Quick News and a request for the BBQ

First the request. The BBQ is going to be held outside at the Sheriff's Office in Oroville. They are already planning for a big crowd. If anyone has any Easy-Up type canopies that they can loan for the afternoon, please either e-mail me buttecounty80@gmail.com or contact Linda Kepley from the BBQ flyer. They would like to have several of them for the day.

I spent the afternoon and evening with him, and am just getting ready to go back to the hospital now. He was good. He recognized me when he saw me and got emotional when I came in. The nurses commented on how alert he had been all day, watching everyone that came in. The doctor came in and told me that when she had come in earlier and said "Hi Eric" to him, that he had responded clearly with "hi". He was able to repeat some sounds back to me. It is obviously difficult for him and frustrates him. He is trying. We are hoping. I am back off to spend the day with him, while the girls spend time with grandma. I hope he rested well so we can have more progress today. Yesterday was the first day I felt his gaze so strongly. I continue to ride the rollercoaster, emotions rising and falling daily, but what other choice is there? I continue to think of this man I have known the whole of my adult life. I think of the man that he is, dependable and strong. I think he has always been there for me, my rock, my strength. How can I be any less for him? How can I walk into his room and give him anything less than my faith. It is simple. I cannot.

Swimmingly....

Swimming Lessons. Swimming lessons. They are doing great. Something for H just clicked. She just decided to swim. She ditched her floaty, decided putting her face in the water wasn't scary, and she just paddled across. She is so proud of herself, she even wants to wear goggles in the bath so she can practice. E is not so adventurous. She is loving the water, but she is firmly attached to that floaty ring. If you suggest putting her face in the water, she will give you the stink eye, and the deep rolling growl will start. The growl is so funny and it reminds me of a story he told me. It was just before Christmas and he took the girls to the mall on some errand or quest. He said they were walking down the center of the mall when he heard a funny little growling sound. He said he stopped and looked around, then down at E. She was making the deep growling noise, and when he stopped she barked out a fierce "No!". He was puzzled and looked around, and just as he spotted the culprit, so did H. Of course she had the exact opposite reaction from her sister. She brightened, squealed and jumped up and down yelling "LOOK! Look Daddy it's SANTA! He's my very best friend!" She ran over and gave him a big hug, chattering about nothing, about everything, as she does. Her sister stood firmly rooted where she was, glaring suspiciously ( but not fearfully) at the poor bearded man. He offered her a candy cane, and she debated holding her ground, finally deciding for the quick grab. She snatched the candy from his hand, still glaring and growling. He said he asked her if she could be nice to Santa, but she firmly stated "NO!" He laughed so hard. I still smile when I think about him telling me the story. One like him, everyone her friend, one like me, moody. It is funny how two siblings can be so different. Innately different.

BBQ Update...

Thank you to everyone who has already purchased tickets to the BBQ, and everyone else that plans to attend. The response I understand has been incredible. K called today to check on the details (as K does) and found out close to 800 tickets have already been sold. I was completely amazed. I really had no idea. She also found out that tickets WILL NOT be sold at the door. They are only purchasing enough food for the tickets sold prior to the event. I do not want anyone to feel obligated to come, I just wanted to let you know as several people from out of town have expressed an interest in coming, and I do not want anyone to travel there only to have no lunch. (For those of you that are not aware, if you click on the flyer at the left it will enlarge for you to be able to read the entire thing) When K called today she was told there had been some amazing things donated for the silent auction including a week at a Costa Rican Villa, and a helicopter ride. He would love both of those things himself. How fitting. How amazing. Thank you all so much for celebrating him and honoring him. I will be attending the BBQ with both of the girls. I look forward to being the presence of so many that think so highly of him. I think it will be wonderful for them to see again how large their family is, how many people care about their dad, about them. Thank you all for making that possible.

More Triathalon Updates...

We have had alot of interest in being part of the triathlon or simply joining us at "base camp" and we are excited to have everyone who wants to be there with us. I do want to point out again that if you would like to be part of it but do not have a team, please contact Kelly (skmora@netzero.com) and she can help put you together with others to make a team. I have another exciting piece of news. We were tossing around the idea of making up shirts for the triathlon. Kelly spoke to Scott Krelle about doing the artwork, and he instantly agreed! I just got this wonderful sketch from him, he is an immensely talented artist who has an eye for details. I can only assume that he must be a cop for the love of the job, as he is so clearly talented in other ways as well. If anyone does not understand the reference, read the previous post about "the infamous garbage can story". Thank you Scott!

Pain and comfort...

They changed the trach. They put in a new one that has a speaking valve in it. It was more difficult than I thought it would be. First it was physically traumatic to him. He was sedated when they put the first one it, and "awake" when they put this one in. For the first hours after the change, when he would swallow or cough, a look of pain and discomfort would cross his face. It was good to see yet hard to watch. We have been dreaming of communication, yet the first sounds, the ones of pain, have been hard to hear. It broke my heart to watch him cough and then contort his face in pain, while hearing the almost primitive moan coming from him. I put the rail down on his bed and crawled up by his head to hold him, to reassure him, to comfort him....and myself. It is hard to see someone so strong, in such a vulnerable position. It is gut wrenching to see his pain, bewilderment, confusion and to feel so helpless. It is so hard to witness, yet oddly comforting as well. Comforting in the sense of feeling a connection. An emotional connection on the most basic level. In that moment, no matter how painful, we are together. He needs comfort and I can give it. He takes it, responds to it. I sit there holding him, stroking his head, tears streaming down my face, and in that moment we are one. We are only that moment. It leaves me raw, depleated, and exhausted. It also gives me hope.

The girls...it takes a village...

The girls. They are on everyone's mind. How are they doing? How are they coping? Do they miss him? Do they understand? Of course everyone wonders, I wonder. This has all been a slippery slope, but they have been the one clear thing in this whole ordeal. In this world of we don't knows, and give it time, and wait and see, there is only one thing that has been crystal clear to me since the beginning. He loves his girls. H would often stop and ask him "Daddy do you love your girls?" and always he would stop and smile and say "Oh yes, I love my girls!". As I have watched our life tilt and swirl about me with uncertainty, they have been the one sure thing that I can focus on. I know without a doubt that he wants them to feel safe, stable, loved and grounded. I know that is his number one concern. I know that would be more important to him than even his own health. I know that I am entrusted to make that happen so he can get healthy. And that one sure thing, amidst a life of uncertainty, has been my saving grace. It goes beyond my own instincts as a mother. It is bigger than just myself. It is a knowledge and a feeling that actually fills me. It is the power of knowing that he is trusting me with his most precious thing. His love for those girls. It has been a difficult road to take. In the beginning some questioned my decision to put off telling them, or the way I told them, or even my choice to let them dictate whether or not they see him at all. I can only say, it is the only thing I have not wavered on. The only thing I have known for certain in my soul. But really I cannot take credit for it. It takes a village to pull a feat like that off. First I can only say that his love for them is such a palpable thing, that it was easy to be directed by it. Everytime a new decision has come up about them, I have known without hesitation the right thing to do, that has to come from him. Next I can say that everyone close to us has absolutely fallen into place at exactly the right times and embraced them. From T&D on the very first day, and their continued support. Their grandparents, aunts and uncles. K as always. A taking them swim lessons when I could not, C opening her home and pool, Kids Park giving them a place to go to play and everyone else who has been there and offered . It has given them a foundation that they feel firmly secure upon. We have not had clingy meltdowns, we have not had nightmares, or insecurities, not a single one. We speak openly about him. K complemented me on that today, and I can only say thank you to everyone who has made that possible for us. When he accepted his Officer of the Year award this year (his 3rd one) he quoted a favorite story. "When you see a turtle on a fencepost, you don't have to know how it got there to know that it had help" The happiness and stability of the girls is a direct result of that. When I told H those weeks ago, that our family was not simply four but instead very large, it has come to fruition. They see it, they feel it. I thank everyone who has helped pull that off. I know he rests easier because of it. That much I know is true.

