Balancing Act...

I am standing on the precipice of my life. My arms are outstretched wide for balance, my toes are curled over the edge, trying to hang on. I can feel the winds of my past circling behind me and the abyss of the future in the darkness below. I do not know if I can catch myself before falling. I only know that I am trying. I am trying to keep all of my balls in the air. I am trying not to slide over the edge. As I stand there, I can feel the storm pushing against me. I can see things edge past me and fall over the edge. Our dreams, our plans, our future, our security, our children's innocense. I am powerless to stop them, as one by one they slip away. I try to think only of today, or as far ahead as the end of the week, but no further. When I think too far in advance, I can feel the panic rising. I feel the pain, the sorrow, the grief and the reality start to overtake me. I push them back and try to stay focused, to stay balanced.I am not planning vacations or holidays, cannot fathom these things. So many people love him, miss him, and share in our grief. They only understand so much. Even those closest to us cannot grasp the depth. They try, they feel the loss, the sorrow, but there are places that I have been that they cannot travel. He is not a part of our life, he is the center of our life. He is what balances us, makes us whole. I sleep in the bed with the indent of his head still on the pillow next to me. His clothes hang next to mine in the closet. His pictures and awards hang in the hall. His hockey bag lies next to the back door. His garage is filled with his tools and carefully labeled boxes. His boats and kayaks and tractor all in the yard, gently being covered with leaves. His vitamins are lined up on top of the fridge. He is my partner, my husband, my spouse and we have been together for 20 years this month. Everything that he loves resides in this house. I see it all everyday, live with it everyday. I also have to take care of the banking, the finances, the children, the house, the cars, the yard, the dishes, the laundry, the cooking the cleaning, the transporting of children, the stories, the homework, the night time rituals, unloading the car, preparing for the next day, school activities, after school activities, all on my own. The children are 3 & 5 young enough to still be needy, and not old enough to understand why my time and attention cannot stretch everywhere at once. They do not understand the driving is exhausting. I spend all week with them, and all weekend with him. We come home in time for a bath before bed and head into our next week first thing in the morning. I field calls from the hosptial, the insurance, and the attorney. It is the reality. It can be no different. I understand that. There is a price to paid however. It means that my feelings and emotions are on the surface of my skin. It becomes almost physically painful to feel the emotions of other push against it. And when those emotions are their own pain and fears it becomes almost unbearable in my skin. I cannot bear the responsibility for those feelings. I am responsible for my children, to see them through this as unscathed as they can be. I already feel my guts twist when I see another child call out "daddy" and run to her father, and I see H, her head snap around at the sound, her eyes quietly watchful. I feel her loss, their loss, his loss. I carry it around with my own. It is grueling, it is exhausting, and I stand at the edge trying to balance.

A hard days night..

"It's been a hard day's night, and I've been workin' like a dog." I don't know why that song is stuck in my head, but it is. For the last few days I have found myself singing it in my head. Probably just life catching up with me, and the way my addled brain deals with it. Nothing remarkable has happened in either direction. Just still plugging along. He had a couple of good days in physical therapy last week. The last few days he has done alot more sleeping. They have changed some of his medications again, we hope he is more alert next week. He looks great. He really does. He seems more relaxed. He has not chosen to speak to me but I have heard from others that he has had some more word responses. This is all good. We read some more today, I think we are on our 7th book now since this adventure began. I decided to change things up a bit this time and give the murder, mayhem and mystery a break. We are reading "Geek Love" a book that was given to me. A little bit strange, but he doesn't seem to mind. We had a quiet afternoon, just the two of us. We kept the lights off, letting the sun stream through the window, and enjoyed the cool air conditioning while we read. It wasn't a particularly taxing day or weekend, but I am tired. Tired to my bones today. No sleepy, just tired. The girls and I came home early enough to get a bath in before bed, and they went to bed with little trouble. The week starts again in the morning....breakfast, processing orders, off to school, go to the post office,go to the gym (trying to get that triathlon practice in!), pick up from school, swimming lessons, back home, dinner, bed....a long day. Another long day. And I'm tired. It's been a hard day's night....and I should be sleepin' like a log...

The Triathlon and his first Triathlons...

First I want to repost some information about the triathlon as we are now just a week away. It is in Mt Shasta and everyone is welcome at Camp Eric participants or not. We will meet there for the triathlon and then move the camp to the Burreson's (we love you C & H!) home for a BBQ. I would like to say to all of the people who are able to join us, please, please, please, give a shout out to the Rotary Club when you are there. They went out of their way to support us, and make it easier for us all to be able to participate. They welcomed us and embraced us and we appreciate it so much. In addition to that they also have thrown out an additional welcome to all Law Enforcement. Any Law Enforcement that wishes to join the triathlon this week, they have offered to waive the fees. They want everyone to be able to participate who would like to. I know that they sent out a letter to the local law enforcement agencies and that Shasta County SO has three members who are going to participate, and they don't even know Eric. I also heard that another team from Butte County SO has also jumped in to participate. Thank you so much. Much like the BBQ the SO just had, it is a wonderful opportunity for our girls to see the kind of support they have. It is so important for them right now as they miss him so much. It makes them feel so safe and protected to see all of these people who care so much for their daddy. I appreciate it so much. They are and always have been his number one priority and I try each day to make it safe and secure for them. Thank you for honoring him.

A bit of a re-post about the Triathlon:
You can download the entry form from the Rotary website (www.dunsmuirrotary.org) and fill it out ahead of time. PLEASE let Kelly (or leave a comment here) know if you are putting a team together so we can compile a master list of our “Friends of Eric Teams”. We are asking that all teams use the name Friends of Eric #. It will help if K know you are registering so K can keep track of what number each team is assigned. She will also need to know how many ERIC Triathlon shirts and what size is needed for each team. This is not the event shirt included with the Tinman registration but one created just for our “Friends of Eric” Participants. She will have them available at the carb loading dinner and the day of the event for $15. *Please also note that if you are unable to make it to the triathlon but would still like a "Friends of Eric" t-shirt, please contact Kelly at skmora@netzero.com and let her know how many and what sizes so she can get them for you. Thanks Scott for the one of a kind art work! With each day we get more excited about the event. The organizers have been very supportive of our group and are excited to share in the celebration of Eric and his strength and will to recover. Anyone entering the Triathlon, Please call Kelly Mora @ (530)824-1111 or e-mail skmora@netzero.com with your team details.

