Long time no talk..

I think this has been my longest time between posts. What has been happening? Alot. I had my first time alone since this whole thing began, when I went down to LA for my industry trade show last weekend. The week before I was frantically running around trying to make sure that I had all of my ducks in a row and was not forgetting anything. MB and I had a perfect coordination with my driving to the airport with girls and suitcases in tow. I pulled up in front of the terminal, unloaded my bags, and she loaded hers in, and hopped into the drivers seat. That was the beginning of 3 days of mental disconnect for me. I flew down to A&M and stayed with them the first night, then A and drove to LA for the show. We spent 2 days walking, walking, walking. It was good for both of us I think and nice to have time to be with just my sister as we have not had that time alone in a long time. She helped me organize and fill out paperwork for the vendors, and scout the booths as we walked by. We stayed the night in LA with M and the baby joining us at night and for breakfast the next day. We finished our last day at the show and met back at their house. It was good to rest, good to be out of my life for a little while, nice to spend time with the baby without little people trying to compete with me for the smiles. MB and I had an equally well choreographed trade off on the way home. This time it was later so N pitched in and stayed with the girls at home so they could be in their beds at normal bedtime. MB got to dive into the experience for those 3 days. She had a birthday party, school for both of them, packing lunches, weather, helping at school and swimming lessons. She did great. After I unpacked and settled in i snuck up to see him while the girls were in school. K picked them up for me so I could make the run. He looks good of course. He always looks good. He seems to look at me and I continue to wonder what is going on in that brain of his. His roommate told me that he was trying to talk in his sleep. He said it happened several nights in a row. Said it sounded like Stellla or Still Here. I would like to think it was the latter of course. I hope it is the latter. I hope he is still there. I made it back home to finish out the school week, before preparing to come back up. R & R came back up on Friday to finish the hookup of that fancy generator. All of the work R has been organizing and getting done, then we were at the mercy of the propane company and when they could come and change their fittings. FINALLY!! They did and I think R was relieved to see it all done. Now that means 8 seconds of no power and that baby fires up. I don't have to worry about little girls in the dark or not having heat. It is good. I took the girls to meet up with K & C and they took them up to Shasta to spend the night. MA met up with them and they all spent the day skiing on the mountain. I spent the day with him, telling him what they were doing and giving him the updates. Then we picked out books to order for the girls scholastic book order and wrote out our bills. Later we sat by the window and read. We started a new book and are already about 1/3 done. He was very relaxed all day and comfortable. MA brought the girls back to R&D's and we all spent the night here. We are getting ready to go back to see him this morning, then have to head home early so the girls can bathe and be in bed early. 100 days of school celebration tomorrow. 100 days of school and he has missed every one of them. I still look at him and hear his voice in my head. I see his smile, and the crinkling of his eyes when his face splits in half to grin that big gappy toothed grin. I can't believe it has been so long since I have actually heard it. So long since I have heard him talk, and talk and talk. Long time no talk..

Face Value...

The days pass by, they flow into weeks, and now even months. It is a very tangled web. He is gone, yet still here. He is absent from our home, yet one our minds every minute of every day. We spend our weeks trying to function without him, yet our weekends trying to find a way to function with him. It is very confusing. It is complicated. Life continues to move forward, yet has frozen. We still have hope, yet have to deal with reality. A friend sent me a card with a quote from Eckart Toele "There are two things you have no control over, what happened in the past and what happens in the future." You can only live in the present. I know it is true, but it is still a hard pill to swallow. We spent the weekend with him. I saw him Saturday, Sunday and Monday. The girls got to come to see him on Monday before we headed home. As usual, he had a little surprise in his hands for them to find. They love to see what he has found for them, and of course the great thing about kids is that they take it at face value. It is an amazing gift to be able to accept simply what is in front of you. Children have it, we lose it as we grow up. We ask so many questions, challenge what we see, try to predict what is coming next. Of course as we grow and take on new responsibilities, we have to lose some of it. We discover what it means to be let down, disillusioned, unprepared, and taken by surprise. We try to prepare ourselves, and our loved ones. To protect ourselves from unexpected events. It is amazing how tenuous that illusion is. What an elaborate game of smoke and mirrors we erect for ourselves, and spend so much time in our lives trying to maintain. Then you see a moment. A child taking a simple gift from her father's unmoving hands. She never asks where he got it or how he got it. She just smiles in delight and thanks him. Curls against him and looks at him with loving eyes. Taking it all at face value. It is humbling.