Busy morning....quiet afternoon...

Today was another day into our new routine. He got up early and they took him to the gym for his physical therapy. He did his physical, occupational and speech therapies all from his fancy chair this morning. This is part of his new schedule. He did well today with physical but was not much interested in speech today. We had another new adventure...the shower! He had his first actual shower today and really seemed to like it. By the time therapy and the shower were done it was already early afternoon and the second he made it back to bed he started snoring. He slept so deeply and restfully. We had quite a few visitors today R came and got to experience some of his physical therapy, but mostly he kept me company. After he left K came and brought us a new CD. She had burned some new songs for him, the Rocky theme song and Eye of the Tiger to name a few. He had a definite response the first time he heard Eye of the Tiger, there is something about that song that just takes you back. I also video taped the girls today playing in the pool. I told them that I was going to take it to Daddy to show him, so they both put on the show and spoke directly to him, calling out "Daddy, Daddy, look at me!" as they were showing off the results of their ongoing swimming lessons. I got 15 minute of them speaking directly to him, and when I showed it to him, there was an emotional response. It is good to see those things. He slept or was quiet for the rest of the afternoon. The routine continues tomorrow and we are always excited to see what it will bring. K dropped her girls off to play with H&E when she came to the hospital. When I got back, they were so excited and talked all about their fun day in the pool with the big girls. They have been turning into quite the little water babies, just as he wanted. Despite it all they have had a good summer. This is largely due to the people around them who think up activities for them, include them in fun, and just spend time with them. It has made the transition so much more bearable. They do not fear, they go to sleep easily, they dance, they play, they eat ice cream and Popsicles, they have had fun being kids. Exactly what he wants them to do. This much I know is true......................................................(thank you K)

Good Days...

He has had a good week, which means we have had a good week. He has been very cooperative with his new therapy schedule. He has done so well getting up at the side of the bed that they have progressed him to a wheel chair, they help him into it and are getting him into a routine. He continues to hold his head up and move his legs. Today there was a little more movement in his right arm as well. I spoke at length today to his physical therapist, his care coordinator, his nurses, his speech therapist and his occupational therapist, and the overwhelming consensus is that he is progressing. They are pleased. They are encouraging. The really big news is that he had confirmed speech yesterday! I heard about it yesterday, but when you become used to analyzing some one's every finger twitch you tend to second guess everything. The story goes.... he was in his chair and his brother and mother were present with the speech therapists. They pointed to his mother and asked if he knew who she was and he said "mom", they were very excited and asked him if he knew who his brother was, he did not respond. They then pointed to his brother and said "Is this your brother" and he said "yeah". I know not big words, but they keep telling us "baby steps". They told me today that he "has the ball and is moving down the field in the right direction". I think that is all we can ask for right now. I know he is doing his best. He is working hard, trying to come back to us. We are encouraged, they are encouraging. Baby steps...

A little more about the Triathalon

I posted recently about our intention to do the Shasta Tinman Triathalon in his honor this September. There have been some questions and I wanted to clarify a couple of things. If you want to participate we would love to have you! You do not need to do the whole thing, you can be part of a relay team and only bike, run/walk/ or do the swim part. Kelly (contact info in previous post) is helping organize teams and can help put you together with others to fill out a relay team. If you do not want to compete we would still love to have you at base camp! We have 6 teams already and still counting! Thank you, and if you have any other questions please ask!

He drives me crazy...

Recently I wrote a post called "my confession". I had many people write to me thinking I was being down on myself, that was not my intention. I was trying to show that where I fail, he rises, where I have my weakest points, he has his strongest points. When I fall down, he picks me up. He balances me. That said, I did not think that I could go on any longer with out saying this...."He drives me crazy!" A long time friend of ours recently sent me this message "This Eric fella sounds like a tremendous person. I must have logged onto the wrong blog. My Eric loved to torture my cats, water ski on Lake Shasta in February, see how many oranges he could fit in his mouth at one time, eat a whole ball of wasbi...because he can, enjoys a good brandy, and soooo many other finer things in life. " It made me smile, because all those things are true of him also. He also has no sense of time. Cannot remember people's names. Tries to guess the names of actors in movies, almost always incorrectly. He avoids yard work like the plague. He cannot cook, not even BBQ. In 20 years he has cooked for me less than the fingers on one hand. One time it was boxed Mac & Cheese. He didn't follow the directions, just (over) boiled the noodles, and added water to the cheese until it made a horrible paste. He also thinks frozen vegetables, top ramen and ketchup makes an acceptable main course. On the reverse, he is always happy to be fed, has never once complained about my cooking. Is just happy that someone made him a meal and he did not have to do it himself. Because of that, dinner is always waiting for him. Even when I am gone, it is always ready. But I digress. He has a terrible habit of losing or breaking electronics. He is on his third blue tooth this year. He leaves his dirty socks on the back of the couch. He forgets to call when he is running late. He forgets to take out the garbage, his only household chore. He doesn't pay a bill or balance the checkbook, ever. He loves a good dare. He loves an adventure. Yes he drives me crazy, but he still is the best man I know. I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Join us....

K & C came to me with this idea. I thought it was a great one. We will set up a "Camp Eric" in the parking lot. I hope that you will consider joining us. "I" am even going to participate. I will do the run (walk) part of a relay team with the girls. Now that I have thrown my hat over the fence by mentioning it here, I can't back out, and I hope many of you will consider joining us. Thank you K & C for a great way to honor him!