The story of his first two triathlons...I feel it is only fair to tell you this, as I do not want anyone to think he is some well oiled triathlon machine, or that you have to be to particpate. It has never been about that for him. It is the "doing" he has never been afraid of failing, he just wants to get out there and do his best. That is all we are doing, celebrating his attitude and letting him know that we all support him and the road he has to travel.

The first triathlon he was ever in was the City of Gold in Oroville. I had actually forgotten about it until I was reminded of the details at the BBQ. He had decided to give it a go (and no he had not been "training", just decided to go for it), and signed up.
He had worked an overtime shift the day before the triathlon, and as he was on his way home that night, had been called to another case. He got home very late with very little time to sleep. He set his alarm but slept through the first part of it. When it finally woke him, he jumped out of bed, threw on the nearest clothes and went to the event. He got there and started almost a full hour late. This is how it was described to me by a friend who was expecting to do the triathlon with him "We all got finished and were just sitting there hanging out, getting ready to pack up, when we heard an announcement. "And here comes the last particpant, who got here an hour late......Eric Christopher" We looked up shocked to see him. We thought he did not come, and there he comes running over the finish line in some bright shorts, and a ripped tank top. He had a great big grin on his face and his hands raised up in the air." He finished dead last, but he finished.

The second triathlon, was the Whiskeytown Ironman. We had to go up the night before so we decided to camp with friends. Of course he was working until later than he thought and we didn't get there until late. It was dark and we had to carry our gear down a path to the campsite and set up camp in the dark. He laughed as he put up the tent by the beam of his headlight and said that he would not know how to put it up in daylight as he had never done it. He started the triathlon with everyone else, first the swim, and then the bike. We saw him leave on his borrowed bike, but as everyone else came in....no Eric. The others were finishing the run. We waited and waited, and finally we saw him. Even from a distance you could tell something was wrong. When he got in we could see the front tire on his bike was badly bent. The bike portion was off-road and he had borrowed a bike from a friend's wife for the day. He had gone off an incline and landed badly mangling the front tire. He had picked it up and carried it on his shoulder running for about a mile, then decided it would take forever to get back that way, so he laid the bike on the ground and jumped up and down on the rim until it was straight enough to pass through the fork. He rode it the rest of the way back. He got back to base and left for the run, and again finished dead last. But he finished.

He has always been about the journey, experience, just "doing it". Whatever it takes to make it to the end. It doesn't matter where you place, just as long as you can say you didn't give up and you finished. Thank you all for joining us on this journey, helping us support him now on his way to the finish line. It doesn't matter if he finishes dead last, just as long as he finishes. That is really all that matters...

A beautiful day in the park....

We had a beautiful day in the park today. There was a BBQ, music, people laughing and enjoying a good meal. There were carefree children (mine included) racing around the grass, collecting feathers and other small treasures. Family and friends were in abudance. It was a like a large family reunion, the kind where you feel at home, and the hours pass quickly and you share stories and rememberances. The kind where there are so many people that you know, you go away feeling like you just didn't get a chance to visit with all of them. A beautiful day in the park. Of course there was one important person missing. The one that I often hear laughing in the distance, or can spot across a crowded room as he usually has an audience around him for one of his stories. While I could not see him there, except in the wonderful aray of photos spread across the tables, I could feel him. I could feel his warmth in all of the people that I saw. I felt his joy, and his life in all of the people and the stories about him that were relayed to me. The girls felt safe and free to run and play in the presence of all these people who care so much for their daddy, so much for them. They were very happy to be able to go to "the get well party" for their daddy. I appreciate everything. The shirts, the food, the dontations, the auction, the people, the support, but most of all I appreciate the gift of the day. The sharing of of yourselves with us. The sharing of him with us. I am not a person who does well in crowds, a bit of a hermit I am told. You all made it easy for me. I appreciate that. The quiet support, thank you for all of the familiar faces. Thank you to those that I did not know, for introducing yourselves. Their was so much care and attention in the details, we really felt it all. The pictures. The flowers, the guest book, the copy of this blog. It was .............a beautiful day in the park. Thank you.

Auction Info..

I have had so many people want to know what is going to be at the auction. Susan was nice enough to transfer the list to a format that I could post here. Thank you so much to everyone who has donated these wonderful items. I think everyone will agree it is truely amazing!
Eric Christopher FundraiserDonations

