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Monday, November 30, 2009

All's Fair in Love and War...

That is how the saying goes...."all is fair in love and war" well this is love and this is war. This is my Love and we are fighting a war. We have fought to get to this point and it seems so unfair to be so close and have it remain just out of grasp. He has been waiting for WC to pick up his claim, waiting to move to the brain injury program. They have picked up his claim, but still they make him wait. They make him wait and they make me justify his being transferred. They are for the transfer but they want to dictate where, and it just so happens the "where" does not specialize in brain injury any more than the place he is in. Oh they all can give him medicine and do range of motion exercises, but is that all he deserves? He is 39 years old, a husband, a father of a 3 & 5 year old, a son, a brother, a friend, 3 time officer of the year (this year included!), in good physical health, he deserves more, he deserves a shot, he deserves his best shot. I am not asking for experimental treatment in Austria, or even another state. I am asking for the best treatment and evaluation available here, in the North State. Is that so unreasonable? Is that more than he deserves? He has had no neurological treatment or evaluation since he moved to Redding. Isn't it time? Do not get me wrong, I am not expecting this place to work miracles, but I think they are the best chance for an accurate assessment as well as a realistic picture of where we are. That is what they do. Our lives have been on hold these last few months, as we waited and worked to get here, and now that we are here, they are inventing new obstacles and then making threats to me when I challenge them. Well I am going to challenge them, so they better get used to it. This is OUR life, not a number, or a name on a claim form. This is a real man. A good man. A great man. The best man I know. And it is time to fight for him. And now I need your help.It is time to rally the troops. So Troops, let's rally! I want them to know that I will not be pushed around, or go quietly into submission. I need them to know that he deserves this chance. Someone reminded me today that there is a special place in hell for people like this, who would make threats to a family that has already lost so much. Been through so much. I think he was right. I am going to post the contact information for the WC attorney, the WC adjuster and the WC insurance company. Please write to them. Please fax them. Please e-mail them, Please call them. Do whatever you are comfortable with, but please help me speak for him, when he is unable to speak for himself. I would like it to be in your words, your voice, so they know the support that we have, the support that he has. The more they are reminded the more likely they are to put a face and a family to this wonderful man. Help me help him.

WC Attorney
Richard A. Weyuker, Esq.
Cuneo, Black, Ward & Missler
700 University Avenue, Ste. 110
Sacramento, Ca. 95825
(916) 363-8822 (fax) 363-8821
rweyuker@cbwmlaw.com
RAW@cbwmlaw.com

WC Claims adjuster
Raymond Haynes
ray.haynes@yorkisg.com
(916)960-0926

WC Insurance Company
York Insurance
P.O. Bo 619058
Roseville, CA 95661-9058
(800)922-5020 xt 0926

To quote a line from one of his old time favorite movies "they drew first blood". They started it, help me finish it. All's fair in Love and War.......

Friday, November 27, 2009

Giving Thanks...

Tonight I am giving thanks to alot of people, a whole crew of people. R&D's crew of people. R has been planning this for sometime, the extent of his planning was not clear to me until today, but it is obvious he is not only good at what he does, he is great at it. He organized a crew of family and friends to come up here and take care of a few projects. I don't even know how you can thank people properly for what they did today. R had them organized into crews and they worked all day on various projects some running back forth from crew to crew. Last weekend, my BIL M made a commando run all the way up from San Diego and back again in a 24 hour period, in order to bring me a generator. A fantastic wonderful thing, that will come on AUTOMATICALLY if we lose power, how is that for fantastic. He met R here at the house while I was at the hospital, so that it would be here for the big day. R,C, K and A were all in the back making and prepping a pad for the generator to go on. On the back deck A, T, B and M, worked all day tearing out the old supports for the deck awning and replacing them with new and improved ones. R and D worked all day in the shop finishing the rewiring that R & R had started before. B & R helped me strip wallpaper border from my room, D taped and prepped and C & I painted it. S stacked up the wood he had brought the week before and ran errands back and forth all day. It was an amazing day. I was speaking to R yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner, we were talking about the plan for today. I told him how much I appreciated that they were all coming up here, and he told me "there was nothing fun for guys to do the day after Thanksgiving." Today after it was all said and done I asked him if he was sure that he wouldn't have had more fun at those Black Friday sales. He smiled and told me that he had a great time today. The smile was in his eyes. I heard those sentiments echoed all day today. They were having a great time, and I was the grateful recipient of an extreme home makeover. It was a pretty awesome experience. I cannot wait to tell him about all of the projects that were finished today. I think he will be grateful too. Tonight I am thankful, and giving thanks......Thank you.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thankful and Faithful...

