Today is Father's Day....

Today is Father's day and I will spend it in the same way that I did Mother's Day. Alone at my husband's bedside. The bulletin board on the wall covered with pictures of our babies, their artwork and handmade cards for their dad. Another day of childhood celebration that we gloss over, so the pain will not be so great. Another distraction so the loss will not be felt so deeply. I don't know when that part will get easier. I look into his familiar eyes, and they are so the same, so him, that part of me wants to shake him and yell "say something dammit!" When I touch his forehead or shave his jaw, and he furrows his brow or tightens his lips as I shave around them, I wonder how much harder it can be to blink or nod when I ask him to. I don't know. They started his drug therapy with the first cognition increasing medication and have been slowly increasing the dose. They added another activating drug to the list, and tried it for a few days but it seemed to have the opposite effect and it zonked him out. Yesterday the added a different one to his mix and hope within a few days they will know if it is helping. I notice today he has been more vocal. Not upset, but just making sounds and noises. Of course I hope it is him trying to say something, but I cannot know for certain. I also do not like to analyse anything that he does or says. I leave that to the professionals. It is just too exhausting, trying to make sense of every sound and movement. He has been awake for long and longer periods of time. Seemingly just watching the world go by. I do not know what he sees or what he understands. If these are signs of the medication, or if it is coincidence but time will tell. We continue to hope for the best. To believe that he wants it as much as we do and that if there is a way, he is actively looking for it. We will continue to try to shine the light for him, and hope that he sees it through the fog.