Anniversary.

That word is usually preceded by the word happy, which in this case does not apply. There is nothing to celebrate this anniversary, no congratulations to be handed out. It is more a day of reflection. It has been a year. A full year. That is more than a quarter of my youngest daughter's entire life. I think psychologically I have been preparing for this day for the last few weeks. I recently attended a memorial service for a friend and it seemed that tears were constantly brimming. I was sad for her, I was sad for the family, my friends. I was also just sad. Sad that these things keep happening. Wondering how much people can endure. In the course of this one year, I have lost my grandfather, an uncle, two friends, and my concious husband. That is more loss in one year than I have seen in the last decade. I am tired, exhausted really. Today was a day I felt the weight of it all. I remember with such vivid detail, the phone call I recieved one year ago this morning. I remember packing up the girls and heading down the hill, not having any idea the journey that I was about to embark on. I certainly would have never envisioned being here. The girls had no idea that today was any different than any other. We stayed home. The first full day home in awhile. I cleaned and sorted, often my thoughts a million miles away. I did hair, buttoned dresses, tied bows and buckled shoes, but my mind was on that fork in the road, and the path that was chosen for us. I spoke to only a couple of people, most probably not remembering the significance of the day. It was quiet. I was quiet. And when the girls were finally asleep. I cried. I am crying still as I write this and finally give form to the thoughts that have been tumbling through my mind all day. It is as if the emotion has been compressed tightly in a ball, and has suddenly exploded, almost bursting from my skin. It is almost tangible. Certainly painful. It is the anniversary.

Today is Father's Day....

Today is Father's day and I will spend it in the same way that I did Mother's Day. Alone at my husband's bedside. The bulletin board on the wall covered with pictures of our babies, their artwork and handmade cards for their dad. Another day of childhood celebration that we gloss over, so the pain will not be so great. Another distraction so the loss will not be felt so deeply. I don't know when that part will get easier. I look into his familiar eyes, and they are so the same, so him, that part of me wants to shake him and yell "say something dammit!" When I touch his forehead or shave his jaw, and he furrows his brow or tightens his lips as I shave around them, I wonder how much harder it can be to blink or nod when I ask him to. I don't know. They started his drug therapy with the first cognition increasing medication and have been slowly increasing the dose. They added another activating drug to the list, and tried it for a few days but it seemed to have the opposite effect and it zonked him out. Yesterday the added a different one to his mix and hope within a few days they will know if it is helping. I notice today he has been more vocal. Not upset, but just making sounds and noises. Of course I hope it is him trying to say something, but I cannot know for certain. I also do not like to analyse anything that he does or says. I leave that to the professionals. It is just too exhausting, trying to make sense of every sound and movement. He has been awake for long and longer periods of time. Seemingly just watching the world go by. I do not know what he sees or what he understands. If these are signs of the medication, or if it is coincidence but time will tell. We continue to hope for the best. To believe that he wants it as much as we do and that if there is a way, he is actively looking for it. We will continue to try to shine the light for him, and hope that he sees it through the fog.

Overwelming...

I went to the post office today to pick up the mail I had help while we were gone. They brought me a big plastic mail tub, and offered to let me take it to my car because they did not think I could carry it all myself. Yeah that much. Of course there is always alot of garbage and this time of year even more so with the campaign fliers, air conditioning companies trying to drum up business and the regular junk mail. Then there are the bills, all the usual ones, then a whole stack for just his medical care, various correspondence from 3 different attorneys, a notice from the dmv telling me I need a smog for my diesel truck (really? I have to go in and deal with their mistakes now on top of everything else). Of course the magazines, mostly his. And lastly the two pieces of mail that are actually enjoyable. So I lug that box home and sort through it, culling the junk from the pile and making sub categories for all of the rest. Of course while I am doing this I look out the window and see the weeds that have not only sprouted but multiplied since I have been gone. Those rains right before we left, and the sun while we were gone gave them the perfect conditions. I have the mountain of laundry that I emptied from our suitcases. 24 messages on the answering machine. Grocery shopping, the usual household chores,and house projects in progress. I made progress. I did half the laundry, changed all the beds, cleaned and sorted the girls room, opened and sorted all of the mail, listened to all the messages, wrote out the bills, went to the post office, went grocery shopping, filled 1/3 of my orders and made my list for tomorrow. And I am tired. I got a random message letting me know that WC was going to go over and see him today. Barely into his drug therapy and they want to go over and observe. To make sure we are not wasting their money I am sure. Funny, when he was stuck in Redding all those months they did not seem nearly as concerned about wasting his time...