He has a new roommate. We had not yet met. I had gotten to his room, and was busy about my business. I was shaving him, trimming the goatee, and going through our stretching routine, when I heard a voice on the other side of the curtain. First I heard a muffled statement, and paused, not sure if he was speaking to me. Then I heard it again. I took a step back to see the man on the other side of the curtain. He was older 70+, and he was sitting upright in his bed. I smiled at him, and said I was sorry I hadn't heard him. He looked up at me and cleared his throat, and repeated "I said I admired your faithfulness" I must have looked puzzled because he repeated it again this time adding that he had been listening to me talk, and that he admired my faithfulness to my husband. He was very sincere, and not concerned that he had been listening to my conversation. I wasn't really bothered by his eavesdropping, but rather curious by his lack of awareness of it. I spoke with him for a time. I told him that we have been together for 20 years, and it was not my faithfulness that was being challenged but his. I explained to him, that really I have no other options, but that man there in the bed, he is the one with options. He is the one who is having his faithfulness challenged. He is the one who has to chose to fight, to return to us. He is the one who is facing the unknown journey, the one who has to have faith in the unknown and the uncertain. I only have to have faith in him. That is the easy part. I have had faith in him for 20 years and he has never let me down. Aggravated me beyond belief at times, but never let me down. I have faith in him. Faith that he will do whatever he can to come back to us. He has to have faith that whatever the journey brings, he can overcome it. He has to have faith that no matter how hard it is or how long it takes, that in the end it will be worth it. I have to just have faith in him. I rest my cheek on that familiar chest, or look into those green eyes and it is easy for me to have faith in him. For that I am thankful.....

Friday, November 20, 2009

A moment too soon...

It seems that I spoke too soon or that my lesson in patience is not over. It seems that while WC has decided to pay for his care, they don't seem to like the care that I chose. I only had 4 months to research it, get referrals, talk to people, doctors, and plan. I guess all of that means little to them, as they are just concerned about the geography of the hospital. It is funny to me that they would send me a letter accepting the claim and stating that they would be "working with me to provide the best care possible" for my husband, and then argue with me and and send me veiled threats when they are the ones who came late to the party. I have found the best possible place for him to go. I am willing to take the distance, to sacrifice the time, and they are concerned about geography. It is all about "utilization of resources". Well I say "Bring It". I am determined to get him there. They might not make it easy, and I might make it really difficult but I am determined. As I said to someone recently, I am the one who has to tuck his children in bed at night, and I am the one that has to look into their eyes when they tell me how much they miss him. I have to be able to look at them, and know that I have done everything possible to bring their father back to them. Everything in my power. They are the only ones that I answer to in all of this, so I say BRING IT. They want to leave me hanging for 4 months. Want to make me wonder and worry, as it came down to the final hours of his coverage, and now they want an opinion. They want the final opinion. I think not. It seems that I rested a moment too soon. Or perhaps it was the rest I needed to go on to the next battle. Well it is on, and not a moment too soon. I am rallying the troops, and we will press on.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I will follow him...

I WILL FOLLOW HIM (Little Peggy March)

I will follow Him, follow Him wherever He may go,
And near Him, I always will be,
For nothing can keep me away, He is my destiny.

I will follow Him, ever since He touched my heart I knew,
There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high, it can keep,
Keep me away, away from His love.

I love Him, I love Him, I love Him,
And where He goes, I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow.

I will follow Him, follow Him wherever He may go,
There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high, it can keep,
Keep me away...

I will follow Him (follow Him),
Follow Him wherever He may go,
There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high, it can keep,
Keep me away, away from His love...

I love Him (Oh yes, I love Him)
I'll follow (I'm gonna follow)
True love (He'll always be my true, true love)
Forever (Now until forever)
I love Him, I love Him, I love Him,
And where He goes, I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow,
He'll always be my true love, my true love, my true love,
From now until forever, forever, forever...