As long-time family friends of Eric, we have chosen to celebrate and honor him in a way we think he will appreciate, a triathlon! Always up for a new challenge and adventure, Eric participated in multiple 5K runs and triathlons. As you can see from the pictures on this blog, Eric shared his love of the outdoors as well as that of a challenge with his daughters. He recently took them on a 5k run by pushing them along in a stroller. We would like to invite you to join us as we celebrate Eric’s adventurous spirit and his September birthday by participating in the Tinman Triathlon in Mount Shasta on Sunday, September 6, 2009. This is a fun, family event for novices and experienced alike.
We are organizing a group of interested triathlon participants. Don’t be put off by the challenge; many of us will be doing this for the first time! Groups will be of mixed experience, age and fitness levels. So, if you are interested in putting together a team, joining a team or competing solo, please contact Kelly Mora at (530)824-1111 or skmora@netzero.com. The triathlon consists of the following: Swim- 740 yards in Lake Siskiyou, Bike- 10 miles of paved roads, Run- 4.5 miles of gravel and paved roads. You can find event and registration information at the following link: http://www.dunsmuirrotary.org/Dunsmuir_Rotary/Tinman.htmlJoin Eric’s family and friends (Lesley, Hayley, and Emerson will be participating in the run!) as we share a day in his honor.

And the week begins again..

Here we are at the beginning of another week. It has now been one month. A full month already, and it has been excruciatingly long, and yet whirlwind fast. I spent the afternoon with him yesterday. Sunday is the only day of the week that he will not have PT. I took his clippers so I could cut his hair for him and shaved him as well. He always feels better after a haircut. We did some range of motion exercises, textures and smells. He was alert for a good portion of the afternoon, and we read about a quarter of our new book. We are now reading "To Kill the Messenger" by Tami Hoag. He watches my face when I read to him. He was propped with pillows facing towards me, and when BB came to visit, he would turn his head as if to see him on the other side of the bed. I asked BB to switch sides with me and see if he would watch him. We switched sides and he kept his eyes on BB the whole time. He seemed to be trying to talk to him, making sounds in his throat and using his mouth and tongue to make noises. We are encouraged by this. I hung up some more pictures for him in his room and drawings from the girls. I was recently recommended a book about a 37 year old brain doctor who had suffered a similar event and her road to recovery. I found it on Amazon and ordered it and 3 other books I found. I think that it would be nice to have more insight as to what is going on in his mind right now. It might be helpful for him if I read it to him as well. He will start his week getting back in his PT routine. They will continue to help him sit up at his bedside and hope to bring in a wheelchair this week so he can start having some longer periods of "up" time. It is good for his mind as well as his body to be up and change positions, have new stimulus. The beginning of the week brings us back to swimming lessons. We are getting ready right now. They have blossomed in the water, he will be so proud...

We came home on Friday afternoon, so we could have some quiet time at home. The girls had some great birthday party fun yesterday and we are headed back up for the afternoon today, coming back this evening so we can be ready for swimming lessons in the morning. A bit hectic but that will be our life for awhile. A friend made me laugh yesterday, reminding me of a funny story about him. He loves girl scout cookies. Any of them really but especially the Samoans. I was pregnant with E, and happened to see the girl scouts selling cookies outside of the grocery store. I had a massive craving for thin mint cookies. I bought 3 boxes of cookies, the Samoans, the thin mints and one other box. Being pregnant, I was very protective of my food cravings. I knew if he found my cookies he would eat them. I set out his Samoans on the counter and told him I bought them for him. I took the second box and put them in the cupboard with the other snacks (the decoy box) and my precious thin mints, I took the sleeves of cookies out of the box, and stuck them in the back of the freezer by the meat. I mean the man never cooks, why would he look in the freezer by the meat? Especially when I had left the other two boxes out. Sure enough, one of those crazy pregnant cravings came over me and I snuck into the kitchen to dig in the freezer for my stash. I couldn't find them anywhere. I dug and dug around, no cookies. I didn't want to draw attention to them if I didn't have to, but it became obvious that they were not there. I marched over to him, hands on my hips and demanded "did you eat my special thin mint girl scout cookies?" He looked at me puzzled and asked me what I was talking about. I told him the cookies in the freezer.....he smiled and said "oh you mean the brown ones?" "brown ones? Brown Ones? BROWN ONES? girls scout cookies that you can only get once a year, that your pregnant wife is CRAVING, had hidden in the back of the freezer and you ate them all???" After hearing that story, my friend found a case of them on Ebay and had them sent to me for mother's day. He knew exactly what they were, and what trouble he would be in if he ate my cookies. Instead he would go to the freezer in the evening, bring a sleeve of cookies over to me and just set it on the arm rest of the couch, and would flash me his gap tooth grin. He would never open the cookies or take one from the package. He would just sit next to me on the couch and wait for me to place cookies on his knee, those and only those he would eat. I would share my cookies any day...

We are so Humbled....

We are so humbled by the support that we have gotten. I know what an amazing person he is, and am so grateful everyday to receive the e-mails and messages from people telling me how he has touched their lives. Yesterday T sent me an e-mail with this flyer attached. All of these people, all of these agencies supporting him, supporting us. Thank you so much. He would of course be embarrassed, for all of the fuss, not wanting to put anyone out. Humbled.

P.S. This photo made me cry today. It was taken at the SO when he was told that he was receiving Officer of the Year this year (for the 3rd time). He was so very honored by the award. I miss that smile.

Their Brother's Keeper...

As I said before, all of his family has been there to support him. I also said that I would not be posting much about them to respect their privacy. I have to say this though. Anyone who knows him, knows that he is a friendly guy. A person who can talk to anyone, he can find something to talk to absolutely anyone about. He is the same in his family. He and his siblings are all very different, however he is the glue that holds them all together. He plans activities, directs conversations, tells jokes, and makes everyone feel comfortable. These days and weeks have been stressful on all of us, not having him to lighten our moods, and buffer our differences. We have all managed, falling into routines of sorts. Everyone is there doing what they can, trying to pass the days. What stands out the most to me from this time is MA and MB, and their selfless devotion. They have been his quiet sentinels, often taking the last night and wee morning shifts at the hospital, barely sleeping, talking to him, exercising him, just being there for him. Hours upon hours they have logged. Never a complaint, often thanking me for "letting" them be there. They have travelled the greatest distance, continue to travel that distance. They have adjusted their personal and professional lives so they could both be here in the beginning and now trade off so one is here weekly. They log hours and miles in the car, only to spend hours at his side. He would be so proud of them. So humbled by them. Selfless, quiet devotion, sacrifices, unending patience, love. They are truly their brother's keeper.

Just Breathe....