Item#
Item Description
1
Helicopter Ride - 1 1/2 hr scenic tour of Butte County for up to three passengers - Scott is a commercial rated pilot. Pilot for 8 years. "Take-off" airport to be arranged within Butte County. (Value: $800)
2
Tuscan Ridge 18 holes for 2 with a cart & 4 sleeves Titleist golf balls (Value: $95)
3
1 week stay in Villa in Costa Rica (does not include meals or airfare) ($950 value)
4
Set of 2 cup & saucer USSR china (Value: $60)
5
Set of 2 cup & saucer Lenox china (Value: $60)
6
Set of 8 cups and saucers, sugar & creamer - Bavaria Germany (Value: $200)
7
4 antique green glass parfait dishes (Value: $40)
8
Road trip cooler w/games and snacks & Tonka Truck (Value: $40)
9
Prayer bead bracelet (Value: $20)
10
Gold/green enamel dragonfly earrings (Value: $20)
11
Gift certificates to Black Bear Diner (Value $20)
12
Gift certificates to Black Bear Diner (Value $20)
13
Gift certificates to Black Bear Diner (Value $20)
14
Gift certificates to Black Bear Diner (Value $20)
15
A Top Driver School--teenage driver course (Value: $380)
16
Amethyst/Hematite Hessonite Garnet/Rubellite Garnet Kyanite 24k & 14k earrings (Value: $350)
17
Teac Brand i-Pod/CD Video to TV deck player (Value: $150)
18
2 hand cut black walnut bowls (Value: $25)
19
2 hand cut black walnut bowls (Value: $25)
20
1 hand cut black walnut bowls (Value: $10)
23
10 oz solid silver bar (Value: $150)
24
Framed Oil Painting: Tree (Value: $50)
25
Framed Oil Painting: Lake Scene (Value: $50)
26
Jin Shin Do Acupressure Treatment (1 1/2 hr session) by Mary or Maggie (Value: $50)
28
Taqueria Marias Gift Certificate (Value: $20)
29
Taqueria Marias Gift Certificate (Value: $20)
30
Taqueria Marias Gift Certificate (Value: $10)
31
Hair cut and Style at 2110 in Oroville (Value: $20)
32
3 Chico Outlaw Baseball Tickets Aug. 28, 2009 (Value: $35)
33
5 handmade soaps in a basket (Value: $30)
34
Matted 12x24" print "Fisherman w/Trout" (Value: $50)
35
Matted 12x24" print "Bait Shop" (Value: $50)
36
Refurbished antique scale (Value: $150)
37
Antique replica fire engine & Antique replica police car and teddy bear policeman (Value: $50)
38
Tiffany & Co Bracelet black beads w/silver (Value: $75)
39
Tiffany & Co silver book mark (Value: $75)
40
Crystal pin of angel (Value: $25)
41
Large silver crown pin with amethyst stone and silver crown pierced earrings (Value: $75)
42
Crystal Butterfly white and pink pin & pink post earrings (Value: $40)
43
Gift Basket: hair products, candles $100 gift card for Last Tangle Hair Salon, Chico (Value: $150)
45
4 sleeves Titleist Golf Balls (Value: $20)
47
Hat + 3 fishing lures (Value: $40)
48
3 fishing lures (Value: $25)
49
4 fishing lures (Value: $35)
56
Lake Oroville Floating Campsite (Value: $45)
57A
Handmade diaper bag (Value: $65)
57B
Handmade baby blanket (Value: $45)
58
Large baby basket - Assorted items: diapers, onesies, stuffed Winnie the pooh, etc. (Value: $100)
59
7 pc cordial set and 8 pc vodka set glasses (Value: $30)
60
Large Chinese food "basket" wok, dishes, food, etc (Value: $125)
61
Large Italian "basket": kitchen gadgets, food, placemats (Value: $100)
62
Gluten Free bowl of baking goodies (Value: $75)
63
Bath basket: body products, candle (Value: $75)
64
Fishing basket: pole, supplies, food, décor (Value: $125)
65
Tea "basket": pot, tea (Value: $100)
66
Peacock velveteen shawl (Value: $50)
67
Freshwater pearl bracelet, Beijing China (Value: $125)
68
Austrian Crystal bracelet and earrings (Value: 55)
69
Vintage costume jewelry (Value: $35)
70
Maui Divers 14k gold & diamond dolphin necklace (Value: $450)
71
Stained Glass 13"x36"sunflowers (Value: $75)
72
1 hour massage, CMT/NMT - Professional Magic Massage (Value: $25)
73
Grey Fox Vineyard wine basket (Value: $45)
44
Eddie Bauer double bottle wine cooler (Value: $50)
74
3 month family membership to Fit One (Value: $300)
75
3 month family membership to Fit One (Value: $300)
76
Clean King by D Gift Certificate for carpet cleaning (Value: $80)
77
Sunset Cruise with Dinner for 4 (Forebay or Lake Oroville on 21' Sea Ray) (Value:$300)
78
Collector Doll -Ashton Drake Galleries (Value: $100)
79
Skil 3/8" Electric Drill (Value: $25)
80
Floor Jack, creeper, jack stands, wheel chocks (Value: $160)
81
Bird House - handmade (Value: $45)
82
1 year membership plus 1 session of gymnastic glasses at Athletic Horizons, Chico (Value: $76)
83A
2 pencil drawings by Brian Estes (Police Units) (Value: $30)
83B
2 pencil drawings by Brian Estes (Fire Units) (Value: $30)
83C
2 pencil drawings by Brian Estes (Air Units) (Value: $30)
84
Stainless steel bottle, 18 oz (Value: $18)
85
Stainless steel bottle, 18 oz (Value: $18)
86
Earring/necklace set from 5th Street Clothing Company, Chico (Value: $50)
87
Purple bag with ladies toiletries, earrings, candle, gift cert. from Artifax, Chico (Value: $55)
88
Black and Decker hand mixer (Value: $55)
89
Large metal planter with floral arrangement, apple candle, oil canvas, etc. from The Address, Chico (Value: $95)
90
Gift Certificate - Food at Old Root Beer Chico CA (Value: $10)
91
Gift Certificate - Golf for a foursome with carts (Canyon Oaks Country Club, Chico CA) (Value: $220)
92
Gift Certificate - Custom Framing (Art Etc. Chico CA) (Value: $30)
93
Gift Certificate - Two Free Meals & $25 drink dollars (Madison Bear Garden, Chico CA) (Value: $45)
94
Gift Certificate - Haircut and Highlights, Chico (Che' Divina w/Alicia Woodcox) (Value: $85)
95
Gift Certificate - Haircut and Highlights, Chico (Che' Divina w/Dani Banks) (Value: $85)
96
Gift Certificate - Haircut and Highlights, Chico (Che' Divina w/Soleena Storne) (Value: $85)
97
Trek Classic Cruiser bike (Campus Bikes, Chico CA) (Value: $345)
98
Handmade wood burl clock with Butte County Sheriff Logo (Value: $60)
99
Black Hill Gold earrings, post style (Value: $200)
100
Silver colored bangle bracelet watch (Value: $40)
101
Gift Certificate - Pampered Chef Products (Value: $100)
102
Plastic rolling tool box with tools (Value: $75)
103
Black Hills Gold ring set (Value: $934)
104
Black Hills Gold - man's band (Value: $274)
105
Small black wooden garden table (Value: $40)
106
Star Trek Movies VHS (Value: $35)
107
Coors Lights (2 hanging/ 2wall sconces) (Value: $20)
108
Beer Dispenser (Kegerator) (Value: $100)
109
Rag Quilt (lap size) fishing theme (Value: $45)
110
Gift Certificate for portrait (sitting fee&portraits) from Creative Imaging, Oroville (Value: $250)
111
$50 Gift Certificate for Applebee's, baseball type hat, & hot shooter paddles with balls (Value: $80)
112
Gift Certificate - Skyway Golf Park (Paradise CA) (2 lg buckets&2 rounds of golf) (Value: $24)
113
Pottery Vase from Don the Jeweler (Paradise CA) (Value: Unk)
114
Gift Certificate for portraits at Alain Tomatis Photography, Paradise (Value: $150)
115
Fly fishing rod, case and video (Value: $150)
116
Fly's and other fishing gear ($60)
117
FlightCare Membership Program family (Value: $45)
118
FlightCare Membership Program family (Value: $45)
119
3 men's haircuts at Jersey Clips & Brews (Value: $60)
120
Orient & Flume Vase (Value: $400)
121
Orient & Flume apple (Value: $90)
122
Orient & Flume apple (Value: $90

A few more updates...

