. They try, they feel the loss, the sorrow, but there are places that I have been that they cannot travel. He is not a part of our life, he is the center of our life. He is what balances us, makes us whole. I sleep in the bed with the indent of his head still on the pillow next to me. His clothes hang next to mine in the closet. His pictures and awards hang in the hall. His hockey bag lies next to the back door. His garage is filled with his tools and carefully labeled boxes. His boats and kayaks and tractor all in the yard, gently being covered with leaves. His vitamins are lined up on top of the fridge. He is my partner, my husband, my spouse and we have been together for 20 years this month. Everything that he loves resides in this house. I see it all everyday, live with it everyday. I also have to take care of the banking, the finances, the children, the house, the cars, the yard, the dishes, the laundry, the cooking the cleaning, the transporting of children, the stories, the homework, the night time rituals, unloading the car, preparing for the next day, school activities, after school activities, all on my own. The children are 3 & 5 young enough to still be needy, and not old enough to understand why my time and attention cannot stretch everywhere at once. They do not understand the driving is exhausting. I spend all week with them, and all weekend with him. We come home in time for a bath before bed and head into our next week first thing in the morning. I field calls from the hosptial, the insurance, and the attorney. It is the reality. It can be no different. I understand that. There is a price to paid however. It means that my feelings and emotions are on the surface of my skin. It becomes almost physically painful to feel the emotions of other push against it. And when those emotions are their own pain and fears it becomes almost unbearable in my skin. I cannot bear the responsibility for those feelings. I am responsible for my children, to see them through this as unscathed as they can be. I already feel my guts twist when I see another child call out "daddy" and run to her father, and I see H, her head snap around at the sound, her eyes quietly watchful. I feel her loss, their loss, his loss. I carry it around with my own. It is grueling, it is exhausting, and I stand at the edge trying to balance.