It is amazing how our minds and our hearts will reconcile events for us. In the midst of trying to understand what is going on in his mind, I find I am also on my own mental journey. I am exploring each day how I deal with things, how I process them and make sense of things. We are now knee deep in starting his physical therapy and learning about stimulation, and perception. They are getting him up to a sitting position and he is putting some weight on his legs as he sits. He continues to make sounds, vocal sounds they call them. They operate from the perspective that he is not asleep, but has lost the ability to perform certain functions including how to communicate. Their therapy involves "retraining" him how to do these things. He is making some progress. He clearly tried to form a word today. He lifted his right arm again, and continues to move his legs frequently. Baby steps they tell us. They continue to instruct us how to provide stimulation in intervals with rest/processing time in between. They explain how the mind works, and how the routine will benefit him, trigger things in his mind. These conversations, always on my mind, have caused me to think more of my own responses. To be more aware of the little things that I do each day. The things in my environment that I pick up on, things that are subtle and perhaps on a "normal" day, would filter right by me with out a second glance. I know that I am a person who often gets an odd song or phrase stuck in my head, and it will trail through there for days. I have noticed that my mind tends to pull up these things that give me comfort. Sometimes it is a movie title " while you were sleeping" that pops into my head. Other times it is a song, the other day it was the refrain from Greensleeves not a commonly thought of song, but my mind pulled the message out, or made the correlation of the message to my thoughts of the day. I was humming the song, long before I figured out why I was humming it and what significance it had. On the surface, the song itself has nothing to do with him or this situation, but my mind took it there. Gave me a little something to distract me. Today as I was driving over to see him, Faith Hill's Breathe came on the radio, and while I could not tell you a song that was on before or after, I can say that my brain immediately plucked a connection out and brought it to my consciousness. I started singing the song, thinking about him.

"I can feel the magic floating in the air Being with you gets me that way I watch the sunlight dance across your face And I've never been this swept away All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms The whole world just fades away The only thing I hear Is the beating of your heart CHORUS: Cause I can feel you breathe It's washing over me And suddenly I'm melting into you There's nothing left to prove Baby, all we need is just to be Caught up in the touch Slow and steady rush Baby, isn't that the way that Love's suppose to be I can feel you breathe "

My mind brought it to my attention. Made me stop and think, and breathe. Think about what I have today, not about what I miss from yesterday, or what is coming tomorrow. I think if my mind works for me in this crazy mixed up way, pulling odd things out to comfort me, to point me in a new direction, to keep me on my path, then I imagine that his is doing the same thing right now. We do not know what little thing will spark a memory, a thought or a feeling. We don't know what his brain is pulling together for him right now. I know from becoming more aware of my own consciousness, that it is a very deep well. A well with all kinds of important and not so important information swirling around inside of it. For now, I am going to trust that his brain is filtering that information like mine does, in a totally random and seemingly irrational process. Today I take my cues from the song my own mind chose to filter in for me. Today I just Breathe.

I came home from town one evening this past fall. I had groceries, and my mind was distracted. I loaded up my arms with bags and toted them into the house, preparing myself to be bombarded the second I hit the door. I came into the kitchen and unloaded my arms, and realized I had just walked the full length of the hallway without one child jumping out at me. I called out and no one came. I walked back down the hallway checking in the rooms to see if they were involved in some game, but all was quiet. I walked out onto the front deck and looked around. I could see the light on in the garage and walked confidently over calling out to them as I approached. They were not there. I thought I heard a little rumble of voices and started walking towards the barn, I did not see any movement or shadow, but again thought I heard the murmur of voices. It was dusk and I could not see where they might be. Again I thought I heard a giggle and a small rumble of voices. I took a small step forward and cocked my head trying place where it was coming from. All of a sudden..... one ....two ......three heads popped out of this giant pile of leaves and yelled "Surprise!" They had leaves clinging to their hair, their smiles huge and infectious. They had seen me pull up and he helped them hide in the leaves, telling them little tales to keep them entertained while they waited for just the right moment. He loves to make an entrance, to pick just the right moment. He has the patience to wait for it. Me? I am working on it. It is always worth the wait.....

We all settle in..

We are all settling into what will be a new routine for awhile. He continues to be resting well, and having positive alert times. He is starting his physical, occupational and speech therapies this week. They have an extensive program and encourage additional stimulus from us. We continue to read to him, to talk to him, and encourage him. Again if anyone has any cd's they think he would like, I would love to receive them. Especially if they are your own "mix cd's" or really anything you think he might enjoy.....comedy, music, books, your own recorded messages to him...anything is welcome. I decided to keep the girls home one more night before heading north again. They are feeling better, and little E is finally eating a little bit, but they need quiet rest time. We continue to have faith in him, and that he is in the best place for recovery.

A thank you to the DSA for setting up the benevolent fund for us. They brought me a check today, and continued offers of support of all kinds. I appreciate everyone who has contributed. Thank you so much. He would be so touched. We will use it to help with our gas and groceries as well as for some things to take to him. Thank you.

Stealing Cinderella.....

Yesterday for our anniversary I took him a new CD to listen to. All day my mind was on the girls and how much he adores them. When he first heard the song Stealing Cinderella by Chuck Wickes, he said it reminded him of H. From the beginning she has been a girly girl, a princess, a diva, a Daddy's Girl. For her 4th birthday he told me that he had heard that Princesses on Ice were going to be at Arco and he wanted to take her. I made her a "Belle" dress, and he told her he was going to "take her to the ball". She was enchanted, she was enchanting. He drove them to Sac for their special date, her in full Princess regalia, from the tiara on her head to the gold slippers on her feet. He looked all over town to find her a special necklace. A silver heart covered in little amethysts (her birthstone) and he placed it on her tiny neck and told her she would always have his heart. He then took her to the ball. He bought her every little thing her heart desired, an Ariel magic wand, a Princess snow cone, pictures with the princesses.....which he told me later cost more than the tickets themselves. He is that man, a believer in magic, giver of dreams, fufiller of fantasies... delicate guardian of a child's heart. He is a prince among men.

"I leaned in towards those pictures to get a better look at one
When I heard a voice behind me say "Now, ain't she something, son?"
I said "Yes, she quite a woman" and he just stared at me
Then I realized that in his eyes she would always be..

Playing Cinderella.....Riding her first bike, Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin Dancing with her dad, looking up at him In her eyes i'm Prince Charming But to him i'm just some fella riding in and stealing Cinderella"

Keep Calm and Carry On...

Keep calm and carry on.... a slogan from a British WWII poster. I have always liked the slogan, but these days it seems particularly fitting. Yesterday the girls were not feeling too well but seemed to be a little better in the afternoon. Last night their little fevers peaked and I ended up with 2 little furnaces in bed with me. I kept busy snuggling, wiping down little faces and foreheads, making water and potty runs until we finally all fell fitfully asleep in the early morning hours. Thankfully they have their father's constitution and after a slow morning they were able to break their fevers and feel a little more chipper. I left them with their grandparents and went to spend the afternoon of our anniversary with him. He was alert when I got there, and we spent some time reading, before he decided to sleep. He finally looks as though he is getting real rest, deep rest, and it is good to see. He continues to "run" in his sleep and be very ticklish on his feet. He has also started to make some verbal sounds, deep sighs, stretching his vocal chords. We were fortunate to spend some of our time today in the same company that we had, exactly 12 years ago. They (R&D) came to see us, and we had a good time going back those years. He starts his new therapy routine tomorrow, so after they left I shaved him and gave him a nice mustache trim. I decided to bring our little sickies home tonight, as I have some business to tend to tomorrow. We will head back up Tuesday after swimming lessons. Keeping Calm and Carrying on..