I have gotten alot of e-mails asking about the auction and I have requested a list that I can post to the blog. I will try to get that up by Monday. I went out to the triathlon site today, it is going to be great, but certainly a challenge for me. A good one though. He will be proud I know. No guts no glory he always says. I watched our friends practice the swimming leg this morning, way to go H,A,G &S!!!! I told him all about it today, he watches me, seems to be interested. He seems to be very stable right now. He is more relaxed this weekend than he was earlier in the week, this is a good thing. He has progressed from eating popcicles to eating a little applesauce. It is also a good thing.

The girls came back for a visit today. H has been bringing home her drawings from school and telling me each day they are for her daddy. We kept them all in a little pile to bring to him. She reminded me yesterday that she was going to see him today, as if I forgot. They came today after I got him up and ready. We were waiting in the park for our babies to arrive. We had it to ourselves before they got there. I told him all about their week at school and how much they need and love him. I have watched them these past few weeks, and seen how much he is missed. Especially with H. I have watched her with our friends (dad's themselves) and seen how she craves that special teasing. I have seen her stand and watch as another child calls out "Dad" and runs into her father's arms. I sense the longing in her. I know it is there. I ache for her. I tell him all these things as we sit and wait for them to come. I tell him how much she loves him, and how much she needs her dad. She is herself when they arrive. He has little presents tucked under his arms for them when they get there. They are thrilled and sit at the picnic table to play with them. Their chatter is infectious and so wonderful to listen to. H suddenly tells me she wishes to sit on his lap. She climbs up and rests her head on my favorite place. I know that place so well. Know how it smells and how it feels under my cheek. I know how safe I feel when I am there. I watch her rest there, and see his head tilt towards her, as if to be closer. It is a quiet moment. A tender moment.

A couple of quick updates...

The BBQ is next Wednesday and they e-mailed me about the silent auction today. There are over 100 items in the auction. Unbelievable. Truly. Thank you. They are planning to end the auction promptly at 1:30pm, and are accepting phone bids. For information please call: Jane Malloy (538-7811), Becky Callas (538-2861) or Susan Tiffany (538-7543). Thank you all for your hard work. We appreciate it. I know he does also.

The triathlon is coming up! We have several teams signed up and some brave solo players. I know I did my "training" (walking) today, and plan to get some in every day until the big day. Of course I will be pushing a stroller and "walking" the run part of the race. I am so excited that N is my team biker and she has been getting some practice in herself. Her entire family has joined in as well, making up another team. Our team swimmer is MA. I have to brag a little for her and say that she just swam in the sharkfest at Alcatraz last weekend, and finished in the top 10% overall and in the top tier of women competing. He wanted to do that swim with her this year. Instead she swam under his number for him "80". Way to go MA. I know he is proud. I know we are proud. I know that I am glad she is on my team!

Today was E's first day of preschool. She was so excited. She dressed in her brand new "Dora" outfit, and backpack. She was the first one up this morning, the first one dressed. She could not wait. She spent all last year visiting the classroom when it was time to drop off or pick up H, and she knew where everything was. After we walked H to kindergarten, we went to wait for her class to start. She ran around the play yard while we waited, telling me that this was "her school now, NOT Heehee's. When the doors opened, she found her cubby and knew exactly where she wanted to go and what she wanted to play with. She all but ignored me. I asked for a kiss good-bye and she planted one on me, then turned away. I told her I would see her soon, she tossed a half hearted "bye" over her shoulder and went back to her business. My baby was ready. Ready to throw me over for a plastic castle and a Dora doll. Another sign of their resilience and Independence. I am proud of them.

Unwritten...

Someone recently gave me a CD of music. This one was for me, not for him. I put it in the truck, thinking that I would listen to it soon, but often when I am driving my thoughts wander and I do not even remember to turn on music. This week I remembered. When I was alone in the truck driving around, I put on the CD. Many of the songs were songs I was familiar with, some even songs that I quoted from on the blog. There were also a few that I had never heard of. It is amazing how music can have such a profound affect on you. I cried as I listened to it. I pulled over and listened to the songs, one right after another, all of them tugging at some primitive part of my being. I cried for what I am missing, I cried for what he is missing and mostly I cried for what they are missing. A split second and lives irrevocably changed. I let myself feel the anger at it, the frustration and the agony. Then another song came on, one that I had not heard, and probably would not have heard was it not on this CD. It was in the middle of the song when I heard the words:

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

How true. His story has not been written, our story has not been written. We have to turn another page each day to see what it will bring. We might have clues along the way, but we will not know for sure until the last page has been turned. I am holding out for a happy ending.

Kindergarten.....

Today H started kindergarten. A big day. A milestone. Another one he missed. Another one where he was missed. It was bittersweet. When she woke up this morning, and padded down the hall, I looked at her and said "Good Morning, Kindergartner!" Her whole face lit up and she got a big smile. I made her breakfast and she picked out her outfit. Head to toe purple of course. Purple bow in her hair, purple shirt, purple skirt and purple sandals. She also added a tiara, but I convinced her to leave it at home. We dropped E off with T and went to the first day. I brought the video camera, and taped her getting out of the car, and going to her classroom. She was a little nervous until she saw her preschool teacher waiting to wish her well. I could see the nervousness melt away and she danced to her classroom. She did a great job. She colored, played blocks, sorted, listened to stories, went on a scavenger hunt and played at recess. I taped her. I taped her talking to her daddy, telling him the things she was doing and showing him the pictures she drew. She never said a word about him not being there, even in the presence of all those other daddies their for their children's first day. He was looking forward to this day. He deserves to have this day. When the children went out to recess, the teacher gave us a little orientation. Every time she mentioned the "dads" I felt a little pang. I could feel the tears behind my eyes. When the day was over, I told her how proud I was of her, and offered to get her a treat. She smiled that impish smile and said "Ice Cream!' Ice cream it was. We went to Shuberts and she picked chocolate. We sat on the bench out front and played "I spy" while we had a cone. She was so happy. We ran some errands and went to pick up E. We had dinner out with some visiting family, it was nice. It was a good day. A full day. The girls were excited, and busy. We came home for baths and bed. We picked out our clothes for tomorrow and unpacked her backpack from today. She plucked her drawing from my hands and said "I am going to take this to Daddy because he misses us!" I know he does. And we miss him.

