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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Another Fork in the Road...

Over the last year, there have been many paths we have travelled that I thought we never would. Today marked the start of another one. There was no fanfare or celebrations, but today he became "retired" Sheriff's Detective Eric Christopher. I am not sure it is actually "official" as no one has notified me in writing or otherwise, but when we had our meeting, they gave me today as the day. It has been just over 15 months now. Fifteen excruciating long months, with few answers or understanding. Today marks the start on a new path. The symbol of another door closing. The finality of a part of him, and a part of our life together. In the land of uncertainty, it is defined. I do not know where it will lead, it is all uncharted territory for us. Another fork in the road.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Week.

The week in review. It is hard to believe that after over a year of time, so much comes to a boiling point in the very same week. On Monday, I finally met with the county and had my questions answered. There was an apology given, an excuse, an explanation. "Things were complicated by WC...." I heard them. I understood what they were saying. I understood those complications from the beginning. I also told them, that while I appreciated the difficulties of the situation, had they simply communicated that they needed more time, instead of ignoring me. Ignoring all of my attempts at communicating, not calling on the days and times specified by them for such communication. That I made myself available each and every one of those times, but was left waiting. That the unforgivable part was not in the fact that they were unprepared to meet with me or discuss my questions. The unforgivable part was failing to keep me informed. Failing to tell me that they they had jumped the gun in initially agreeing to discuss it, and that they needed a little more time. Much of my frustration, my fears, my changing plans, the extra worry, all could have been relieved with a simple communication. I hope that is now surely understood. That being said, the meeting was fruitful. My questions were answered. He is set to be retired at the end of this month. I understand what that means. I know how it works. I know how long I will have medical coverage. Questions, answered. Wednesday was a hard day for me. Many people knew and I got quiet messages through the day. It was his 40th birthday. 40 years old. 22 years ago I met him, we were both just 18. I remember the first birthday gift I gave him. We had just been dating weeks. Mad magazine, red licorice, and liquid starch. (ROTC uniforms) I also gave him a card. I ran across that card recently when looking in his things for something. In all of these years I have not seen it. He saved it. On Thursday I had to go to court. To gain conservatorship of my 40 year old husband. Friday found me making the 4 hour drive back over to see him, and as it is Sunday afternoon, I am preparing to make that same drive home. The girls did not know it was his birthday this week. I kept it to myself. They knew we did "daddy's race" for his birthday and D brought a cake and everyone sang happy birthday and it was a good day. It was a happy day for them. I didn't want them to close their eyes that night missing him any more than they already do. I didn't want them to feel that loss any more sharply. I will drive home tonight, pick them, tuck them into bed, get their things ready for school in the morning. I will unpack our suitcases, and do the laundry, set out their clothes for the morning. I will have a nice long shower before bed, and when I am there, I will cry. I will cry because I miss him, because they miss him, and because of all he is missing. When I wake up in the morning, the week will start all over again. Another day. Another week.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Juddgement day.

Judgement day, but is it mine or is it theirs? After almost 3 months of aggressively trying to get answers from the county, they have finally agreed to meet with me. They are supposed to have answers to a specific list of questions. We will see. Out of the blue I recieved an e-mail that they were ready to meet with me and discuss the issues of my concern. It contained a perfunctory one line of generic apology. Not much concern for adding more onto my burden, no excuses for setting up phone meetings, then failing to call me, no apologies for failing to even respond to my multiple messages. No explanations for initially responding that they would discuss the issues with me, then completely ignoring my many attempts to contact them. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. I do take well to being ignored. I do not appreciate having unnecessary burdens put into my lap. I do not tolerate cowards, shirkers, or people that avoid their responsibilites well. We will see how they do with me. It is judgement day. Today I am thinking of him. Thinking of his way of facing the world, with honesty and integrity, yet willing to fight. I hope it doesn't come to that.

For him....

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

[Chorus:]
It's the eye of the tiger, it's
the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor
stalks his prey in the night
And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds, still we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive

[Chorus]

Risin' up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive.

Eye of the Tiger: Survivor

As the days fall into years....

It is hard to believe that this month is here. It marks 22 years of our relationship. 22 years since we met as 18 year old kids, out of the house for the first time, and anxious to find our own way in the world. 22 years of the best times I could ever dream of and of the worst. 22 years and I am the only one who thinks about it. The girls have no concept of time, and how amazing that is. He is not aware of the time or it's passage. It is enough time to have born a child, raised them, and seen them graduate from college. A long time, yet not enough time. It is funny, they say that people change. People don't change. They grow, they adapt but they don't change. At the core of my being I am still that same girl who met a boy in her college laundry room. The girl who was reserved, cautious, and responsible, who met the boy with the heart of a boy scout, and an adventurous spirit. She recognized in him the passion for life, the quest for adventure, and the humor that she longed for. She was excited to be able to be able to have someone to show her a different path, to always make her laugh. She was the anchor that held their foundation firm, sometimes while they travelled together, and often keeping it solid for him when he returned from his own adventures. She is still trying, but she misses the laughter, as the days fall into years...