Sick, Sick and Tired, and Sick.....

The girls have been sick this week. The school called on Wed. that H was in the office not feeling well. That morning she had been quiet, and I asked her if she was feeling alright. No fever and she said fine, so I took her word for it and dropped her at school. I was attributing the quiet to her recent experimenting with sullenness. But alas no, by 2pm she had spiked a low fever and was in the office. Luckily this time I was running errands in town, and was able to run over and get her quickly. We came home and she spent the next two days parked on the couch. Medium fever, not much interested in eating, but taking plenty of fluids. Even when she is sick, that kid is a trooper. E came up with a lower and milder version of sisters symptoms that evening, so we settled in to wait it out. They were great. Lots of movies, snuggling, stories and Popsicles. The first night I ended up with H in my bed after she woke up with a nightmare about skeletons. The second night, E came toddling in at 3 am, upset about something, but between her Elmer Fudd annunciation and my foggy 3am brain, I never could quite grasp what the problem was. She went right back off to sleep, so it wasn't too traumatic. By the third night, blissfully they stayed in their own beds for the whole night. I have been fighting my annual allergies, but have remained holding the upper hand. MAC came up last night, and spent the night, swooping the girls off this morning, giving me a little bit of time to myself to sweep up the remains of the week. I am glad they are feeling better, and they are. You could tell of course by squabbling that has started again. This year has been the most any of us have ever been sick. Sick, sick, sick and tired.

Thank you, again....

So you know that R planned another day up here to finish up some projects. He brought some of his usual crew, R & D and BB met them here. I want to thank TD, DA, CN and JR from the SO for coming up to help them. R had asked for a couple extra hands to help with the propane piping for the generator, and I really appreciate that they came up on such short notice and got it all done in record time. R said it worked out perfectly, then they stayed and helped get some of my heavy items into the trash, I REALLY appreciated that! It turned out that their presence was even more precipitous than was expected. I heard that T went down to the pump house, where they had done some previous work, and found that a valve had broken and water was leaking. They were able to quickly fix it with some parts they found in the shop. R & D spent some more time working in the shop on the electrical, I think they are intimately aware of why he always called this place "PJ's curse" (PJ being the former owner who quite fancied himself a jack of all trades, but sadly was master of none, especially anything related to construction, electrical or plumbing) When they went back under the house to hook in the generator electrical, and found another leak, this time in a hot water pipe under the house. This was a little more complicated and required a couple of trips to town and some welding. It was very lucky that they were here this weekend and that they found the leaks or it would have been a very expensive power bill next month. Unbelievable fortunate that they were here. Thank you. It was a very long day for them, and I so appreciate it. I have long had my list of projects that I have been slowly working through. I thought that I was managing them, prioritizing them, and marking them off the list. I have to say though, that R came and knocked some of them right off the list and others that I have not even thought of. He is really good at this, both the organization and the implementation. I thought at first that I should be trying to help and plan. I soon realized that he was really only humoring me and my help was not needed. I relinquished my facade of control and we are all the better for it. I appreciate not having to worry about this. It has made our staying here in the house so much easier. It has made it possible. I really appreciate that. Thank you, again.

The Toothless Wonder....