Don't be weird about it...

For most of our relationship, I have given him a pass on the whole gift thing. Birthdays, Valentines Day, Our Anniversary, even Christmas, I just have never really been the girl that needed the gift. I always tell him, I don't "need" anything, I am the girl who would rather have someone paint her house than buy her jewelry. There have been occasions that we both forgot it was our anniversary until someone called to wish us a happy one. He is absent minded anyway, it just works for us. He has made some grand gestures though. Some have worked out, and others not so much. The best surprise he ever gave me, was not for any special occasion. I was pregnant with E, and was going to an all day scrapbooking crop. I got to the crop, and they had our places all laid out with our names. I found my table, but someone else's stuff was in my place. I went to tell the host that someone was already sitting in my seat, when she smiled at me and said that the large package on the table was mine. I told her it was not, and she suggested I look in the package. I walked (waddled, 8 months pregnant) over to the table and opened the package. Inside was the new Cricut Electronic Die Cutting Machine. I could not believe it. I had looked at them online but they were not available in our area. I later found out that he had seen me looking at them online, and had googled them trying to find out where they were sold. He found a lady in Sacramento that had one in her shop. He had driven all the way to Sacramento to pick it up so he could have it for me that day. I had never told him I wanted to buy one, I was just window shopping. He told me later that I never ask for anything, especially anything expensive, so when he saw me looking at it, he just wanted to get it for me. Another time when I was pregnant, we were going to be hosting Christmas at our house. I woke up on the morning of my birthday (Dec. 21) and he was still sleeping, I woke him up thinking he was late for work, when he smiled and told me that he had taken the day off so he could help me get ready for company. That one did not quite work out, however as his idea of help and mine, rather differed. I wanted to shampoo the carpets and wash the floors, change the linens and clean the bathrooms. He however decided to go through all of his hunting, sports and cop gear and organize it. He drug everything out of every closet and hidey hole that he could find, had it all over the living room (whose rugs I was trying to shampoo) and all over the dining table and kitchen counters. It drove me totally insane. He was lost in his own world and was so proud of himself for "helping". It is really hard to stay mad at someone who has the infectious personality of a large toddler. Another Christmas he surprised me with a diamond necklace. I completely ruined it for him. Those that know me, know that I do not like to be the center of attention...anywhere...even with my own family. My wedding, while wonderful, was one of the single most difficult days for me. I do not do "attention" well. It was Christmas at my parents house, and most of the gift giving had already been done, when he pulled out a little box. Everyone suddenly stopped what they were doing and swung their heads around to see what was going on. I was acutely aware of every eye on me. He wonderfully, and without embarrassment, held the box and started to say lovely things to me. In front of everyone thanked me for supporting him, and being there....and suddenly my mind went blank, and I could feel everyone around me watching and listening to this wonderfully romantic speech, could feel the heat creeping up the back of my neck and I blurted out "Don't be weird, just give it to me". No seriously that is exactly what I said. Yes I ruined it. But he just laughed and gave it to me. He has never let me forget it, teasing me about it, but it never bothered him. He just laughed. I miss that laugh.

Love...

One word frees us from the weight and pain of life, that word is Love. -Sophacles

It has been a busy week, a full week. She knew I was going to see him. She knows why we come up here every week. She told me last night she wanted to see him today. Of course I told her OK. She reminded me again this morning that she wanted to see him. I arranged to have her grandmother bring her by after I had a chance to get him up and ready. They came by on their way to the lake. I already had him out in the shade of the park area, and she bounded up with a "Hi, Daddy!" She hugged him, and danced around telling him about her day. She ran around and collected pine needles and leaves and brought them to him, placing them in his hands. I commented that she was "decorating" daddy. She looked at me very solemnly and said "Mommy I am not decorating Daddy, I am showing him all the things that we see on our walks together" Of course she is. She instinctively knows. E is in the car with grandma and is curious, she decides to join us. She is hesitant, she smiles at him and talks to him, but does not want to touch him. Her sister explains to her that Daddy is wearing bracelets because he cannot talk, and they tell the people what his name is. She also explains to her how some parts of his body are waking up but some are still sleeping. She tells her that he cannot talk with his mouth so he tells them with his eyes how much he loves them. E gets more comfortable as the time passes and she wants to sit on my lap as I talk to him. She brings him a leaf to hold. H crawls on the grass in front of him to wrestle with her uncle, all the time yelling, "Daddy look at me!" she keeps up a running patter of conversation directly to him, as if she knows how we are trying to stimulate him. She yells out "daddy, look over here!" and he does. His eyes seem to follow her. She is a force of nature. She is him, his daughter, the essence of his life dancing before our eyes. She dances and chatters, having shed all nervousness from her previous visit. She tells him how great he looks and how well he is doing..........and how much she loves him. He is watchful. She sits on his lap, hugs his arm, runs around his chair and then tenderly looks into his eyes and kisses him on the nose. She smiles, she laughs, she climbs on a rock and shouts "Look at me Daddy, I am Queen of the rock!" then jumps down runs back over to him and hugs him. It was a good visit. It was soul nourishing. It was grace and beauty. It was innocence. It was wisdom. It was simply love. Simple Love. The love of a child for her Daddy. A love that knows no obstacle.

A Quick Reminder..

So many people have said that they are planning to come to the BBQ. Thank you all so much for the wonderful support. I want to remind everyone that today is the last day to reserve tickets. The response has been so wonderful, they need to have a final head count to be able to provide lunch to everyone. Thank you.

