Strength, Integrity, and Societies way....

I finally decided it was time to take the girls to see a therapist. It is something that I have been thinking about for a long time. I spoke to their pediatrician and thought for a long time about how to introduce it. I decided first to see someone myself and see if it would help me to figure out the right time and way. I found someone that was recommended to me and went for several weeks. It was not the right fit. She was a lovely person, full of compassion and a good listener, but she didn't quite get me. She thought the way that I handled my children was "noble", she admired my strength. She believed that not everyone would have "strength" in this situation. I told her that I believed that was their failing not my strength. I believe that people have to buck up and take care of business. If they don't, I think it is selfish and self indulgent. I think when we have children we have a responsibility to them first and foremost. She thought there were people who just weren't capable. I believe they don't want to be capable. I believe that people can "do it" they just don't want to.I believe that this whole phenomenon in our society is a direct result of parents who think it is their job to raise "happy" children instead of raising responsible adults. We aren't always happy, we don't always get what we want, learn some coping skills and get over it. I understand this is not always a popular philosophy, but still one we have always subscribed to wholeheartedly. I tried to help her understand me and how I work, I encouraged her to come here and read what I have written to help her better understand me. She did not, and every time I was there I felt that I had to reinvent the wheel, just having to go over everything that had transpired the weeks before. A kind person, who had empathy for me, but did not understand me. I was reluctant to seek out a new one. It was exhausting to add another chore to my never ending list. D has been nudging me for sometime to give it another try. Earlier it was easy to be lulled into thinking that it could wait, but as time has gone on, and H has had more questions, I decided to give it another go. I called the pediatrician and got a list of names and started working from there. There was the usual few that don't return your calls, that don't treat children as young as mine, the ones that don't take your insurance, and those that have the strangest messages on their answering machines, that make you wonder how they ever get anyone to request a call back. I finally found one who would see the girls and fit the rest of my criteria. It was a bonus that she was also an art therapist. I thought this would work especially well for H. I had the first appointment by myself to make sure that this would work out. When I got to her office, I was nervous that it would be a repeat of the last time. We went into her sitting room, and she started by telling me that she had read almost all of what I had written on the blog. It was a relief that we had a frame of reference and I did not have to spend the entire visit explaining all that has happened. So far so good. The next words made my heart sink "I admire your strength", I thought "oh, no" she is going to tell me how not everyone could do it and it is going to be a repeat of the last time. I will spend all of my time trying to explain myself to someone. But her next words changed my mind. "I admire the commitment you have to maintain the integrity of the family and values that you and your husband created." Yes that is it. Exactly. Maintain whatever part of the structure of our family that I can. Maintain it for the security of my children, for their familiarity, their comfort, their well being. The girls had their first appointment this week, they went together and met in the art studio, they came out happy and chattering with framed self made art work under their arms. They want to go back. They liked her. They liked their studio time. This just might work..........

The Closer you get.......

The Closer You Get (Alabama)

The closer you get, the further I fall
I'll be over the edge now in no time at all
I'm fallin' faster and faster and faster with no time to stall
The closer you get, the further I fall

The things that you say to me
The look on your face
Brings out the man in me
Do I see a trace in your eyes of love

The closer you get, the further I fall
I'll be over the edge now in no time at all
I'm fallin' faster and faster and faster with no time to stall
The closer you get, the further I fall

Could I be dreamin'
Is this really real......

Yes it is REAL! I have in my hot little hand, a copy of the signed agreement to send him to Kentfield!!!!! It has been such a long time coming, a move much needed, for him, for us. The case manager for WC will be contacting Kentfield next week to arrange to have someone from the hospital come down and "meet" him. They will then go back and begin the preparations for his move. They are also arranging to do the CT scan on the way to the new facility so that it will be less confusing for him to be moved around. I am with him now, the girls with K this weekend. He is as always, physically maintaining. His eyes have been very bright, very open and we have spent the afternoon alone in the park. We frequently hear planes overhead and he often stops and cocks his head as if listening to them. I tell him about our life and all that is going on, he often murmers and make sounds appropriate to our conversation. I do not know what is going on in there. I do not know if we will ever have all of the answers that we seek, but we will keep seeking to give him the best opportunities possible. We are still waiting on so many things, so many unknowns. We are still waiting but at least we are waiting with intent. The closer you get.......