Sunday.......and new diggs.....

Everything went well with the move yesterday. He travelled by ambulance and I asked MA to ride with him so I could settle the girls in. After dropping them off with MB I went to see his new digs. He is in a nice large room with floor to ceiling windows. A view of the jackrabbits running through foliage. A quieter place than he was at before. They got him all settled in and he was very active all day. He did great for the trip, and adapted well to his new space. His legs have been moving alot, he has also shown a new consistent tickle response when I touch the bottoms of his feet. He has long periods of his eyes being open and he seems to continue to enjoy looking at pictures of his babies and their artwork the best. They were able to take him off of oxygen completely and he continues to hold his sat perfectly. It seems little by little his body continues to heal and surprise us. He also expressed a distinct dislike for the nurse brushing his teeth last night and frowned, furrowed his brow and clamped his lips. Right now he will have a very limited visitors list. Just family. We want to continue to respect his privacy while he is vulnerable. We continue to play his dispatch CD for him and a couple of others. He seems to like it and often his legs start moving as if giving chase. It is all movement. Where it all is going we don't know. As long as he keeps fighting, we all are just here for the ride. Today is our anniversary. Twelve years married Twenty years together. A lifetime, yet simply the blink of an eye.

I got the call....

I got the call this morning that he will be transferred to Redding at 11 am. This was mixed news for me this morning. Of course I am glad that he is able to move and stable. I am glad to know that he will be in a more stimulating and therapeutic environment. But the girls are sick. I was down for the count all day Thursday. Luckily has started my antibiotics on Wednesday night, and was able to shake most of it by yesterday. The girls danced around me as I lay on the couch, ever their captive audience. Yesterday afternoon I decided to go and see him, I took the girls to KP and went to the hospital, masked up and spent some time just watching him rest. A little later KP called and told me both girls were running a low fever. I raced off to pick them up and it seems I have passed whatever I picked up to them. They are both in good spirits, and H has told me that she knows that it was an accident that I gave them my germs and they are not mad at me. I bundled them up in my bed to watch as I packed up things for our pilgrimage north. H then out of the blue said "Mommy I saw Daddy last night." I stopped what I was doing and looked at her, and asked what she meant. She told me that Daddy tiptoed into her dream to tell her that he missed us and loves us and was sorry he was sleeping so long. She said he told her that he was so proud of her for being my big helper right now and gave her a kiss on the cheek. I looked at this amazing creature, and told her that I was proud of her too. That I was glad she left her dreams open for Daddy, I am sure it makes him happy to be able to talk to her. "And a little child shall lead them." I will follow her.

Hiking with the Kids..

Standby...

It seems that we were a little premature in our moving announcement. He could move later today but more likely Sunday or Monday. They need to have all of the doctors on board to move him, and the pulmonologist wanted to keep him a little longer since they just removed the traich.

I got sick yesterday. I am sure it was inevitable since I have been spending so much time at the hospital, but still it was frustrating. Chills, fever, throat, and coughing. I stayed home with the girls and let them hover around me, we watched cartoon movies and they brought me crackers and water. I feel much better today. Broke the fever last night, and have no voice, but I think the antibiotics kicked in.


I have decided to post some of your thoughts and memories here to keep everyone thinking about him. Of course I will leave out identifying markers to protect the innocent, and the guilty.

I really miss hearing the familiar “County eighty” on the radio and so wish Eric will just wake up and be the Eric we know and love. I was laughing my ass off over the garbage can story, it’s been a while since I heard that and I had forgotten. My favorite stories of Eric are when I would find him sleeping at the Chico sub station in the conference room because he worked a night shift and had court the next morning. He is the most dedicated Law Enforcement officer I’ve ever known.



On your blog you said something to the effect of that when Eric laughed, he lauged with his whole body. Recently, I sat on a jury for a case in which Eric had to testify. At one point, he was asked a question and did not speak directly into the mic. The judge told him that when he addressed the court, he needed to speak clearly into the mic. Eric listened to the judge and laughed. That laugh brought back many memories for me.

He is one of the most hardworking people I have ever met, and his extensive knowledge of random facts intrigued me as well as taught me something new everyday. He even taught me to shoot my first gun!



One funny story - I contacted him about a case last summer to get an update on the investigation and he apologized for "slacking off" on his cases while he worked overtime on the wildfires - we like to tease the officers and deputies, but obviously I couldn't give him a hard time after that!!! :)




Eric has left a stamp on my heart forever. I will always remember his boisterous smile and happy heart. His love for you and his love for his girls will get him through this.

Eric is truley a remarkable person and he means so much to me.

I got to see first hand how much he loves his job and how he was always very concerned about other people. He always made every person he spoke with, interviewed, interrogated feel like they were worthy of time of the Special Victim’s Unit and would get the best investigation into there case.

As Eric’s family I know you are very proud of him but know that he is loved by many and has touched a lot of lives not just at the Sheriff’s office but in the community and other agency. I am proud to call Eric my friend and I wish the best for Eric in health and recovery. He is in my thoughts and prayers daily. God bless Eric’s whole family for he loves you all deeply.

I wanted you to know there are a handful of officers that stand out over the thirty years that I have been doing this job...Eric is one of them. His humbleness, his intelligence and his genuine goodness make him a delight. We know that when Eric is on the case or on the witness stand he will have done his homework. He will know the case backwards and forwards and will be able to withstand the slings and arrows of cross-examination. And, the jury will absolutely love him with that smile and green eyes! They will trust him to tell the absolute truth, because that is the inherent nature of his being.

When your mind is full of indecision, try thinking with your heart.

There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.- -- Washington Irving

I remember when I first met Eric, I have to admit, was a little intimidated by his presence. The handle-bar-moustache, the gun, the “Chevy” (all of which, by the way, are now officially known as “Eric Christopher Cars” – he really, really likes those cars)… However, I soon realized that his personality was nothing less than humble, helpful, and sincere. Eric is always willing to take the time to help anyone who needes it. When I was interning for Eric, he never grew irritated with my never-ending strings of questions. He was always patient, and always willing to teach… Thinking back, the only bit of wisdom Eric imparted on me, that I would not live by, was his recipe for Margaritas in his younger days… (Mountain Dew and Tequila!). And even now, when I call about a sensitive and / or complicated case, I am always relieved to hear Eric pick up the phone. As I am sure everyone who has met Eric knows, he does not just “talk the talk”, he is the epitome of “walking the walk.”