A day of Reckoning

In the warm light of day, H told me again that she wanted to see him. I said OK. I had spent most of the night thinking about that meeting and how it should take place. I took her aside and tried to tell her what to expect. I talked about the hospital, the exercises, his chair, his bed, his room, everything I could think of to make her more comfortable. She has known that he is in a "deep sleep" and I did not want her to be surprised by seeing him look around, or make noise, and I tried to prepare her as best as I could. I explained that while most of Daddy was still sleeping, some parts were trying to wake up. His eyes are waking up and can look around, his feet are very ticklish, but his brain is still sleeping and he cannot talk or walk. She looked at me and asked "Like Prince Wesley?" Prince Wesley? Prince Wesley? Who is Prince Wesley, I ask her? She says "from the play" I think back to the play we had seen not long before this happened. The Princess Bride. Of course she would make sense of it in her own mind. The Princess Bride, I am amazed at how their little minds work. Yes just like Prince Wesley, I tell her. She seems to accept this. I speak to D and ask her to help me make this go as easily as possible. We decide I will go to the hospital and get him ready for his big visit, and that she will wait an hour or so and then bring H over to meet me there. It all goes just as planned. I take her little hand and show her how to sign in and get a sticker, and we talk about everything we pass in the halls. I show her the dining room and the gym, and point out the little park outside. I tell her that he will be in a chair, and that we can take him outside. As we get closer I can see the excitement and nervousness on her face. When we get to the doorway, she peers in, then trots over to him. She wants to know about everything, the trach (it was still in at the time) , his chair, his room, where all her pictures are (covering one whole wall) but mostly why he has a beard. Yes that is her most concerning question. After I tell her that I have to shave him because his hands are still sleeping, she seems to accept it.I ask her if she has any questions about the trach, "his necklace?" she asks. His necklace, no questions about the necklace, just still puzzled by the beard. She is a little nervous, but happy to be there. I show her that he is watching her, I tell her she can hold his hand. She talks to him in her sweet girlish chatter. She is still a little nervous. She admires the wall of her prolific artwork, and comments on her pictures posted on the opposite wall. I tell her that we can take him outside to the park area, and she offers to help me push his chair. Side by side we push him down the hall and out to the park, her chattering all the way. When we get to the entrance of the park, I ask her where she thinks he would like to sit, and she chooses the arbor , so we push him under the canopy of vines and she tells him about the leaves and the flowers and the squirrel she sees running about. She runs off with D (who has stayed quietly in the background in case I need help with one or the other of them, thank you D!) to look at the berries growing around the edge of the park. I talk to him quietly as we watch our daughter, our oldest child running in the grass, as we have watched her so many times before. She is amazing. The light of our lives. She has his spark, his zest, as it is so easy to see as we watch her dancing in the grass. I think of all the times that I have seen him, head bent over a leaf, or prized rock, as excited as she is for the found treasure. I think about these things and my heart aches for him, for us. The pleasure he gets from the little things, how he embraces them, and shows the proper reverence for a five year old's most prized possesions. My heart breaks for him, for her. As I am lost in these thoughts, she runs back to us, bounding up to hug his arm, and says "mommy I want to sit on his lap." I say OK, and help her sit on his leg. She lays her head on his chest and throws her arms across his body, proclaiming "mommy I am hugging him!" I tell her how happy it makes him and how much he loves her. We visit a little longer before taking him back to his room for a rest. Before we leave she kisses him on the cheek and squeezes his arm again. When we get to the car, I ask her how she felt and if she had any questions. She mentions the beard, again. Then she simply says "mommy I love my daddy" I said, "I know baby, so do I." Really what more is there to say.

It was only a matter of time...

I knew that I was on borrowed time. The girls have been amazing. They have been resilient, happy and have kept us all moving forward. I knew it was only a matter of time before more questions would come. He is too much a part of their lives, for them not to feel his absence as greatly as we do. He is the center of their world, of our world. It was only a matter of time before the activities, and visitors could not longer distract them from the elephant in the room. It began an innocent trip for an ice cream cone. When they pulled into the parking lot of the ice cream shop, H stated "my daddy used to bring us here before he got dead." S (who was taking them for ice cream) quickly reassured her that he was not dead, and called to let me know what had happened. When they got back home H was so happy and carefree that I foolishly thought we still might have a little more time. Later that night as I was walking down the hall, I heard muffled sobs coming from their room. I rushed in to to find H sobbing into her pillow. She told me she missed daddy, that she loved him so much. I have kissed many boo-boo's and have soothed many hurt feelings, but this was the first time since I have been a parent, that my child was broken hearted and I was helpless to to do anything about it. I felt eviscerated, impotent, utterly helpless. It was one of the worst moments of my life. I was able to sooth her. To talk to her about him. I showed her a picture, and she was comforted. She told me she hugged her pillow to send him love in his dreams. Tears streamed down my face as I held her little body and reassured her that he is trying his best to get back to us. That he loves them more than anything in the world, and there is nothing in his power that would keep him away from them any longer than he had to be. She was comforted. She said she wanted to hug him, so I gave her his sweatshirt. She has slept with it every night since. She said she was ready to see him, and I said OK.

To Love, Honor, and Cherish...

These are words we are all familiar with, but ones I have been thinking alot about lately. Most people who see or hear that phrase, think they know what it means. I think perhaps they see Love and Cherish, and think they understand it. I think perhaps it is the little thought of "Honor" that is the most powerful of the three. Honor, honorable, honest, they are not unfamiliar words to us but we tend to use them for reverence, rather than for our daily lives. When we get married, we think of how much we love our partner, how much we adore and cherish them. That is what our wedding day is all about, celebrating those things. The honor, I do not think we give as much thought to. What is really means to honor someone. I bring this up because I continue to hear about my "strength". My answer is always the same, I don't see it as strength, I just don't see any other option. When I make this observation, I have had more than one person comment, that certainly there are other options, and the one most chosen seems to be, "you could collapse, breakdown, fall apart, as others do." I reply with no hubris, "I do not view my behavior as strength, but their behavior as weakness." Recently I had someone telling me about a recent break up that they had. I told them that the one thing I know is that it is important to know the person you are with will be there to fight in the trenches with you. If they are not the kind of person who can be there in the worst of times, it is better to find out early. It is easy to be with someone when everything is going well, it is so much harder when you are thrown a curve ball, and you never know when they are coming. I think back to honor. I did and I do. I made that promise. To love, honor, and cherish. The loving and cherish are easy, especially in the good times. The honor, that is more complicated. To honor someone, what does that mean? To me that means, that I behave as he would want me to. As he would expect me to. It means that I take care of things in his absence. That I care for his children as he would wish me to. That I hold to his values and respect them. That I put the pieces of our life together to make the best foundation that I can for the girls. That I keep consistency in their lives as much as possible. To honor him means that I carry on as he would wish me to while he is unable to be with us. It means that I put aside my fears, my tears, and my pain, and I keep calm and carry on. He is an honorable man, and I will continue to honor him. To Love, Honor and Cherish him. I promised.

Silent Auction

A couple of people have posted comments about the silent auction. Please contact Linda Kepley 538-4361 and she should be able to answer any questions you might have.
Thank you

Finally!

