Just another day of the week..

The Monday we left was my birthday. It was just another day of the week. Another day without him, another day I missed him. I chose that day to fly down to San Diego with the girls because I knew that we would be alone and no one would make a big deal about it. I did not want to celebrate. We drove down to Sacramento and S took us to the airport. It was a day like any other day. Just another day of the week. I never thought I would be here in these shoes. I never thought I would be here alone, approaching 40 with two small children to raise. I never thought they would be essentially fatherless at the tender ages of 5 and 3. It has been six months, half a year, and it has not gotten any easier. We left Sacramento and flew down to San Diego, and A met us at the airport. It was an unremarkable day, and an unremarkable flight. The girls enjoyed the adventure and it kept all of our minds and hands busy. It was good to be away. It was good to be where there were no demands or expectations. It was good to be where we did not have a history and everything was new. It was quite simply, much needed.

Another one gone, another one gone, another one bites the dust......

Year that is. Another year has come and gone. It went out with little fanfare in my house. We were all in bed before 10:30 and slept right thru the passage into the next decade. I met him in 1989, and we just passed thru 2009. Most of those years have been good years, even really good years. We have had our share of challenges and tragedy, but have always continued on. Gotten better even. Now that the worst year of our life has passed, there is a tiny bit of relief, a tiny part that I can put in a box and seal it up. I can look at that little black box and think, that was then, even though we are still living it now. I can look at that box and think that we will not have to open it again. There are still things to be dealt with and a long way to go down this path with an uncertain end. But that part that is in the box, it can stay in the box. We survived it. Not unscathed, but we have survived it. Some good has even come out of it. The good is the people. There are people I am so much closer to now. People that I know I can count on, people who have stayed the course with me. There are also those that have fractured under the weight of it all. But those that have stood with me, have brought me strength every day. We do not know what is coming, and I cannot even say that the worst is over, but that part that is in the box, it can stay in the box as we move forward. Not unscathed, but we did survive.

Life...

This was given to me recently and I really liked it.

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's
workshop.'

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family,
pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county;
to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa...
It has been a hell of a year. I have lost my grandfather, my friend and my conscious husband. I have tried to be good, but I admit that my patience has been tried. The girls have been amazing, but the cracks are starting to show in all of us. I am not sure what this Christmas is going to bring for us, or even what you can do. I am not sure why I feel compelled to write to you, but I do. We are not expecting your usual "physical" visit this year, as who else could step into your shoes for a night but him. This will be the first Christmas the girls have not had you drop by for a visit. I decided that it would be too difficult on all of us, to be here at home. The girls and I are going to do something different this year. We are going to San Diego to be with M&A for A's first Christmas. I know that will be a good distraction for all of us, and perhaps it will make your absence less noticeable. The girls are excited about a plane ride and getting to play with their baby cousin. I found the box with your spare suit in the barn, complete with gloves, glasses and boots. I had to close it back up, as it was too hard to look at. I know that you are really busy right now and in the crunch time, so I will get right to it. Really I only have two things on my list anyway. Please make sure the girls have a good Christmas. I have tried to cover all of the bases, but let's face it, he has always been the one to pick out your gifts for the girls. I got them each a gift for him to give to them this weekend when we go up there. It will make them happy to run in to see him, and have him waiting freshly shaven with gifts in hand. It breaks the ice for them, and makes them feel connected to him for a few minutes. I have had a harder time finding something to leave out for them on Christmas. I mean what can I get for them that is going to make their eyes light up? I can think of only one thing, but of course it was not available in any store I went to. Please let them be happy for a little while and let them not feel his loss so greatly, just for a day or two. The other thing I am asking for is Hope. Hope for the new year. Hope that he gets transferred as we have been waiting for, hope that we can get the answers we have been seeking and hope that he might still be in there waiting for us to find him. I know that two items seems like a short list, but I am sure you realize after reading them, that really it is everything. I know it is a lot to ask but really they have been so good. They have tried so hard. They have been so patient. So much more patient than I and so much more than we have a right to expect. This is such a huge and amazing burden for two small girls and I can honestly say after watching them these past six months, they are their father's daughters. They are so young, so incredibly small to have to carry such a big burden and wait in limbo for so long. I am so afraid that E won't remember him and how very much he has loved her. And H, I watch her go still and see her gaze glaze over and I know what she is thinking. She knows what it is like to be adored by her daddy, and to have that taken away is so cruel. I know that I am asking alot, but if there is anything you can do, I sure would appreciate it. Drive carefully, we will see you in SD. XO L

A black and white girl in a full color world....

