Disrespect.

I am tired of being disrespected. I understand that what is going on in my life right now, is simply part of the job to some people. I understand that. But if it is part of their job, they should do their job. I have never travelled down this path before and their are bound to be forks in the road, a map would be nice, but if one is not available, then there should at least be someone I can stop and ask for directions. I knew that his year on WC was getting close to and end, but I did not know what happens next. Does it end right at a year? What happens from there? Does he retire? Go on disability? How does that all work? I asked the questions but no one had answers for me. I had a meeting at Human Resources for the county months and months ago. I had questions for them then, many of them they were unprepared to answer, but they promised to get the answers for me and get back to me. Still waiting. I asked when WC was going to end and what happens next. I got a letter dated 7/9/10 informing me that his WC benefits were "going" to end on 6/26/10. Yeah 13 days after they ended they mailed me the letter. Nice. At the end of June I contacted Human Resources again, trying to have my questions answered. Tried several times to get ahold of the main person, only to be told almost 2 weeks later that he was on vacation and someone else would be helping me. That person sent me an e-mail saying that he was getting the information together, and would be prepared to go over all of my questions. I asked for him to call me the following day. He did not. I got a coworker who told me that he would call me the following day. He did not. I contacted HR again, this time I got an e-mail from the coworker again, saying that the man could call me any one of 5 times over the next two days. I said great. I would have my phone with me the whole time and he could call me during any of the 5 times they suggested. Two days passed and I did not get a call. I contacted the coworker again, and said that I had not received my call. I was informed that the man had to go out of town but that my concerns "were a priority to him" and that he would call me back the next Tuesday when he returned. That was this Tuesday. Yup you guessed it, no call. Not Tuesday, not Wednesday, not Thursday, not today Friday. A priority, right. I have been trying to contact them for a month. A month I have been waiting to find out what is happening to our future. Do we still have benefits? How long do they last? What can I expect? A month, and they cannot get back to me. If this is your job, do your job. Because what is your job is my life. My livelihood. My future. Do I really not have enough to deal with, enough uncertainty, enough instability? It is disrespectful to me. It is disrespectful to him. And it is disrespectful to all of the people who are still doing that job, thinking that if something happens to them, that their families will be taken care of. Disrespectful.

When it rains....it pours......

It seems that I have more lessons to learn. My life is not destined to be a smooth path for sometime. I was just trying to plan out my last weeks of summer, to make the best choices for him, for the girls, for us as a family, when another curve ball landed in my lap. K went into the hospital. She is never sick. She is my rock. She was in the hospital for 8 days, right across the hall from where he had been. The first time I came flying out of the elevator, it was like it had opened a window to my past. She is out and better now, but as I was gaining strength again, it took me back to feeling vulnerable. She is the one here who has been with me longer than him. It was humbling, again. I was fortunate that S had come to stay and help me with some projects at home, because she was able to stay with the girls and let me go to the hospital. When I saw her walk out of there, I was much relieved. I had already been planning to take her girls and mine to Portland to visit his sisters, and we decided to continue with the plan. As we were on our way, I got the news that he was being transferred two weeks early. While we were to be gone. They changed the plan again. I understand why they did it, but I am not mentally prepared to deal with sudden change right now. I need time to adapt the plan. I need time to get used to any changes, to figure out how the change is going to affect every other piece of the plan. I knew that his time would be up at the beginning of August and that it would be time to move him back closer to home. That was the plan. They decided to move him for a month to a transitional care facility that DrD still works with so that she can continue to monitor his progress for a little longer and then after a month, another evaluation to decide on the next step. He will continue with his drug therapy and to receive 15 hours of therapy per week, in hopes of seeing more improvements. I want him to be in the best place for him, but I am also getting frayed. I have alot of balls in the air and my arms are getting tired from juggling. K made me promise after her hospital stay, that I would take care of myself. A task that should be second nature but seems like another burden to juggle. I promised. I am trying. I just don't know how many more balls I can keep in the air at a time. I am struggling to find a balance. It just seems that when it rains, it pours.

The Thirteenth Year.