There isn't an ocean too deep,
A mountain so high, it can keep,
Keep me away, away from His love.

Those songs are playing in my head again. It is hard to know what is going on in his head. Now that we have the WC on board, I have shifted gears and am planning the next steps for him. They have done a great job where he is, getting his body ready for the next step, but he now needs more than they can give. After doing much research and talking to many professionals, I have gotten him accepted to a a brain injury program in Kentfield. This is in Marin county. It is about a 3 hour drive from here. They will doing a series of drug therapy called "activating" drugs, they have a neuro-psychologist and many other options not available here. He is ready. We are waiting for the details to shake out, but it should be soon. People have been asking me many questions, "are you going to move there?"...of course not. Our life is here, the girls school is here, we all need stability right now. "How will you manage the long drive?"......It is a long drive, and I will not be able to be there as much, but we will make it work. We will take turns going to be with him. I am thinking of it as if he were going to school. He is going there to learn, to see what he is capable of, and that is all up to him. He still needs our support, and our protection, but we have gotten him and his body strong. He is in "fighting shape" it is his turn now. His turn to lead us. I will follow him....

Friday, November 13, 2009

With baited breath.....

I was sitting at the table with friends yesterday when I got the message. I heard the familiar bleep of my phone letting me know that I have e-mail. It has been my trusty companion for the last 4 months, never far from my side. I saw the familiar name and held my breath. I could feel my stomach sink, and my fingers shake as I scrolled down the screen. It was one sentence. One very powerful sentence. When I read it, I felt my shoulders slump. I felt a warm rush of relief flow through my body. The enormous weight had been lifted. "Work Comp has accepted the claim" That statement changed everything. The last two weeks have been some of the most stressful of my life, perhaps even more stressful than those first days. You see yesterday was his last day of hospitalization coverage under his health insurance. As of this morning the hospital was going to start billing me $800.00 per day for his care. I was under the gun. I have made every phone call I could think of. I was in daily communication with my attorney, but time was running out.We filed the claim the first week this happened. It took this long. They took it all. I understand it is big for them, the money is a concern, but I also know that I was already in the most difficult situation of my life and they made it harder. They drug it out, they caused me more pain and stress. They took my time and energy. Things that I could have used for my children and husband. They made me jump through hoops and expend energy that could have been better used. I am angry about that. I will allow myself some today to be angry about that. Then I will pick up and move forward. I am a planner. Type A to the T, and this entire situation has effectively booted me out of my comfort zone and left me at the mercy of others and the system. My stomach has been in knots, my sleep has been almost non existent. I have been tired, distracted, and just plain worn out. Thankfully S took the girls for me these last two days, as I watched my stress level reach an all time high. There are moments that I actually felt removed from my body, like I was watching someone else's life from a distance. What does this mean? It is peace of mind. His medical care is covered. No matter what happens with the rest of it, his care is covered. That is huge, that is everything. We have a long road ahead. So much ground to gain, but the path is now paved. One less thing that I have to worry about. One really big thing. Now we can get back to business at hand. We can get back to the important stuff, the part that my girls will remember. We can get back to their daddy, to helping him heal.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A quiet weekend...

We had a quiet weekend. After R & R came up to put in my new heaters, (which we LOVE), they took the girls back up with them so I could have the evening to myself and have the morning to get my orders out before heading north. When I got up to see him, he was getting ready to have a shower so I shaved him and trimmed up the goatee so he would feel really fresh when he came back. He usually loves having his shower, and came back to rest in a very peaceful sleep. I left him sleeping to head to C&L's for dinner. MAC had decided to have all of the kids over there for a sleepover party, and give us parental types another child free night and chance to sleep in. The kids had a great time, playing together, and generally torturing MAC. I got up in the morning and headed to the hospital to spend the day with him. He was awake and looking around I talked to him about the girls, the week, school, Halloween and all the other little details of life. We got him up in his chair, and decided to have a quiet afternoon. I pulled his chair around, put my chair up next to his and pulled the TV down in front of us. I turned the lights off and searched for a movie. I found Lethal Weapon, on of his all time favorites, and put it on. I held his hand and put my head on his shoulder, we spent the next two hours as we have spent so many before them. Sitting together in a darkened theater, watching a movie. Going to the movies is another of his favorite things. He would go over and over to see the same movie, yet could quote lines word for word after the first viewing. So we sat there just as we had in those days past. Me curled around his arm, with my head on his shoulder, no words needed as we quietly watch the movie. I can close my eyes and breathe in the scent of him. In those moments we just are. There are no expectations, no words missing from the conversation, no gray hospital walls. There is no uncomfortable silence, there is just us. In that moment we just are. He is giving everything he can to me. His warmth, his strength, his presence. I am soaking it in, drawing it in, and allowing the calm to wash over me. I am comforted by it, I allow myself to relax. To be quiet. We will turn on the lights and leave the "theater" later. First we will enjoy the "normal" we can have. We will mourn again later for the things we have lost, the things we are missing, but for now we will quietly enjoy the moment. We will be still. When I close my eyes and feel the warmth of his shoulder under my cheek, the contstant rythym of his breathing, I can breathe.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Waiting for Winter...