So she has been jealous of M for weeks. He has lost 3 teeth and had three visits from the tooth fairy. She has been running around telling everyone that her tooth is loose. I stand behind her and silently shake my head, as the questioning eyes look up at me. This had been going on for several weeks, and I had gotten to the point where I was placating her without really checking anymore. Then last Monday, I thought I should probably check them again. When I looked in her mouth again, the teeth were still not loose, but there was something else I noticed....two permanent teeth right behind the bottom front ones! Coincidentally I had a dentist appointment the following day. The girls came with me and I had the dentist take a look at her. He confirmed what I already expected...... they had to come out. They had an opening the following day so we made the plan. We broke the news to her and she was.......excited! Thrilled even. I gave full disclosure, told her about the shot, but dreams of the tooth fairy far outweighed any ogres I could throw at her. So we walked out of there, my oldest child, walking on air because she was getting her teeth pulled, and my youngest child crying because she was not getting her teeth pulled and she wanted to. (obviously the eldest child is not the only one experiencing some jealousy) I am only glad they could get her in the next day as I don't know how much longer I could take listening to how the tooth fairy was going to bring her a diamond ring. The next morning she woke up excited and we headed down the hill. She had one moment of trepidation when she was in the chair and the shot came out, but she quickly got over it. Not a tear was shed. Not a cry escaped those lips, she was incredibly brave. And focused. She wanted the teeth, to give to the tooth fairy. We left the dentist and went to school. After we dropped off her sister, E looked at me and said "mommy I no want my teeth out now", very seriously. I assured her it was not on the horizon for her. H was happy to be able to show off her teeth at sharing time. After school she got ice cream to celebrate her bravery. This however was overshadowed by what came next........a phone call from the tooth fairy! Yes she called to check and make sure that there were really going to be 4 teeth waiting for her! She said she had heard about the teeth and wanted to make sure H was not playing a trick on her. They had quite a conversation. Another day, another milestone. Another day that he missed. She is amazing. I know he would be proud of her. When I stood there by her side, holding her hand, I just kept thinking of him, and how he would have been there. How he would have stood there and held her little hand and cheered for her. He would have told her how proud he was of her. I can see in my minds eye, the scrunched up daddy face, he reserved only for them. I think again, how like him she is. Both in appearance and personality. I see her little smile and it reminds me so much of his big ol' gappy tooth grin. I think about it every day, as it is what I miss the most.

Quick Shout Out...

So.... R is coming back up to my house this Sat. to finish up the installation on that fancy generator from BilM. He was going to bring a trencher but with the rain it is too muddy to use it. If anyone is available to give him a hand I would really appreciate it. He doesn't neccessarily need skilled hands, just hands I think! The girls and I will be up visiting him. I know it is short notice, but if you have some time and are willing, drop me an e-mail @ Christopherpines@yahoo.com and I will get you R's number. I could post it here publically, but you know I only do that to people who really deserve it :o) THANK YOU!

They, Him, Me, Us and Them

They....you know who THEY are. THEY know who THEY are. THEY are not happy with ME, and I am not happy with THEM. THEY say THEY are helping HIM, that THEY are there for US, but WE know the reality. THEY are in it for THEM. There is no other reason that they would continue to make him wait like this. They hide behind the process, and try to drag it out as long as they can. They have held him hostage in his environment for 6 months. 6 months that we can never get back. There have been birthdays, holidays, firsts, all things that he has missed. Could he have been present anyway? That is the question. That is the only question that we are trying to have answered and they are holding it just out of reach. They wanted justification for his transfer to Kentfield. I got acceptance and recommendation from the doctor and director of the program. They wanted his doctors to give written recommendations. They did. Lengthy and descriptive recommendations. Still not good enough. When I asked for your help in your words, they accused me of "spamming" them. People expressing their concern in their own words is "spamming"? They know WE are watching. They know YOU are watching. They know that they do not just have to answer to me but that they have an entire community, his community, to answer to. Still they make us wait. They sent veiled threats. Now they want to have a meeting. A meeting with me and the doctors. The same doctors that have already recommended that he go to Kentfield. They say that they are "committed to providing him with appropriate care" but are not sure that Kentfield is the answer and want to present me with other options. Options that do not include the neuro therapy and evaluation that Kentfield would. They have taken an attitude with me from communication one. A snarky, petty attitude with the wife of a seriously injured man, who trying to pick up the pieces of their life and care for their children. A bad attitude. An attitude that has only encouraged me to be more determined to see this through to the appropriate conclusion. He is 39 years old. He has two small children. He is my husband and I will speak for him now. When these days are behind us. I have to know, with all certainty of my being that these life and death decisions were being made with every bit of information available to us. Information that a place like Kentfield is trained to give us. Are there other places that can do that? Certainly. Most of them are much further away, and many much more expensive. That is the most frustrating thing about this. It is so close. Has my resolve been challenged. absolutely. Has it wavered? Not a chance. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I have been scorned. It is US against THEM. It wasn't my choice. I didn't start this. I will however see it to the end. You see I don't have any other choice. That is the part that they don't seem to get. They go home, and move on, juggle other cases. Years from now, how they handled this case, this file, him, it will all be just a blip to them. Another name in a long line of claims. They choose how to handle this case. I do not have that luxury. There is nothing else for me to do. There are no other options. I have to fight. What is the alternative? Give up? When he is counting on me? When my children are counting on me? How could I live with myself? They throw this back at me like I should be making a choice. There is no choice. When there is no choice, there is only one path to travel. My resolve is firm.