I am strong. I am learning to embrace it. I don't know any other way to be than how I am. It is both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because it what gives me clarity, it carries me through. It is also a curse because it is what distances me from people. People seem to think that I have super human strength or that I expect them to be like me, for me. The truth is I do not have super human strength. I just cope with things the only way that I know how. Part of me shuts down and I focus on the details. I compartmentalize, I analyze, and I plan. I have to do this, it is what makes me feel in control when there is nothing in my control. I can control my actions and I can control my reactions. I also have a very strong sense of right and wrong, or black and white. That is the part I do not see as strength, that is the part that just "is" for me. That is the part that I do not doubt. I do not have trouble making a decision. It is either right or it is wrong. I do not have a problem with that, but I know others find it more challenging. I have always known that others find this intimidating. In my work life, I was able to use it to my advantage, but in my personal life it is sometimes more difficult. It causes confusion to even those closest to me. Sometimes people think they have to live to a standard that they think that I am holding. They think that I expect them to be like me. That I need them to be like me. The truth is, I do have high standards of behavior. The truth is that I also understand that everyone does not always think like me. He doesn't. He never has. One of his favorite things to tell me was "it is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission", exasperating yes, but also true. He always knew that if he gave me time to think about things, I would pull them apart in my head and analyze it to death. It would drive me crazy, but it is also why we work. I already am me, I do not need me. There are those wonderful people who are feeling like they are not helping me enough or are failing me in some way, because either they do not know what to do or because they think they cannot be like me. I am me, I do not need me. The people we surround ourselves with help to balance us, to ground us. They give us perspective and temper us. I am so fortunate to have so many people like this around me. They have given me what I need, when I need it. The truth is we all feel helpless. But they have been helpful. They have cared for my children, when I needed a break. They have cared for me when I felt alone. They have offered their support at all hours of the days or nights. They have just sat and talked with me when I felt bottled up with all of the compartments I had been carefully putting aside. They have given me what I need. They have given my children normalacy, entertainment, discipline and love, when what I had to give was not enough. This is what I have needed, this is all I have needed. There is nothing else I need that is anyone elses power to give. I know that some people see me and how I cope and think that I am doing it all, but the truth is there are people behind me. They are holding me up in the ways that I need. They don't know how much they are doing. They think that what they are doing is not enough, but it is everything.

Walking the line...

Another week has passed. Days running into each other, turning into weeks, working on 6 months. It is hard to believe that so much time has passed already. In some ways it seems like forever, but in others just the blink of an eye. I can clearly remember our last conversations. I can remember every detail of the phone call I got the following morning. Our cracks are starting to show. We are all tired, exhausted really. The girls are still doing amazingly well, but when you look the signs of strain are there as well. They have been more tired, more emotional at times, missing him more. The are alternately getting excited about Christmas and talking about how much they miss him. 6 months is a long time to live in limbo, a long time to hear "I don't know", 6 months is 1/6th of E's entire life. I miss him. I miss him terribly. My children's pain, that brings me to my knees. It agonizes me. What is equally as devastating is the thought that they might not have memories as sharp as mine. I worry that his memory, his smell,the sound of his laughter, the feel of his arms around them, that those things are fading in their memories. That they might never know these things again is a pain so excruciating it makes me physically nauseous to think about. I wonder how I can possibly be everything that they need, how I can lessen that void even a little bit. It seems nearly impossible. I don't know how I can make up for this. Instead I keep them busy. I keep our life moving and schedules full. We have a regular routine, and I add to it, to keep us busy and moving daily. They are starting to get wise to it. Especially H, I think she has figured out it is all a shell game. She has also figured out my number. She knows the one card to play that will stop me in my tracks every time. "I miss my Daddy". No matter where we are or what we are doing those words make my stomach drop and she knows it. It is a fine line to walk, knowing the difference between when they need to talk about it, when they just want attention or when they are trying to divert my attention. They are smart. They are brilliant. And I am walking the line.