It has been a helluva week. I am exhausted. We started the week with our usual busy Monday, and we added dentist appointments for all three of us. The girls did great, E even volunteered to go first! From there we went to lunch, then school, the post office, swimming lessons, the grocery store and finally home. Tuesday started out with it's usual fanfare, getting both lunches packed, both girls ready for school, packing our sharing item, getting both girls down the hill and into school, then coming home for the glorious few hours I get to myself during the week. A picks up the girls for me so that I have time to come home and get a few things done without helping hands. However when I got all the way home on Tuesday (35 minutes from the school)there was a message waiting for me that H was in the office not feeling well. I turned right around and headed back down the hill to pick her up. I had to take E out a little early so we could get home and let H go down for a rest. A little fever, she said her tummy hurt, she slept for the day and was back on the mend the next day. I thought we would spend a quiet day or so at home, put the movies on for the girls, let them rest and have Popsicles. Well that worked for H, but little E must have been channeling her wild inner monkey, because that kid was all over the place. She is usually my girl who will play quietly at my feet as I am filling orders, or sneak off in her bedroom only to be found quietly playing pretend. Not this week. That girl was just full of herself. She was bouncing off the furniture, literally. She was laughing, jumping, and running around. She was having long real and pretend conversations on the phone. She was having wild and intricate pretend scenarios involving a wolf costume (something she just made up and kept pretending) and all kinds of adventures she was having. Of course all of my allergies have drained leaving me with a froggy throat and a cough, this on top of watching H, and trying to just stay out of E's way, has left me spent. I got nothing done this week. Something good happened today though. Actually something great. R &R came down to the house today and spent all day going through our electrical panel and installing our brand new heaters! In all these years we have heated pretty much strictly with wood. We have two very good stoves, one at each end of the house. They do a good job if you are home to tend them. With our crazy and inconsistent schedule it is hard to keep the home fires burning all day. We have often used portable heaters to supplement or just take the chill off. I have never been really comfortable with them, always worrying that one of the girls might trip over one on a midnight potty break. I looked at some different options and got some opinions. Our house has never been ducted for heating or air, and I decided it was too much of an investment to take on right now, but I wanted to have something to make it a little easier on us. I got Cadet room heaters. Each one goes into the wall and has it's own individual thermostat. They put them in all the bedrooms, the main bathroom and the living area. They work beautifully! It was alot of work, they worked all day, but I am so pleased with the results! And to top it off, R took the girls home with him, so that I can sleep in tomorrow morning before heading up! Another thing that helps make our life more manageable. Makes it not seem quite so overwhelming. S also brought us a load of wood last weekend to add to what we already have, and I am feeling warm and snug going into winter. And I get to sleep in tomorrow!

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Beast of Burden...