It is a wonderful thing to be married to someone so well thought of. It brings me great comfort every day. It helps keep him close to us right now. Thank you.

Clarity...

Many people wonder how you can have clarity in moments like these. I can only think of one way. A life well lived. I do not have the baggage associated with guilt and regrets. The last day I spent with my husband was father's day. We let him sleep in and the girls made him eggs fro breakfast. They went and got him up and brought him to the table, handmade cards and crown by his plate. After breakfast we spent time in the yard, playing with the girls, making plans and dreaming dreams. We had a picnic in the yard, and then "put daddy down for a nap" while the girls and I made plans for dinner. The last meal we prepared for him was his favorite meal. BBQ ribs, pesto spagettini, corn on the cob and homemade brownies for dessert. We had a wonderful family day. He knew that he was loved and appreciated. When I go through these days, I am comfoted by the knowledge that we did not have harsh words, the last thing I told him was "I love you", He was celebrated, loved on by his children, no matter what else has gone through my head, I know that we did not leave that unsaid. He knows he is loved. He knows we adore him. That gives me clarity in these moments. I do not have to waste time wishing our last words were better ones, or that I had hugged him one more time. I did. We did. We are good. We can concentrate on the healing and not the regrets. We can focus on our future instead of rehashing our past. We are in the best possible position for the future, whatever it brings. A life well lived. I have that.

My Confession...

He is a better man than I, well I know I am not a man, but he is a better person than I am. He is a better parent, he has endless patience, loves everything about it. He has never complained about changing a diaper, getting up in the middle of the night, and is the first one to want to run them to the emergency for a scratch. He is a nurturer, a protector, a soft place to land. He has tea parties, lets them pick out their own outfits and accessories, even was practicing how to put in pony tails. He comes home from a 12 hour day to take them for a walk or to the school to ride their scooters. I get caught up in the day, I lose my patience, I wish for time alone, I want their clothes to match. He is a better driver. (I will delete this when he wakes up) He is more patient with other drivers. I have a small road rage problem. He makes friends everywhere, I do not make friends easily. He is outgoing and gregarious, I am quiet and hard to know. He will take the shirt off of his back for anyone. He is kind and forgiving. I hold grudges. He is a better person than I am. He is my other half, my better half.

On the Move....

Today is a day of change. They took the traich out today and put a plug in it's place. This way they still can use it if they need to but it gives him the opportunity to do things on his own. So far so good. He seems to be much more comfortable with the removal of the ng tube yesterday and now this. His body is stablizing itself. It is healing. We found out today that he will make his big move tomorrow. He is going to a rehab hospital in Redding for now. His family lives near so we will still have a base from which to operate. We are happy for him to have some time to rest and heal, and to be in a more theraputic facility. We keep saying it is in his hands and we will follow his lead. He is telling us right now that his body is strong, the rest we just have to have faith will follow. Anyone who knows him, knows you can always count on him. He hasn't let me down yet...

He Wears Many Hats..

We know how much he means to us. Every day we struggle to make the hole not seem so endless. Holding together the seams of our life by the tattered threads that we have left to grasp onto. We know what it feels like to miss him. The husband, the father, the partner, the friend, the son, the brother, we know how that feels. I am however amazed everyday by the messages that I receive telling me about how much he has touched their lives, how much he is missed. I posted yesterday about "Eric Stories", everyone's got one. This morning I opened my e-mail to find these photos. I know that he volunteers every year to be Santa for the Sheriff's Dept. Christmas bike give away. I know it, I even made the suit for him, but I had never seen a photo until this morning. He wears many hats, is many things to many people. I miss him.

A Very Proud Daddy

Just a few things for today...

We had a quiet morning at home today, then took H for her swimming lesson. After lessons I took them to Kids Park for some play time while I visited him at the hospital. This morning they took his NG tube out of his nose (feeding tube) and put one in his stomach instead. This will make it so much more comfortable for him, and he already looks more relaxed. In order to do this they had to sedate him again, so he slept all afternoon. I let him sleep quietly, as it was good to watch him looking so relaxed. Later this afternoon he became alert and opened his eyes to look at me. It is always so good to see those familiar eyes. I showed him the girls picture again and he stares at it for long periods of time. They told us today that his breathing is doing so well that they will be able to take the traich. out soon, that was good news for the day. I visited with him and whispered in his ear, all the things his babies were doing today. The silly little things that he gets so much pleasure from, H's insistence on wearing all purple, E's pouty face when her sister tries to railroad her into something, their giggles and spats, just the little things. I can see in his face that he likes it when I talk of them, of our life at home, and I remind him of all the things he is missing while he rests.
People are always wanting to help, and I do appreciate it. Really there is nothing that we need right now. "The Girls" from dispatch brought me a CD yesterday of his radio time, things and voices he would be familiar with. I bought him a portable player yesterday and have been playing it for him. If you have been reading my updates then you also know that we play videos of the girls and our life for him. Truthfully his life is very big and he loves so many things. If you can think of music, sounds, voices, people talking to him, sounds of things he enjoys doing, funny clips etc. that would be familiar to him or something that he would enjoy, I would be happy to receive any burned CD's to play for him.
Some of you are wanting to drop me a note or a thought, and I am happy to read them. I have listed the e-mail address to the right on this blog.... buttecounty80@gmail.com I cannot always respond to all of them, but I appreciate them. I also will be taking my computer with me to see him, and I will read him your messages.
One last thing for today. Anyone that knows him has an "Eric Story", we would love to hear them right now, would love to read them to him, and share them with everyone so that we may all keep our thoughts positive right now. If you have something you would like to share, please e-mail it to me and with your permission I will copy it over here so we can continue to laugh with him as we continue on this journey. One of the favorites that I hear about often is the infamous garbage can story. Yes it is true. We were on our way down the hill to D&T's for dinner. We got into his big ol' truck and started down the hill. As we were driving down, I noticed that quite a few people were waving to him. He is a very friendly guy, and at first I did not think too much about it. After about the 3rd time, I asked him how he knew all these people. He shrugged and smiled. We got all the way from our house to the light at East Ave and Cohasset. We were in the left turn lane and as we were making the turn, I saw another person out of the corner of my eye waving to us. I was starting to think that something was odd, when he pulled into the driveway of the autoparts store. As we entered the driveway, we heard a big crash and then the sound of something dragging. He looked at me with a worried expression and said "I think something just fell off the undercarriage of the truck" he put it in park and got out to go to the back of the truck. I turned in the seat and was looking through the rear window watching his face. He first looked concerned and apprehensive when he was walking to to the rear of the truck. Then I saw relief and humor wash over his face right before he bent down. He stood back up and hoisted our garbage can into the bed of the truck. The can had ridden all the way down the hill on it's wheels, wearing off all of the rubber down to the hard plastic centers and still it had stayed upright until we turned into that driveway. Over 15 miles towing a garbage can. Yup it is all true.