We've Just Begun...

It has been a hectic week. First E decided to give her sister a haircut. I left them with art supplies at the table and went to check on my burn pile. When I came back in the house the art was abandoned but I found a little pile of hair in the center of the table. My gut dropped to my knees and I yelled for the girls, racing towards their room. They were calmly sitting there playing barbies. I held up the fistful of hair and questioned them. H looked up from combing her dolls hair and calmly said "She cut my hair", why did she do such a thing I asked? H said "we were playing beauty shop, but I told her not to really cut my hair, but she did anyway" I looked from one girl to the other, and they were so unconcerned about their mother standing there waving a handful of hair around. I asked H, "aren't you upset that she cut your hair?" "why?" she asked. Why? Why????? Because it makes every mother crazy that is why, I thought in my head before replying "because it ruined your hair" "Ruined my hair?" this time some mild concern. "Yes ruined your hair" "But mommy won't it grow back?" "well yes, but it will take a long time" "Oh, that's Ok, I'll wait". She'll wait? She can't wait for me to finish clearing the dishwasher before I get her juice and she will "just wait" until her hair grows back??? I marched her into the bathroom to assess the damage, a chunk out of the back and one on the side. Luckily I was able to taper the sides around her face to blend in the missing chunk. The back was a little trickier. Luckily I am the proud owner of a pair of thinning scissors and I went to town to blend in and add layers to the back. It was almost dead center. Auugghh.

We started out the whole week with the hair affair, and hit the ground running from there. I left the girls with K on Wednesday and took the time to run up for a mid week visit. I took him outside and we sat and enjoyed the crisp air and fall leaves. I spent about 2hours outside with him, telling him about the girls and playing videos of their thanksgiving feast, and other school activities. He was quiet, he was tired. I had the opportunity to talk to one of the occupational therapists, who said that she had had the best response ever from him in their session on Sunday. She said she was able able to get him to respond to her 4 out of 5 times consistently when asking him to move his arms from side to side. This was good. I got back to K's to pick up the girls and E was not feeling well. She ended up with a fever and the pukies Wednesday night. We drove down to take H to school and I came home to let E rest all day. D was so nice to pick up H for me and run her over to KP so I could let E rest until she was ready to wake up. It was really good for her. She has been in decent spirits but has been wiped out and not interested in eating much. She at least has been drinking fluids. I am not sure who is more wiped out her or I. She has been so good, but it still is hard to have one down for the count and the other bouncing off of the walls. I am tired. I think it is time for some rest.

P.S. They are "feeling the love" but not loving it so much. I have gotten more less veiled threats. I do not take kindly to threats. Sadly if they had been more civilized much of this could have been avoided. I think the message has been received, loud and clear. They do not have to answer to only the wife, but an entire community of people that are watching them to see what happens. It is important that they know that, that they continue to know that. Thank you, I appreciate the ongoing support. I know he does too. They can choose to end it at any time by doing the right thing...

We've Only Just Begun

We've only just begun to live
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we're on our way
We've only begun

Before the rising sun we fly
So many roads to choose
We start our walking
And learn to run
And yes! We've just begun

Sharin' horizons that are new to us
Watchin' the signs along the way
Talkin' it over just the two of us
Workin' together day to day, together
And when the evening comes we smile
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow
And yes! We've just begun

Sharin' horizons that are new to us
Watchin' the signs along the way
Talkin' it over just the two of us
Workin' together day to day, together, together
And when the evening comes we smile
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow
And yes! We've just begun

by The Carpenters