No one ever wants to be a burden, myself included. I have several friends who have recently been telling me that they feel badly that they have not helped me or done something for me recently. They have helped me when I needed them, I remind them. I do not want to put the all of our needs on any one or two people. They were there at the time that I needed them, doing the things that I needed at the time. It is a fine balance. You appreciate the help, even need it, but do not want to exhaust others with your life. At some point it is your life and you have to be responsible for it. You do not want to be a burden. I have other friends who I am relying more heavily on now, because of time and circumstance. Some could not be there in the beginning for the long hospital shifts, but now they are helping in the ways that we need now. I appreciate everyone's help, those that I relyed on more then, and those that I am relying on more now. I do not wish to be a burden on any of them. It is a fine line, to be able to accept help and be grateful for it, and to worry that you are leaning too much, taking too much from others. Last week was a crazy chaotic week. It was Halloween, H was Butterfly of the Week, we had flutterbye the class mascot come home for a visit, school carnival, costume parade, baked 6 dozen cupcakes for the cakewalk, made creepy witch fingers for our special class treat, helped in the classroom, juggled lawyers and doctors, swimming lessons, the house, the yard, all of the usual activities, it was one thing to another, a very busy week. I was very busy and caught up in all of the chaos. Some people asked me why I would volunteer to help with the carnival, the classroom, the treats, considering the circumstances. My girls will only have one childhood, and it is not stopping because of what is going on. I still have a job to do, and that has not changed, in fact my jobs have increased. I am doing what I planned, what we planned to do for them. Certainly someone else could have baked cupcakes, but H is still talking about the "cupcake decorating party" and I think that makes it clear that it is the right thing to do. If she is talking about cupcakes, instead of crying about her Daddy, then it was the right thing.

We finished the week by heading north. I spent time with him on Sat. showing him the Butterfly Queen costume I made for H while I sat with him, sewing on the final rhinestones. The girls Trick-or-Treated with D's family, a gaggle of 9 kids bopping through the neighborhood, they had a great time. I knew that E did not quite understand the whole concept, but when they went to the first house and she turned around with a huge grin and said "Mommy, I got candy!" she caught on fast. It was wonderful to watch them, laughing and showing off their buckets of treats. They had a carefree and wonderful time.

I was on the way to the hospital on Sun. when I got the news. I had lost a friend. We had been friends for more than 10 years. She and I were very different, but still we always had much to talk about. I met her in the first antique mall that I was in, and we fell into an easy friendship. She was old enough to be my mother, but she was never motherly to me. She was just my friend. I loved to tease her about her love of 60's kitch. She liked purple and bright colors, and hated to wear shoes. She loved a good treat and was always generous with sharing. She and I did many craft and antique shows together over the years. If we had not seen each other in awhile, we could still pick up and start a conversation, never running out of things to say. I teased her about her old fashioned expressions. "we're cooking with gas now!" was one she liked to use. She loved her family, she was always thoughtful, and she was my friend. When I had H, she came to see me in the hospital, moments after they had taken her in a helicoptor to Davis. When I was pregnant with E and had to spend every Monday getting a 7 hour infusion, she would come and visit me. She would sit with me and talk, or bring lunch, like we were having a picnic. She came to my girls birthday parties, and remembered to send them cards at holidays. She was a good friend. A mutual friend called to give me the news. I had to pull over on the side of the road to catch my breath. She found out she was ill a few weeks ago, and had been in the hospital the week before. Why, I wondered did she not tell me. She did not want to add to my burden Y told me. She knew how much I had on my plate. The rest of our conversation passed in a blur as another part of my brain kicked in and went to the last time I saw her, the last time we talked on the phone, the last note I got from her, the last e-mail we had exchanged. When I got to the hosptial I told him about it. It was hard to sit there by his bed and cry, and not be able to have him comfort me. When I got home last night from our busy Monday schedule, her husband called me. I told him how sorry I was, and what a great friend she was. I told him that I wished I had known, had been able to see her or offer her some comfort. He told me that she had not wanted to burden me. That she knew the stress and pressure that I was already in, and she had not wanted to add to it. A friend to the end. She didn't want to burden me. That burden is a beast. Would I have taken some of the burden to be able to see her and talk to her one more time, yes.

D and I had a conversation about this not too long ago. About my viewing my needs as a burden, and her trying to convince me that it was a gift that I can give to others. I can see that with my friend. I can see that I would have taken the burden, to recieve the gift. The gift of her presence. The gift of her precious time. The gift of her spirit one more time. I see that. It is a much harder place to be in for yourself. I have a harder time wrapping my mind around acceptance for myself. This conversation exasperated D, she wanted me to see that I have different standards for myself than I do for others. Why is that? Burden.....is a beast.
 
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