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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Falling Behind...

I have been falling behind in my blog posts as I have been reminded on several occassions lately. It is not that nothing has been happening, but rather that so much has been happening. Unfortunately just not with him. He has settled into his new enviornment and they are learning about him. They are trying to make him as comfortable as possible and are trying some new things with him. Some new approaches to his physical therapy and some new medications. So far things remain much the same. It has been a relief, not having to drive to the bay area, and staying with S&S has been wonderful, comfortable and normal. A nice change of pace. The girls have gotten to see him at their whim, for as long as they like. This has been a good thing, but also a reckoning. I think for them, while they wanted to see him, and asked about him, the distance also gave them a buffer from the situation. I have noticed a change in H on her recent visits. She is no longer the giddy cheerleader, bouncing in, trying to elicit a reaction. She has become more somber. More contemplative in her visits. Some have asked me what or if I tell them of his pronosis, but I have elected to let them lead. To let things take their natural progression. I knew that she would start to question, start to come to terms with the reality. She has. She has not given up hope, but the frenzy has subsided. She visits him, and looks into his eyes and talks to him, but she comes away with resignation. It is a hard thing to watch. It was inevitable but still a hard thing for a parent to watch in their child. I try very hard to balance their lives in other ways. To be so young and have to deal with something so grave, robs them of an innocense. I have tried to focus their energies instead on honoring thier father by doing the things that he would want and expect them to be doing. It is still hard, but it is time to start moving forward, to think about the future. Not leaving him behind, but in the ways that we can carry him with us, so that he continues on. We still hope for the best and continue to research and provide the best opportunities that we can, but life is not standing still. My children have not stopped growing. I have to keep moving forward for them, and reminding them of the best parts of him. The things that are not lying in that bed, his love, his laugh, and his spirit that lives on in them every single day. So we are moving ahead, trying to find new things to look forward to, continuing to surround ourselves with our family and friends. Moving ahead, even when feeling like I am falling behind.
 
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