Still Waiting......

So we are supposedly getting closer to our move. I was told last week that we were expecting resolution by Friday or Monday at the latest. It was really good to hear that, but then I got home and had a message on my answering machine. This was from the WC Nurse Case manager, and she said she was sure I had already heard that he had been approved for a month at Kentfield but that they could not move him until the latter part of this week. She also went on to say that they were working with the hospital to make the arrangements and would also be arranging the CAT scan. ??????!!!!! Of course this was wonderful news! But I have become jaded by this process and was hesitant to throw myself into the decision, not knowing what else they were going to throw my way. I contacted my attorney and relayed the information that was left on my answering machine. I wanted him to give me confirmation of this decision before I started making plans. That was last Friday. Tomorrow marks a week. He has been trying to get that confirmation for me all week, and still they are dancing around the issue. Still they do not confirm these plans for me. Still they make us wait without a firm plan in place. The one thing that continues to give me hope for the move is Kentfield. They have been requesting his records, charts and tests. It makes me feel that they are preparing for his arrival. Everyone at the hospital in Redding are encouraging us, are hoping for his move. We can feel the tension in the air. Not a bad tension, just a tightness that lets you know something is going to snap soon. It is almost palpable. We are here, we are still waiting.

Have you ever caught a leperchaun?

Every year we make traps to try to catch a leprechaun. He threw himself into this endeavor more than Christmas. He and the girls would have a special evening and make all kinds of traps from simple to elaborate in hopes of catching a leprechaun. They would carefully make the traps and set them all around the house. They would range from an oatmeal can with a set of Lego stairs, to a carefully set up jail that he constructed. They would place something shiny in the trap to entice the leprechaun. The "jail" was a box that he cut windows in and carefully bent wire through to form little bars for the windows. The most elaborate one was a snare trap made from a plastic parachute from one of those army parachute guys that you throw up in the air. He had it rigged to some sort of pulley system attached to the door of the guest bedroom. If you opened the door it would spring the trap and it would rise up to hang from the door frame. His imagination has known no bounds. The hope of course is to catch a leprechaun so he can lead you to his pot of gold. The leprechauns are know around our house for playing naughty tricks on us. They have put green food coloring in our hair while we are sleeping, they have covered us with shamrock stickers, they have tinted the milk and the toilet water green, they sometimes make messes around the house, they have been known to bring us Lucky Charms and then dump them out on the dining room table to make a big mess. The girls are always delighted to see what terrifically naughty things they decide to do from year to year. This year was a different year. S had come to our house to visit us for a few days, and then took the girls back home with her for a few days since they were on spring break. St. Patrick's Day fell during the time that she had them with her. Before I left, I handed over my back of props that I had been collecting; chocolate coins (to put in the sprung traps), green glasses and headbands, lucky charms etc. I knew that she would be able to pull off this little feat as she never does anything in a small way. Sure enough, they were busy making their traps when H had a little meltdown. She was so upset, not being able to remember how Daddy had made them, she wanted them to be just like Daddy's and she was afraid that she had forgotten. S has a way with her and was able to talk to her, and calm her and go on to finish and enjoy the rest of the experience. They were very excited when they returned to tell me all about their adventures, and how they were not successful. H also told me about her meltdown and how she just wanted it to be exactly like the way that Daddy did it, and how she didn't ever want to forget. I held her and reassured her that Daddy would want her to make new traps, and keep improving on the old ones. I told her that Daddy would want her to try new things and to keep trying to outsmart those naughty leprechauns. She processed all of this, and seemed to accept it. We have to keep trying, to be one step ahead, keep moving forward. Just like chasing leprechauns.

The Cost...