Today is our 13th anniversary, this past year being the 13th year of our marriage. If I was not superstitous before, this year has not inclined me towards the number thirteen. H asked me recently about our wedding "ball" and I pulled out our pictures and let the girls look through them, seeing us as we were and so many other familiar faces. They were delighted to compare us all then and now. Daddy didn't have any facial hair, but uncle S had a moustache! I let them each choose a picture to keep out for themselves. We have a few of the formal posed ones in the hall at the house, but they each chose a candid shot of the day. In the past weeks, those photos have found their way to tea parties, the trampoline, a picnic basket, and a trip the the beach among others. It is interesting for me to observe, and think back to that day and those two people standing there, having no idea how this life would unfold for them. The innocence. The anticipation. The love. The dreams. Some dreams have come true, as I see the picture of their dad and I propped up next to a naked barbie, an oversize tea cup in front of it, a small child happily chattering away to them both. And some have been undeniably crushed. I remember that couple, not quite kids but still not quite grown, making their plans, thinking of their future and celebrating life. I think of the song we danced to, and how it seemed that we had forever stretching out in front of us...

I'll always remember the song they were playin',
The first time we danced and I knew,
As we swayed to the music and held to each other,
I fell in love with you.

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?

I'll always remember that magic moment,
When I held you close to me.
'Cause we moved together, I knew forever,
You're all I'll ever need

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
(anne murray)

I never thought that time would pass so quickly, that days could seem so excrutiatingly long. I never thought I would be a mother, whose children's father never saw a single day of their school life. I never thought the thirteenth year would be life shattering. Forever altering. I have spent the last two days with him, and as with every milestone, it makes me emotional. It makes me so deeply sad. This was not our plan, the life we laid out together. This is not even a speed bump. This is irrecvocable, a wound that will never heal. I knew there would be hard times, life would be difficult. and I still signed on.

These times are troubled and these times are good
And they're always gonna be, they rise and they fall
We take 'em all the way that we should
Together you and me forsaking them all
Deep in the night and by the light of day
It always looks the same, true love always does
And here by your side, or a million miles away
Nothin's ever gonna change the way that I feel,
The way it is, is the way that it was

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Well this old world keeps changin', and the world stays the same
For all who came before, and it goes hand and hand
Only you and I can undo all that we became
That makes us so much more, than a woman and a man
And after everything that comes and goes around
Has only passed us by, here alone in our dreams
I know there's a lonely heart in every lost and found
But forever you and I will be the ones
Who found out what forever means

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Truer than true, you know that I'll always be there for you
That's what I had in mind, that's what I had in mind,
When I said I do
(clint black)

Our Baby is 4!

I can't believe our baby is 4 years old. This is the second birthday of hers he has missed. He has been away for a quarter of her young life, and the percentage just keeps growing. It is so hard to look at her and think that she might not remember first hand how much her daddy loves her. She will have pictures and videos and all of our memories, but I do not know if she will ever see his head thrown back in laughter and his belly shaking with delight. I don't know if she will ever see pure joy on his face as he catches sight of one of his girls. It is a hard thing to grapple with. From the time they were small I told them that I had picked the best daddy in the world for them. It is true, and so unfair that they are not getting this time with him. She had a great day, our little E. She is a funny little girl, who is mostly content to go with the flow. She was so excited to be celebrated and to have everyone there for her. She was lovely and gracious, and thankful. She was a delight to watch. H&C let us use their lovely yard and pool and we had family and friends come for summer fun. S bbq'd hot dogs, K made her the most amazing ladybug cake, K,C&A made all kinds of ladybug food and decor. It was a great day. They were just kids, running, swimming, playing, it was a great thing to watch.....But he was missed.

Another day, another wrench...

It seems every time I turn around there is another wrench tossed at me, or another ball to juggle. Workers Comp only pays for a year before it shifts back to long term disability and while he is on that I have to work on filing for his retirement. I have spent the last two weeks back and forth on the phone making calls to get the proper paper work and getting estimates and benefit sheets, reading over it all and talking to the represenatives so that I may figure out which option to chose for retirement. I get all of my paperwork filled out, I have flagged all of the places his employer must fill out, and mailed off workers comp's portion to them. I have made copies of everything from our marriage license to the kids social security cards. I have established legal guardianship and provided them with the court documents. Then, on the last phone call, I get yet another represenative and am told that in addition to the guardianship, I need to now file in family court for conservatorship that specifically states that I have the right to choose an option for his retirement. I need to find yet another attorney that deals with family court issues and file for conservatorship. It is unbelievable to me how many hoops there are to jump through. I think my manual must be on back order because I still have not gotten it. I do not know how people navigate all of this without going insane. Or maybe that is what they are counting on. That a certain percentage will just give up, that is it just too hard. That they are not as stubborn and hard headed as I am. I don't know. I just know I am tired of juggling, and I need a manual.