Dear Santa...

Dear Santa...
It has been a hell of a year. I have lost my grandfather, my friend and my conscious husband. I have tried to be good, but I admit that my patience has been tried. The girls have been amazing, but the cracks are starting to show in all of us. I am not sure what this Christmas is going to bring for us, or even what you can do. I am not sure why I feel compelled to write to you, but I do. We are not expecting your usual "physical" visit this year, as who else could step into your shoes for a night but him. This will be the first Christmas the girls have not had you drop by for a visit. I decided that it would be too difficult on all of us, to be here at home. The girls and I are going to do something different this year. We are going to San Diego to be with M&A for A's first Christmas. I know that will be a good distraction for all of us, and perhaps it will make your absence less noticeable. The girls are excited about a plane ride and getting to play with their baby cousin. I found the box with your spare suit in the barn, complete with gloves, glasses and boots. I had to close it back up, as it was too hard to look at. I know that you are really busy right now and in the crunch time, so I will get right to it. Really I only have two things on my list anyway. Please make sure the girls have a good Christmas. I have tried to cover all of the bases, but let's face it, he has always been the one to pick out your gifts for the girls. I got them each a gift for him to give to them this weekend when we go up there. It will make them happy to run in to see him, and have him waiting freshly shaven with gifts in hand. It breaks the ice for them, and makes them feel connected to him for a few minutes. I have had a harder time finding something to leave out for them on Christmas. I mean what can I get for them that is going to make their eyes light up? I can think of only one thing, but of course it was not available in any store I went to. Please let them be happy for a little while and let them not feel his loss so greatly, just for a day or two. The other thing I am asking for is Hope. Hope for the new year. Hope that he gets transferred as we have been waiting for, hope that we can get the answers we have been seeking and hope that he might still be in there waiting for us to find him. I know that two items seems like a short list, but I am sure you realize after reading them, that really it is everything. I know it is a lot to ask but really they have been so good. They have tried so hard. They have been so patient. So much more patient than I and so much more than we have a right to expect. This is such a huge and amazing burden for two small girls and I can honestly say after watching them these past six months, they are their father's daughters. They are so young, so incredibly small to have to carry such a big burden and wait in limbo for so long. I am so afraid that E won't remember him and how very much he has loved her. And H, I watch her go still and see her gaze glaze over and I know what she is thinking. She knows what it is like to be adored by her daddy, and to have that taken away is so cruel. I know that I am asking alot, but if there is anything you can do, I sure would appreciate it. Drive carefully, we will see you in SD. XO L