The Beast of Burden...

No one ever wants to be a burden, myself included. I have several friends who have recently been telling me that they feel badly that they have not helped me or done something for me recently. They have helped me when I needed them, I remind them. I do not want to put the all of our needs on any one or two people. They were there at the time that I needed them, doing the things that I needed at the time. It is a fine balance. You appreciate the help, even need it, but do not want to exhaust others with your life. At some point it is your life and you have to be responsible for it. You do not want to be a burden. I have other friends who I am relying more heavily on now, because of time and circumstance. Some could not be there in the beginning for the long hospital shifts, but now they are helping in the ways that we need now. I appreciate everyone's help, those that I relyed on more then, and those that I am relying on more now. I do not wish to be a burden on any of them. It is a fine line, to be able to accept help and be grateful for it, and to worry that you are leaning too much, taking too much from others. Last week was a crazy chaotic week. It was Halloween, H was Butterfly of the Week, we had flutterbye the class mascot come home for a visit, school carnival, costume parade, baked 6 dozen cupcakes for the cakewalk, made creepy witch fingers for our special class treat, helped in the classroom, juggled lawyers and doctors, swimming lessons, the house, the yard, all of the usual activities, it was one thing to another, a very busy week. I was very busy and caught up in all of the chaos. Some people asked me why I would volunteer to help with the carnival, the classroom, the treats, considering the circumstances. My girls will only have one childhood, and it is not stopping because of what is going on. I still have a job to do, and that has not changed, in fact my jobs have increased. I am doing what I planned, what we planned to do for them. Certainly someone else could have baked cupcakes, but H is still talking about the "cupcake decorating party" and I think that makes it clear that it is the right thing to do. If she is talking about cupcakes, instead of crying about her Daddy, then it was the right thing.

We finished the week by heading north. I spent time with him on Sat. showing him the Butterfly Queen costume I made for H while I sat with him, sewing on the final rhinestones. The girls Trick-or-Treated with D's family, a gaggle of 9 kids bopping through the neighborhood, they had a great time. I knew that E did not quite understand the whole concept, but when they went to the first house and she turned around with a huge grin and said "Mommy, I got candy!" she caught on fast. It was wonderful to watch them, laughing and showing off their buckets of treats. They had a carefree and wonderful time.

I was on the way to the hospital on Sun. when I got the news. I had lost a friend. We had been friends for more than 10 years. She and I were very different, but still we always had much to talk about. I met her in the first antique mall that I was in, and we fell into an easy friendship. She was old enough to be my mother, but she was never motherly to me. She was just my friend. I loved to tease her about her love of 60's kitch. She liked purple and bright colors, and hated to wear shoes. She loved a good treat and was always generous with sharing. She and I did many craft and antique shows together over the years. If we had not seen each other in awhile, we could still pick up and start a conversation, never running out of things to say. I teased her about her old fashioned expressions. "we're cooking with gas now!" was one she liked to use. She loved her family, she was always thoughtful, and she was my friend. When I had H, she came to see me in the hospital, moments after they had taken her in a helicoptor to Davis. When I was pregnant with E and had to spend every Monday getting a 7 hour infusion, she would come and visit me. She would sit with me and talk, or bring lunch, like we were having a picnic. She came to my girls birthday parties, and remembered to send them cards at holidays. She was a good friend. A mutual friend called to give me the news. I had to pull over on the side of the road to catch my breath. She found out she was ill a few weeks ago, and had been in the hospital the week before. Why, I wondered did she not tell me. She did not want to add to my burden Y told me. She knew how much I had on my plate. The rest of our conversation passed in a blur as another part of my brain kicked in and went to the last time I saw her, the last time we talked on the phone, the last note I got from her, the last e-mail we had exchanged. When I got to the hosptial I told him about it. It was hard to sit there by his bed and cry, and not be able to have him comfort me. When I got home last night from our busy Monday schedule, her husband called me. I told him how sorry I was, and what a great friend she was. I told him that I wished I had known, had been able to see her or offer her some comfort. He told me that she had not wanted to burden me. That she knew the stress and pressure that I was already in, and she had not wanted to add to it. A friend to the end. She didn't want to burden me. That burden is a beast. Would I have taken some of the burden to be able to see her and talk to her one more time, yes.

D and I had a conversation about this not too long ago. About my viewing my needs as a burden, and her trying to convince me that it was a gift that I can give to others. I can see that with my friend. I can see that I would have taken the burden, to recieve the gift. The gift of her presence. The gift of her precious time. The gift of her spirit one more time. I see that. It is a much harder place to be in for yourself. I have a harder time wrapping my mind around acceptance for myself. This conversation exasperated D, she wanted me to see that I have different standards for myself than I do for others. Why is that? Burden.....is a beast.