Endings and Beginnings...

We just ended H's first year of school. Kindergarten. He missed it all. The whole year. Milestones. Something we will never get back. E started preschool and has one more year before she can start kindergarten. That's it, our last shot at it. Oh I know life is full of firsts but I never thought I would be facing them all alone. Of course while the school year was winding down, ballet was winding up for their big performance of the year. This was my first year with a child in school, so when I saw that the performance was the day after school got out, I did not think too much about it. When the flier went out asking for volunteers to help with make up, costumes, etc, I did not think too much about it. I spent my time out in the ballet "sweatshop" making tutus, sewing, gluing etc. When I got the rehearsal schedule, I thought I would figure a way to juggle it all. We had graduation, bridging ceremony, practice, rehearsal, swimming lessons, regular class, a field trip, and I managed to keep juggling. S came up to help me the last few days, and I could not have made it over the finish line without her. things got a little hairy at dress rehearsal, it was way over time, the communication was not good, I was trying to entertain a flock of 6 year olds in full costume, and a very well meaning, stressed out individual decided to speak to me in a less than respectful manner in front of the children, about a matter that could have been simply resolved. Not really a good idea. Not after my week. I never raised my voice, but I know my point was made. The actual performance went off swimmingly. H was thrilled to once again be on the stage. As a matter of fact she has been actively producing her own shows for some time, the last one in my living room, where she cast herself as director, producer and star (snow white), and she cast her sister as the prince, all seven dwarves and the forest animals. She is quite something. She loves her time on the stage and does not seem to have any fear of it, wonder where she gets that? After the performance we left right for the airport. We flew down to San Diego to spend a week with A&M, it was baby A's first birthday, and they held the party until we could join them. It was lovely and that little girl is devine. The girls adore her, and have made up their own song about her. We spent time at the beach, the park, shopping, the boardwalk, and just hanging out. It was good to see them all. We flew in and S met me at the airport so she could take the girls and I could come directly over and spend time with him. And here I be. Our school year ended, and the summer begins. His drug therapy has begun. The time of inactivity has ended. It is they cycle of life, endings and beginnings. We do not always know when we open a door where it will take us. If it will lead to a brick wall or open to beautiful possibility. We hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Endings and Beginnings...

Drugs!!

Whoever thought I would be thankful and relieved to say my husband was on drugs. But I am. He has finally started the long awaited drug therapy. They are starting off slowly with one drug for improving cognition, and will monitor his progress. After that they will switch it up and try something new. They will rotate about every week or so for the next few weeks and see how it goes and if he has any greater response to a particular drug or drug type and then we will have it. It being our evaluation. It will go one of two ways. He will show some changes or responses, or he won't. If he does, they will come up with a further plan. He will stay in Kentfield as long as they think necessary, then the will transfer him to a step down facility where he will continue with his drug and physical therapy. If he does not show response or improvement, they will also let us know. The decisions from there will be hard ones. Any of the decisions will be hard ones. It has to be better than living in limbo. It is so incredibly hard to believe that it will be one year this month. A whole year, and the pain is still there. Still sharp. There are more days in between the really agonizing ones, but the pain is still there. A year and he is just now being evaluated. A year, and he is just now getting drug therapy for the first time. Amazing. discusting, and reprehensible. But for now, we've got DRUGS!