The trach is finally out! They took it out yesterday amid very little fanfare. It was good to see. It was wonderful to see. He looks remarkably like himself. There was actually less trauma taking it out than there was when they replaced the whole thing. This means he is down to the feeding tube and cath, but no more monitors, wires or other appliances. He looks so much more comfortable, he looks restful, he looks like himself. I have taken some of his clothes from home and "adapted" them with velcro so they are easier to get on, and he gets the benefit of wearing his familiar favorites. The first day, he was still flinching a little when he coughed but his neck and shoulders seemed so much more relaxed. Today he has started to make much more noise. The girls and I have gone out of town for the weekend to be with our family, and attend my grandfather's memorial. I called MB who has come down to visit him for the weekend and could hear him in the background. He was practicing his vocal sounds. What it means we do not know. It could be he is trying to talk, he could think he is talking, perhaps he likes the vibrations in his throat, or maybe he just likes the sound of his own voice. No matter what it is that is driving it, it is new, it is different. New and different are about as exciting as it gets in our world. The other new thing that happened this week was in physical therapy. They put him up in a standing frame yesterday. It is like a harness in a frame that they put him in and place his feet to see how he tolerates weight on his feet. He is supported but they let his weight rest on his feet. He did very well. I am impressed with all of the new things they are trying, and encourage us to help with as well. We continue to work with the doctors and therapists to put him in the best possible position for recovery. I have said it before and I will say it again.....It is all in his hands. They are good hands.....strong hands.

A Triathlon Update from K

TINMAN UPDATE

For all those interested in the Tinman Triathlon, here is a quick update. You CAN register the day before at the free (for participants) spaghetti dinner. It's just $5 per person for all others who wish to come but not participate in the triathlon (supporters).
If you can't make it to the dinner, you can register at the event. To make day of registration go faster, I suggest downloading the entry form from the Rotary website (www.dunsmuirrotary.org) and filling them out ahead of time. You don't have to do this, but it will speed things up. I recommend pre-registration on-line or by mail, just follow the link above.
TEAM Registration Fees and Dates:
Start Date
End Date
Price
10/01/08 12:00 AM CST
08/10/09 11:59 PM CST
$75.00
08/11/09 12:00 AM CST
08/21/09 11:59 PM CST
$85.00
08/22/09 12:00 AM CST
09/06/09 8:30 AM CST
$95.00
INDIVIDUAL Registration Fees and Dates:
Start Date
End Date
Price
10/01/08 12:00 AM CST
08/10/09 11:59 PM CST
$35.00
08/11/09 12:00 AM CST
08/21/09 11:59 PM CST
$40.00
08/22/09 12:00 AM CST
09/06/09 8:30 AM CST
$45.00

We have two brave souls, Heath Burreson and Chip Cherry, both longtime friends of the family signed up and registered for completing the race solo.
The current registered teams are as follows:
Friends of Eric 1
Kelly Mora, Steve Mora and Grace Mora
Friends of Eric 2
Lesley Christopher, Mary Anne Christopher & Ella Gallego
Friends of Eric 3
Carolina Burreson, Jared Burreson & Audrey Mora
Friends of Eric 4
Bo Cherry, Cora Cherry & Minna Cherry (this is a preteen team!)

We have enough participants to put together three more teams, however I am waiting to make certain there are not any others who need to be paired up before final team selection. PLEASE let me know if you are putting a team together so we can compile a master list of our “Friends of Eric Teams”. We are asking that all teams use the name Friends of Eric #. It will help if I know you are registering so I can keep track of what number each team is assigned. I will also need to know how many ERIC Triathlon shirts and what size is needed for each team. This is not the event shirt included with the Tinman registration but one created just for our “Friends of Eric” Participants. These shirts will be available at the carb loading dinner and the day of the event for $15. *Please also note that if you are unable to make it to the triathlon but would still like a "Friends of Eric" t-shirt, please contact Kelly at skmora@netzero.com and let her know how many and what sizes so she can get them for you. Thanks Scott for the one of a kind art work! With each day we get more excited about the event. The organizers have been very supportive of our group and are excited to share in the celebration of Eric and his strength and will to recover. Anyone entering the Triathlon, Please call Kelly Mora @ (530)824-1111 or e-mail skmora@netzero.com with your team details.


BBQ POTLUCK INFO


TO CELEBRATE OUR TRIATHLON SUCCESS AND ERIC'S BIRTHDAY A BBQ POTLUCK WILL TAKE PLACE ON SUNDAY, SEPT. 6 FROM 12:00pm TO 5:00 pm.
IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE TRIATHLON,”CAMP ERIC” WILL MOVE FROM LAKE SISKIYOU TO WHERE THE BBQ WILL BE HOSTED AT THE BURRESON RESIDENCE IN MOUNT SHASTA @ 1225 BEKS LANE.
PLEASE BRING YOUR OWN LAWN CHAIRS, BEVERAGES & A SIDE DISH TO SHARE (green salad, pasta salad, potato salad or fruit).
TRI TIP, CHICKEN, BREAD AND DESSERT WILL BE PROVIDED.
DIRECTIONS FOR BBQ LOCATION: TAKE I-5 NORTH, TAKE CENTRAL MOUNT SHASTA EXIT, MAKE LEFT OVER THE OVERPASS TO STOP SIGN @ NORTH OLD STAGE RD. IN FRONT OF FISH HATCHERY, MAKE A RIGHT ONTO NORTH OLD STAGE, MAKE LEFT ONTO BEKS LANE, GO OVER BRIDGE ARRIVE AT HOUSE.
PLEASE RSVP BY EMAIL skmora@netzero.com OR CALL KELLY @ 530-519-2383.

Transition..

He moved yesterday to the transitional care unit downstairs. What does that mean? It means his body has stabilized. His heart is stable, he is breathing completely on his own (hopefully the trach out next week). He doesn't need to be watched over so carefully. He doesn't need to be hooked up to monitors and Iv's. He needs therapy. He needs to respond to his therapy. This is the best opportunity for him. He is close to the gym and therapy room. They get him up several times a day and try new things with him each day. They even take him to the dining room when he has his milkshake. He is doing better with his sleep schedule. He is more alert in the day. These are all good things. Baby steps. Each day comes so quickly, it is amazing that another week is almost over. The girls start school the week after next. H in kindergarten and E in preschool. We are getting ready, backpacks have been chosen. Disney princesses for H and Dora for E. It is a time of transition for all of us. New schedules, environments and expectations. Transition. Tran-si-tion: 1. passage from one place, form, state or style to another. 2. Change.

