Walking the line...

Another week has passed. Days running into each other, turning into weeks, working on 6 months. It is hard to believe that so much time has passed already. In some ways it seems like forever, but in others just the blink of an eye. I can clearly remember our last conversations. I can remember every detail of the phone call I got the following morning. Our cracks are starting to show. We are all tired, exhausted really. The girls are still doing amazingly well, but when you look the signs of strain are there as well. They have been more tired, more emotional at times, missing him more. The are alternately getting excited about Christmas and talking about how much they miss him. 6 months is a long time to live in limbo, a long time to hear "I don't know", 6 months is 1/6th of E's entire life. I miss him. I miss him terribly. My children's pain, that brings me to my knees. It agonizes me. What is equally as devastating is the thought that they might not have memories as sharp as mine. I worry that his memory, his smell,the sound of his laughter, the feel of his arms around them, that those things are fading in their memories. That they might never know these things again is a pain so excruciating it makes me physically nauseous to think about. I wonder how I can possibly be everything that they need, how I can lessen that void even a little bit. It seems nearly impossible. I don't know how I can make up for this. Instead I keep them busy. I keep our life moving and schedules full. We have a regular routine, and I add to it, to keep us busy and moving daily. They are starting to get wise to it. Especially H, I think she has figured out it is all a shell game. She has also figured out my number. She knows the one card to play that will stop me in my tracks every time. "I miss my Daddy". No matter where we are or what we are doing those words make my stomach drop and she knows it. It is a fine line to walk, knowing the difference between when they need to talk about it, when they just want attention or when they are trying to divert my attention. They are smart. They are brilliant. And I am walking the line.