A black and white girl in a full color world....

I am strong. I am learning to embrace it. I don't know any other way to be than how I am. It is both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because it what gives me clarity, it carries me through. It is also a curse because it is what distances me from people. People seem to think that I have super human strength or that I expect them to be like me, for me. The truth is I do not have super human strength. I just cope with things the only way that I know how. Part of me shuts down and I focus on the details. I compartmentalize, I analyze, and I plan. I have to do this, it is what makes me feel in control when there is nothing in my control. I can control my actions and I can control my reactions. I also have a very strong sense of right and wrong, or black and white. That is the part I do not see as strength, that is the part that just "is" for me. That is the part that I do not doubt. I do not have trouble making a decision. It is either right or it is wrong. I do not have a problem with that, but I know others find it more challenging. I have always known that others find this intimidating. In my work life, I was able to use it to my advantage, but in my personal life it is sometimes more difficult. It causes confusion to even those closest to me. Sometimes people think they have to live to a standard that they think that I am holding. They think that I expect them to be like me. That I need them to be like me. The truth is, I do have high standards of behavior. The truth is that I also understand that everyone does not always think like me. He doesn't. He never has. One of his favorite things to tell me was "it is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission", exasperating yes, but also true. He always knew that if he gave me time to think about things, I would pull them apart in my head and analyze it to death. It would drive me crazy, but it is also why we work. I already am me, I do not need me. There are those wonderful people who are feeling like they are not helping me enough or are failing me in some way, because either they do not know what to do or because they think they cannot be like me. I am me, I do not need me. The people we surround ourselves with help to balance us, to ground us. They give us perspective and temper us. I am so fortunate to have so many people like this around me. They have given me what I need, when I need it. The truth is we all feel helpless. But they have been helpful. They have cared for my children, when I needed a break. They have cared for me when I felt alone. They have offered their support at all hours of the days or nights. They have just sat and talked with me when I felt bottled up with all of the compartments I had been carefully putting aside. They have given me what I need. They have given my children normalacy, entertainment, discipline and love, when what I had to give was not enough. This is what I have needed, this is all I have needed. There is nothing else I need that is anyone elses power to give. I know that some people see me and how I cope and think that I am doing it all, but the truth is there are people behind me. They are holding me up in the ways that I need. They don't know how much they are doing. They think that what they are doing is not enough, but it is everything.