Location, Location, Location!

I was asked to post a quick update about the BBQ.

"Due to the overwhelming response from the community we are changing the location of the lunch fundraiser to the North Forebay, in Oroville. It is the same exit as BCSO off hwy 70. Everyone will see it from the highway. ..... We are doing a "will call" section at the ticket table., for out of town people who have purchased tickets and want to pick them up the day of the BBQ. This way we have a head count to purchase the food. "

Thank you all so much. Your generosity is unmeasurable. It makes his whole family feel good and close to him, when we see how much he is thought of by all of you. It is simply humbling.

Lost Footage!

We are down to a month before the triathlon! Our wonderful friends are planning a BBQ after the triathlon for all of you who are planning to join us. (more details to follow) I have been walking, but have to do a whole lot more before the big day. It is a good thing I can get him up in the chair now, so we can do laps in the hallway, I like to think of it as my own personal training sessions. K recently dug up our old Olympic training video and forwarded it to me. We sadly did not make it to the competition. The video was prepared and filmed by S, I hope that one day we can try for the gold! It is good to smile, you know he always does. Enjoy.
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/FRWZyDVR8oX9l7riSrdW

Finally some routine..

After we got his milkshake straightened out, we were able to work on his sleep schedule, and that seems to be on track as well. He is now sleeping at night and alert during the day, so we are hoping there will be no more snoring in physical therapy. It will be up to him if he wants to cooperate, but it feels positive to at least give him the tools to be able to participate. They will be moving him to a different area in the same hospital, because he needs less supervision than he did when he first came in. We are able to get him up several times a day and even have been taking him outside. They have a small intimate park setting at the edge of the grounds, and I took him out there on Sunday afternoon. It was quiet, just the two of us. It is surrounded by trees and even has a little creek surrounded by berry bushes. I showed him the berries just turning black, the leaves on the trees and vines climbing the arbor behind us. We listened to the water in the little creek, and I tickled him with pine needles found on the ground. I put his feet on the grass and nudged them with my own bare feet so that he could feel the grass move underfoot. We sat out in the fresh air for an hour and a half, me telling him of all the things the girls have been up to, and about getting ready for school to start. H is starting kindergarten and E preschool. He sat in his chair alert and I think listening, wearing a cap I found in the truck and his sunglasses. It felt like a good day, a day like many others we have had. Only this time I was doing the talking and he was doing the listening. Everything has changed, and yet there is still some familiar sameness. It may not be what I have envisioned for my Sunday afternoons, but we were alone, in a quiet beautiful place, feeling the sun on our faces. I got to talk and tell him about our week, and he was quiet and listened. He never even interrupted. What more could a girl ask for?

Thank you again.

I want to thank everyone who contributed to the Chase Bank benevolent fund set up by the DSA. They brought me another check this weekend from the fund. I really appreciate all who have made those contributions, it has helped us tremendously. You all have paid for our gas, and meals, and made it so there was one less thing to worry about. I really appreciate everyone for their generosity. I tell him every day about it, and hope that it sets his mind at ease that he does not have to worry about us right now. Thank you for my peace of mind, and for his.

In Sickness and in Health....

When I think of those words, I do not think of this time now, of anything I am giving to him, but instead I think of all the times that he has been there for me. I think of the worst times in our life and how I have always depended upon him, how he has always been there. I think of the two miscarriages before having H, the physical and emotional trauma, and how he was there. Right there giving to me, being there for me completely, grieving himself, but never letting it get in the way of his encompassing support of me. I think of the birth of H, how he was right there, the first time I saw her was in his arms. The look of complete love on his face. I think of finding out that she had to go to Davis, and that I had to remain in the hospital here. He thought nothing of having to pack up and follow his baby, knowing that he would have all of the responsibility himself down there. He just packed up and went. He would set his alarm for every time she needed to be fed and he would get up and rush over so he could be the one to do it. He would take her temperature and change her little diapers while she was there in the NICU. He knew all of the nurses, they all knew him. He threw himself into the process and made the best of it. He took care of me, he took care of his baby. When we had the third miscarriage before having E, it was by far the hardest and most physically traumatic. He was there with me through it all, giving to me, letting me grieve, and taking care of both H and I. He told me that we were enough for him. If we could not have more, it was OK, his plate and heart were full. When we decided to try one last time, we knew that it would be hard. It was unknown. Unknown to us, unknown to the doctors, but he never wavered. Every Monday of my pregnancy with E, I would go to the infusion center and I had a 7 hour infusion. He took H and planned adventures for them. They would go roller skating, or for walks in the park, geo caching or out for an ice cream. And when E finally came, there was no prouder dad. Again he was right there while they put me out. He has gotten to witness the birth of both of his daughters while I did not. Something special he shares with them. I think that only makes him prouder. When I think about the best and the worst days of my life, one thing is constant. Him. He has always been there, in sickness and in health.

Rest...

It has been a rough couple of days. He had a rough couple of days. He is doing better now. He was having some trouble with his "milkshake". It was not agreeing with him. Since he can't tell us right now what is bothering him, it took us a couple of days to figure out what it was. He is finally resting more comfortably now. It is always difficult to see someone you love in distress. It is hard to watch the pain wash over their face and be powerless to stop it, much less even identify it. And it is an immense relief when it subsides. I spent almost three hours, alternately trying to comfort him, and trying to find the source of the pain. He seems so much better now. He celebrated his relief with a nap, and I took advantage of the time to shave him. He is sporting a nice goatee now, he will be worried when he wakes up, as his uniform code requires no facial hair below the corners of his mouth. I think he will forgive me. The rest of the afternoon was quiet, but reassuringly so. He napped and I just watched the calm wash over his face. K popped in for a visit and tried to tease him, he seemed to watch her for a time, but after she left he went back to napping. I let him rest until it was time for me to head back home. I grabbed the girls and we made it home for baths and bedtime. They were very excited after a busy day of water fun. Our friend S has come to stay with us for a few days, and the girls are so excited to have her to themselves. They have planned picnics and tea parties, and I have planned yard work and a few fix it projects. It is good to be home. Good to sleep in my own bed tonight. I have his pillow next to me, it's case still unchanged. It smells like him, it smells like home. I will sleep well tonight.....