Thursday, September 9, 2010

In Her Daddy's Shoes...





Do you recognize those green eyes? How about that wide infectious smile? They are his, and she did him proud as she does every day. She ran her daddy's "birthday race", she greeted everyone we knew (and many we didn't) with cheers and high 5's as we were on the trail. She is amazing.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Victory is ours!

Well perhaps that is a tad melodramatic, but we are victorious because we all made it across the finish line! This year we had 5 registered 3 person teams, 3 registered solos, several of the team members did two legs of the race (their second leg just for fun)and one did the whole race for fun. We also had several others come out and walk the 4.5 miles with the girls and I. It was a great day. It was amazing. R, D & the Mehoffs joined us, and showed up with an amazing amount of food, which we all appreciated! He would have loved to have been there. We all had our shirts on, and every time we passed one of our shirts out there, we had big cheers. We had one team place 3rd in their category, we won an award for having the biggest "family" represented, we got a medal for the youngest registered participant (10 years old and he did the bike and the run! Although next year he will have competition as H ran the whole run as an unregistered participant!) and our star of the day G who did the entire triathlon (for the first time!) and won her category, but we all won that day. We all went out there in spite of all of the obstacles of the last year and we finished. I was listening to H & E talk about something the other day, and E said "well my daddy always says try, try again, and do your best". We did. We did our best. He would be proud.

Friday, September 3, 2010

We're off to see the Tinman....

We are leaving right after school tomorrow to head up for the triathlon. The race will be Sunday morning, but we will spend a little time enjoying the cooler weather and just relaxing before the big day. We are excited to have a great group of teams and several solo participants as well. We will bring out our shirts and have a good show. The girls know that we are going to do the race again for daddy. They are excited. They associate it with his birthday. They think the whole triathlon is a celebration of his birthday. We will all celebrate for him, doing something that he loved with people he loved. I haven't had much time for regular training, but am hoping the leaf blowing and weedeating that I have been doing, will be enough to get me over the finish line. MAC is coming down to swim for my team again so I figure she is my ace in the hole! We are packed. We are ready. We are off to see the Tinman....... See you there!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Still Standing..

The last two weeks have been busy ones. I feel like I am always saying that. The pace of life seems to have picked up so much, there is never enough time to fit it all in. Perhaps it is also as I tell the girls "Mommy has all the jobs to do right now". My jobs, his jobs and everyone else's jobs as it seems no one does their job any more. Some things have started to change for which I am grateful. Someone spoke to the SO on my behalf and made them aware of what was going on at the county. This ripple caused someone with a little more muscle than I have, to become involved. He has been able to get ahold of the people who have avoided my calls, and they have to have answers for him. Oh there is still bureaucracy, but things are starting to move forward and I think they understand that their actions are being observed. I really appreciate that. I suppose that knowing that they were causing me more stress and grief was not enough of an incentive to do the right thing, but knowing that others are holding them accountable was. I have finally been informed that they are moving forward with his retirement. I am not sure when it will all be in place, but at last I have been enlightened as to their intentions. There are many other factors still in play. I am at least expecting to be informed as the process moves forward. I spent a glorious day last week being deposed by the naughty people. It is excruciating sitting across the table from 3 lawyers while they probe the details of your life. Asking you ridiculous questions like "do your children have any effects from this event?" Words cannot express the profound impact this has made on their lives, on all of our lives. But the obvious answer is not good enough, they want to watch the emotion flood over you, they want to dissect your every move and response. They want to challenge you, your memories and your life. Seven hours of fun. Driving home to make it just in time for back to school night. Then off the next day to go and see him. Spend the weekend with him, then back in time for school. And then it starts over again. I am sure we will establish a new routine. H is still getting used to full day school, it is much more of a transition than I thought it would be. Kindergarten, I now realize was much a world of it's own, but first grade is a whole new deal. The first few days she came home looking like a victim of PTSD. She is adapting, slowly. She likes it, but so much change challenges her. She is talking about missing him alot again. How can she not miss him when things are challenging, he was her knight in shining armour, bigger than life, her daddy. And so we cycle back around again. Every night with the anticipation of the new day and the new challenge, brings up his loss. When she gets into bed, and is finally alone with her thoughts, I see the sadness reflected in her eyes. I would give everything to be able to take that away for her. E jumped right into preschool, it being so familiar to her. She lives so much more in the here and now, is more connected to me. It is a double edged sword. On one hand such a relief to be able to spare her some of the pain, but on the other hand, the deep sadness that her memories will not be as vivid. We are making a path, two steps forward, one step back. But at least we are still standing.
 
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