free hit counter

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Falling into Fall...

The last weeks have been a blur of life and legalities as some of the battle of the last year and a half are finding resolution. Of course, these things would all conspire to occupy the same time period. When I have felt the enormous weight of it all, I keep telling myself to plow through, to keep treading water. I am sure that a month from now, when some of these issues are at long last off of my plate, I will be glad they are over instead of lamenting their timing. I admit it is bittersweet, these resolutions. To know that some battles are over, that we have won them, should feel like a relief. On the other hand, those fights have claimed the empty hours of my thoughts, have kept me focused and on task. They have forced me into a strict routine, to keep to a deliberate plan. To be freed of these weights should bring a sense of peace. I am sure it will with time. My first feelings were of emptiness, of my world dropping off again. When you are juggling this many balls it should be a relief to have one removed, but I felt the loss. I felt his loss. I suppose it all really goes back to the way I deal with things and process life. When our world was irrevocably altered, I made a plan. I looked ahead to the possibilities, and made a plan. I thought of my goals, and what I would need to do to get there. I thought long term, and as new balls were bounced into my lap, I thought about where every one of them should be in the line up, and how they would help or hinder my process to the goal. No shift is unplanned. So when someone unexpectedly plucks one out of the air, and casually says "you don't need this anymore!", there is relief as the weight is gone, as you start to move the other balls more freely, have more time and space for them. It is also anti-climactic. When you have to control your anger, pain and rage, to channel them into something useful, something to help you rather than hinder you, it gives you a certain clarity of vision. You compress them, all into a single minded goal. It buoys you, gives you strength. You don't really think about the why, or the how, you just do. You take everything that is handed to you and use it. In the process the goal, is what you are working towards but it becomes almost mythical. It is not that you forget what you are fighting for, but that the process of the fight becomes all consuming. When it is finally over, it feels sudden, and you stumble. There are still more battles to be waged. More fights to be fought. He is still fighting the biggest battle of all, and we still know very little about what might be going on in his head. I am sure that this time next month, I will be relieved. For now, I am a bit at a loss. Still trying to find my new rhythm with one less ball to worry about. It is at these times when it all hits so hard again, like ripping the band-aid off of a wound. In the end, it is better to rip it off quickly, but at the moment you pull it off, it hurts. It is excruciating.

"My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been runnin' round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm following you girl
'Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find

And ever as I wander I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I every thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I've started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars forever

No I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I've started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Or come crashing through your door
Baby I can't fight this feeling anymore "
REO Speedwagon
 
satellite