The cost. You know that is what it all boils down to. You know that is what they are worried about, what they are trying to mitigate. But there are other costs involved. Costs that are much more valuable than dollars. I often wonder what this time has cost him. If it has cost him time with us, if it has cost him recovery time. Or perhaps it has cost him nothing. There might not be anything left to be done. But those are things that I cannot know without the tests and proper care. I cannot make decisions about the rest of his life without knowing the cost. There are costs I do know. Costs that I can see. I don't know what this time that has been wasted has cost him, but I do know what it has cost us. It has strained the family to the very seams. It has kept everyone in an exaggerated state of tension for such a long time. It has forced us all to watch him, looking for every little sign, with no proof to back them up. I know what it has cost my children to stay in this limbo. I know what it has cost them to live for months without their father, neither being able to grieve or be encouraged. I know what it has cost them. It has cost them their innocence and carefree attitudes. That is a high price. I do not know who thinks they have the right to make these decisions for my family, but I resent it. I do not know if anything will or would have made a difference. I do not know if this time has cost him anything or everything. I know that he deserves the right to find out. That we all deserve that right. That my girls have the right to be given a future. Nothing is certain in this life, we all know that now. But there is security in safety and predictability for all us, but especially for children. They deserve to at least have that. The deserve the right to prepare for their future. The deserve the right to grieve or encourage and to know the time for each. It has cost alot, and the tally keeps going higher and higher as each hour passes. It is a travesty. It is unfathomable and unforgivable. It is a price that should not have been paid. It is a cost too great for small children to bear. They have already paid so much.

Still here, still waiting...

It is Monday morning and we returned last night from another visit with him. The girls had an incredible weekend, full of fun. They went skiing with MAC on Friday since they were out of school. They have picked right up where he left off with them last year. They both ski on their own, no bunny hills for these girls! They ride the lift up and ski down. Both are just like him and love it. They love the snow, the skiing and riding the lift (or swing as they called it). I am so thankful that this is a passion that MAC shares with him, and in fact had spent many days with him and the girls on the mountain. Saturday brought more snow fun, when R & D took them all snow mobiling. They all took turns racing around the meadow and both girls came back with smiles, and a love for a new snow sport. I spent some time at home on Friday getting my house back in order after the previous weeks marathon cupcake baking sessions, the birthday festivities and the random house projects and organizing that I cannot seem to stop no matter how busy I am. I am sure it is some sort of coping mechanism. Then I headed up to see him. I was met at the hospital with more stories of his antics. I was told that he had lifted his leg on command several times in the presence of several people. I was told that he had stuck his tongue out for another nurse. She asked him to do it then, and my heart sunk to my knees when I saw him open his mouth and thrust his tongue out just beyond his teeth. It seems too coincidental that these things keep happening. I know that there would be a certain element of chance, but then isn't there also the possibility that he is doing it intentionally? It is so hard to know, so confusing. And so still we sit, still here, still waiting....

Happy Birthday to Her.....

Saturday was her 6th birthday, and it was celebrated with much fanfare. After our rough previous week, she started to get excited about her big day. On Thursday she got to celebrate with her class, and we made cupcakes with sprinkles, her favorite, and butterfly gift bags for the class. Friday was her big reading recital, and all of the parents went to the class and sat with their children and had their child read to them. E and I went and listened to H read all of her letterbooks that she has been working on all year. I spend hours there helping, and I was still amazed at how much they had produced, and how well they all did. What she wanted most for her birthday was to spend it with her daddy. We came home on Friday to bake another round of cupcakes so we could take them with us to see him. Saturday she was up bright and early, and delighted to find presents, balloons and a banner to greet her at the breakfast table. We gathered our things and headed north. We were blessed with a beautiful sunny day, and were able to have our little party outside. When we got there MB had already brought him the park area. He was waiting with gifts for his big girl. She was happy to open her presents, visit with her dad, play in the sunshine and then decorate cupcakes there on the picnic table. She was happy and excited. We got home that night to bake another round of cupcakes to take with us to her party on Sunday. On Sunday we had our big party at the skating rink. It was her 3rd birthday that we have celebrated there. They were wonderful to us. Are always wonderful, but exceptionally so this year. Went out of their way to make sure we had what we needed and took care of all of the details. (thank you D!) She had a great time. Her class was there with their families, all of our close family and friends, and she was the queen of her own ball. She even received a set of Cinderella's glass slippers for her birthday! After such lows the week before, I was just so glad to see her so happy. To see that she enjoyed herself so much. She is an amazing little person, and I am so proud of her. We came home that night to unpack her bounty, take some time to unwind and yes you guessed it, bake another batch of cupcakes. This time for Dr. Seuss' birthday celebration at school. On Tuesday I cooked and read green eggs and ham four times in classroom stations. It has been another busy week. Alot of work, but worth every minute to see her so happy. Happy and distracted. Happy Birthday to Her....