Still Riding the Rollercoaster...

This morning was E's first solo swimming lesson, since she turned 3 yesterday. She has been wanting to go in the pool since she first saw H in her class. Of course this morning she decided she did not want to go. That is her nature. I convinced her that we would just go and watch. Once we got there the instructor was able to lure her in, and she had a great time. Of course the entire time I was watching her, I was thinking about how much her dad was looking forward to this first lesson, how much he wanted to watch her. That put me in a bit of a meloncholy mood, and as I was driving through town to meet K for lunch, I noticed every landmark, every store we have shopped in, and every restaurant we have eaten in over the last 20 years. We met 4 days after I moved to Chico. We were 18. Every memory of my adult life involves him, every memory of my life life in Chico includes him. I had a hard time at lunch today, all of the thoughts circling in my head. After lunch (yes R, I am eating) I went to the hospital to spend some time with him. I read to him from our book, but I think we were both a little tired today. I got out the picture of the girls and held it for him, and we just looked at it, and I told him all about E's lesson today. I got a little half smile. Later I gave him a shave, and we had some visitors. His cousin was in the room talking about some of their childhood exploits, when he lifted his right arm off of the bed about 8 inches, seemingly in some kind of gesture. That was new. He has not done that yet. Later, I was relaying this to K, and how this roller coaster just seems to keep going and going, up and down.. She said " well at least the ride is still moving". Yes that is right. They say that life is all about the ride. It is not the beginning or the end, but the journey.

July 5.........Emerson's 3rd Birthday.

Today was our baby's 3rd birthday. She didn't know, but I did. How fortuitous that we celebrated with her 3 weeks ago because her Aunties were down for a visit. She had her Dora the Explorer birthday party and her Daddy was there singing Happy Birthday to his baby. Today, I am grateful for that. Grateful that she had a day to celebrate, to be carefree and joyous. Grateful that he also had that day with her. I spent the morning today at home with the girls, quiet normal time. They had their morning "soup" (maple and brown sugar oatmeal, they eat it every morning) and played with new games. They dressed up in their favorite purple dresses and blew bubbles on the deck. I went to the hospital this afternoon. His mother was reading jokes to him when I got there, then she left to give us some time alone. I brought drawings from his daughters, and a picture of them laughing. He opened his eyes and seemed to study the drawings and the picture for a very long time. I told him it was our baby's 3rd birthday today, I sang "happy birthday" for him whispered to him the story of H's birth, as she likes to hear it " Once upon a time, Mommy and Daddy fell in love and got married at a beautiful ball.....they were very happy and had many adventures. They flew in airplanes and helicopters, swam in the ocean and lakes, and travelled on a big ship in the sea. One thing was missing....a baby! One day Mommy told Daddy that they were going to have a baby, and they were so excited! They watched and watched as Mommy's tummy got bigger, and bigger and BIGGER until it was time to go to the hospital. When they got to the hospital, Daddy put on his special doctors clothes (scrubs) and out POPPED baby H. and Daddy caught her! He wrapped her up in a special blanket and put a tiny hat on her head. He was so excited and so proud he took her out to meet everyone!" When I was reciting this familiar tale, the corner of his mouth lifted as if a smile. That was a good thing today, but bittersweet.

More questions for me...

There are always so many questions, many about him, many about the girls and many about me. I think it is time again to address a few I am being asked frequently. How are you really holding up? I think about as well as could be expected. I think if it was our destiny for something like this to happen, the last 20 years of living with him, his job, his personality, his adventures, his dogged determination, and his full paced life, has prepared me as much as it is possible to prepare for such things. How are the girls? They really are doing well. There are some small questions but nothing profound as of yet. I am waiting for them to come to them on their own time. I feel better being able to tell them that I am going to see Daddy at the hospital, rather than being evasive or distracting them. How is his family holding up? Are they there with you? Yes they are here, we all take turns at the hospital with T and K, and he has really never been alone since this started. I chose not to talk of them here, as I do not wish to violate their privacy. We all handle things differently and I fully understand that not everyone would wish for their pain to posted on a public forum. They are here. They are all doing their best, we all are. We all have different strengths and we need them all right now. I might mention them from time to time in a general way, but I will not post about their daily interactions to keep their privacy. Can we do anything for you right now, ANYTHING? Really no. Honestly no. What is there to do? Nothing really. Just waiting. Praying, hoping, sending all your positive thoughts and energy, that is what we need right now. Are you sure we can't make you a meal? Thank you no. I am still feeding the girls, I promise. But they are toddlers, feeding them is easy and non labor intensive, plain noodles, fresh veggies and fruit, not big preparations here. Gotta love Trader Joes! They even have presliced apples! I think they are quite relieved to have their familiar favorites instead of some new recipe I am trying out. So no we really do not need food right now. Family rotates through here but we really are not here having meals. Do you need childcare? No, thank you to all that have offered. I have some wonderful people, K and T that the children are close to, as well as the family, so they always have someone and something familiar around them. Kids Park is also a wonderful place, with very caring people, that my children are very familiar with and they have been helping us out. So really, it is good. I hope that sets your minds at ease. I know is frustrating, the waiting, the wanting to do something and feeling futile. K and I spoke of it this morning. We have known each other for most of our lives now, and she says my strength is getting through. Bucking up and plowing ahead. Hers is the same. In the middle of chaos, she can see the calm. She knows which direction to head. I look to her for that. She knows that patience has never been a concept I am comfortable with. If there is a lesson in this all, something that he is teaching me right now, it is patience. However this road turns out, whatever path we follow on our journey to get there, patience is the key. I am learning put patience over desperation right now, while we wait for him to wake. Patience eases the churning in my stomach, helps me to accept that I cannot control it. I don't like it, but I am accepting of it. I will need that patience for our girls over the next days and months. I am grateful to him for bringing me to it. Today we will read more of our book. We blew through almost 200 pages yesterday. It does go much faster, when he does not interrupt me to tell me why the police would never do this, or why the gun they describe is not the model they suggest, or how such CSI testing is not even possible. I am sure he is saving them up though, waiting for the right opportunity.......patience.

The Fourth of July

Today is the Fourth of July......Independence Day. We had plans for today, for this whole weekend. We were going to Shasta, to visit our good friends. To watch the fireworks, to watch the children run wild, eat BBQ and watermelon, and laugh with our friends. Today will not be that day. I am getting ready to go to the hospital, we are going to start a new book today. Maybe he will find this one more interesting than the last. The girls are going to have some of that day though. They will go with K to see the fireworks and play in the sun. I think I will join them later for the evening.

We finished our book today...

