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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

14 years...

I remember exactly where I was 14 years ago today and what I was wearing... We were young, full of excitement, hopes and dreams. Yet we had already been dating 8 years so we had an understanding and an expectation of who the other person was. I knew him to be steady and sure, loyal, honest, hard working, fun loving, humorous, and always my rock. I knew that above all else he would always be there for me. He made me safe, loved, and right. He brought me laughter, strength, truth, frustration, peace and wisdom.

I knew all those things when I walked down the aisle in my handsewn white dress. What I didn't know was that I would only have 12 short years before it all was gone and what a huge hole in my life it would leave. I have spent the last 2 years holding together the ragged edges of the fabric of our lives and trying to mend them. Everyday is another stitch in time, a little darn to the fabric. It is taking on a new shape, not the one we originally set out to make but still a comforting quilt the girls can wrap themselves up in.

I think of our dreams, the ones fufilled, the ones that will never be. I am thankful that the best of those hopes, dreams and wishes are reflected in two little faces that grow so much each day. I think of all the things I was given in the last 22 years. I realize now that time was not to be one of them.

I was up at midnight with my reflections, watching the clock, knowing that today would come. I have felt it coming all week. Felt the waves of emotions lapping at my core. I spent Sunday with him, sitting, quietly reminding him of that day 14 years ago.

I wouldn't have missed the dance.....

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

-garth brooks

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

In the know, the down low, and on the go, go......

I have been sadly neglectful of this blog lately. It isn't that I haven't though of posting, or that the words that I would say, haven't run through my mind like a ticker tape. I could say that I have been busy, and it would be true. I could say that I have been concentrating on some big changes and it would also be true. But the real reason, the nuts and bolts of it boils down to something more simple. I haven't wanted to. I haven't wanted to explore my own feelings. I have been content to wrap myself in the protective fabric of my projects, my life, the girls, and everything else. I have let it numb me from my feelings, I have let it be a filter for me.

The last months have brought change again to my door, and then I invited it in. The girls have been busy. H had her t-ball season, we games, practices, and lessons. Swimming lessons, birthday parties, lost teeth, first grade, our last year of preschool, field trips, working in the classroom and on and on and on. But the biggest change these months have brought is my decision to move. After 12 years we are moving off of our mountain and down to be closer to town.

Once I made the decision, I looked at the rest of winter as an affirmation of my decision to move. When I spent an hour digging my friend out of the snow in our driveway, I told myself it would be the last winter I would have to do that. When we were late to H's own birthday party because we got stuck in the snow and had to hike to the main road with cupcake carriers, gifts, and party supplies, and have someone pick us up and drive us down the hill, I saw it as confirmation. When I lost phone and Internet for 9 days, and power and water for 5 due to the storms, I told myself it was for the last time. The last winter. And it was.

I bought a house in town. I have traded secluded life on 25 acres for quiet life on an acre and a half. The kids still have plenty of space, but it is more manageable. It is closer to their school, friends and activities. We have space for everything, and everything has a place. We (R took charge of this project) have spent the last several months getting it ready. The week before school got out, we finally started moving in, and last day of school was our first night to sleep over. We are still not completely moved but it is slowly happening.

After 2 years of school not being able to have play dates over, we decided to break in the new house in grand style. I volunteered to have the end of the year first grade party at our new house. For a potluck BBQ of course. It rained. It poured. We had 62 people IN our half finished, half moved in house for 4 hours. It worked, and the kids had a great time. I was happy that H finally got to play hostess to her friends. We kicked it back into high gear and are getting down to the finishing touches. I still have much to go through at the old house. Projects to finish there.

It has been a huge undertaking, but will be so worth it in the end. I am already seeing the changes, in me and the kids. It is easier to live with a grocery store around the corner. It is easier to have a lawn to mow instead of a firebreak to maintain. It is easier to live without so many memories.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Two Years Today....

Two years. 2 years. Today.
 
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