We finished our book today. I think he liked it, I hope he did. I will have to look on the book shelf and pick out a new one for tomorrow. They moved him from ICU today, out to the main floor. His body remains strong and stable, but still he sleeps. He continues to have pain reflexes and something new today. He has started to turn his head from side to side or move his arms and legs. Not like he is going to sit up any minute, more like he is restless in his sleep. It is something new and new is good, it is progress, progression, movement. Only he knows what it means, but perhaps he is growing restless with his lethargy. He will be getting an MRI soon, perhaps it will tell us something, or nothing. The girls had a wonderful day. They spent all day in the pool with people who love them. They had a good dinner and ice cream sandwiches for dessert. A good summer day. After I left him for the evening, I went to join them for a little while. I watched our girls play and splash and toodle about, and knew that was exactly where he would want them to be. I think alot about that every day. Where he would want them to be, what he would want them to be doing.

Two weeks ago when I sat in this chair and looked around my house, I saw the unfinished projects, the leaves that needed raking, and the trim that I never quite finished painting. Today I look around my house and I see an entirely different picture. I see the wood floors that he laid one board at a time with old fashioned square nails, I see the fruit trees he planted this past winter, I see the garden he built for his daughters full and lush with promise. I see the redwood trees in the front yard, he planted a few years ago, now tripled in size. I can see down the hill out back where he cleared the brush. I see all the bicycles, and teeter totter he put together for our girls to play on. The wood stove in the living room he brought home and installed all himself. The dining room he made by tearing down the walls of an old bedroom. I see the patio in the back yard that we poured together last summer. The ladder leaning up against the cherry tree in the back yard, the bucket on the ground, abandoned from our cherry picking after noon just two weeks ago. The rock wall he was building, a glove perched on the handle of the shovel, like it is waving at me. I see the shelves in the hall that hold pictures of the precious moments of our lives. Those are all good things today. Signs of his love for us. The house he made into a home for his family, to surround us, protect us and keep us. His Family. I am getting ready to go to the hospital, maybe we will finish our book today. The girls are excited to spend the day with MA and K, swimming in the summer sun. We had a good morning, a quiet morning. The girls slept until almost 9am, unheard of for my little 7am wonder. I will spend the day in the best company I can keep, with my husband, my best friend.

More of the same...

Today was not a day of big revelations. Today was more of the same. We had our meeting today, but there was no new information. Just more of the same. We know that they will move him soon and we have to decide where. Unfortunately it will not be in Chico. There is not a facility here that meets his needs. We have some choices, and we will investigate them to find the best place for his condition. His body is stable. We hope that when he is in a different enviornment, he will have more chances for improvement. We are hopeful. He still sleeps. Time. The girls continue to be amazing. It is evident from their resilience that he has taught them well. H stopped in the middle of the day and looked up at me with those oh so familiar green eyes, and said "mommy, why is daddy drinking his milkshake with a straw in his nose, again?" "because he is sleeping, can you eat with your mouth when you are sleeping?" "Oh yeah, no I can't.....ok" then off she goes dancing and singing a little song about the colors in the rainbow. E has been just as good, focusing more on the family that is around us than on missing him. Today we read more of our book, we are 3/4 through now, it is a mystery/crime novel, just the kind he likes. We will read some more tomorrow. Sometimes I stop and glance at him, only to find those green eyes resting on mine, and my heart stops for a moment. I take advantage of those times, to smile up at him, and just sit for a few minutes, enjoying the connection, the feeling of completeness that washes over me for a few minutes more. No matter what happens, some people never get that. Today I am grateful for that. And grateful for the father he is, that has raised these wonderful kids. His never ending patience is evident in their actions now, they are living, breathing examples of him. I continue to sit with him, to love him, to have patience..

Strength and wisdom..

I still hear daily about my strength. I still think daily that I have you all fooled. I do not feel that I am doing anything any differently than anyone else would do.I am scared, terrified even. The center of our universe has been plucked from our daily lives,and the silence is deafening. I hear that I am strong, and sometimes I feel bent over by the weight of that statement. I only continue to rise up and continue on each day not by my own strength, but by the strength of the man in that bed. I get up each morning, and I think what he would want for our children today. I try to keep the expectations realistic, and I use this forum to organize my thoughts and clear my head. I discussed this with K of course, for who has known me longer than she? Not many. She said this is always my way. Just the way I think things out. Work them out in my head. She also has known Eric as long as I have. She said that is why he loves me. Why we work. I have not really thought much about why we work, just that we always have. It is funny what makes us work, what comforts us, what helps us cope. I do not see what I have has as any great strength, just a way to make sense of the day. If I get through this day and my children smiled instead of cried......then it was a good day. If my children laugh instead of mourn, then I have done right by them. I have done what he would want me to do. He will expect it, and I will give him no less.

Evening Reflections...

Today was a day that was much the same. He did feel pain in his hands today as well as in his feet. That is something. That is everything. Right now. He is opening his eyes more and more, and seems to be looking and some listening, but it is hard to tell. He sometimes seems to smile or smirk, but again it is hard to tell, and you are analyzing the smallest details. Today they did some new testing, so we could not see him for several hours. K convinced me to take the girls to the movies with her. We saw the Ice Age movie. When the first scenes started (the mamouths ar preparing for a baby and talking about becoming a dad) my heart dropped into my stomach, and my eyes darted to my children to see how they would respond. They were more interested in their popcorn than making comparisons to their own lives. They are amazing. As soon as the movie was over I rushed over to see him. He opened his eyes and seemed to watch me as I stroked his head. The neurologist came in to discuss the findings on the tests with B and myself. It is not bad, but it is not good. It is not definate, predictable, certain, probable, likely or know. In a nutshell we really know no more from the tests than we did before. We keep hearing the same thing, It is all up to him. B reminded me today of the progress he has made. Overcoming the lung infection in 3 days instead of the predicted 3 weeks. The small movement he is making. The pain indicators in both his feet and now his hands. Those are all small things, but they are things. They are the things that we hold onto. Now that his body has stabilized, the next question will be when to move him. It will probably be to the rehab hospital, we will discuss that with the doctors tomorrow. My suitcase is still packed for Hawaii. The girls spent the rest of the day with K, and had a wonderful time. As I reminded them yesterday, our family is not small, we are not just four, but many. That is what keeps us all going. Those beautiful distractions, enjoying a sweet summer day, with people that love them. That is what their dad would want them to be doing. That is the one thing I know to be true.

morning

It is morning again, the days just keep cycling back around. Everything remains the same. Status quo. No more questions from H before bed or this morning, but I am sure they will come. The girls are happily getting ready for an outing with K this morning. They are going to the movies and are thrilled. We had our first night alone last night, and it was quiet. Not bad quiet, not good quiet, just quiet. More tests finally this week, although we have been told that even with them, we probably will not know much more or less than we do now. His body remains strong, still resting. I will spend the day with him. MB spent all night there again and she also needs rest. I think today we will read some more, maybe even finish our book. I have some new smells for him. Some branches of pine from home, and a splash of the girls shampoo. Hopefully they will be comforting smells, things he wants to wake up and return to.