Patience....Again....

It is time to start thinking about decisions. My emotions have been up and down and all over the place. Some days I get so bogged down with what he is not doing that I cannot think of what he is doing. R&D have been my best reminders of this, as I start to feel the weight of the future pressing down on me. They remind me that it has only been 3 months though it seems like an eternity. They also remind me that it has just been 2 months since he has transferred to where he is, and of the condition that he was in when he got there. It is true. Those are big changes. I was reminded again of this on Friday when I was in the pediatrition's office. He asked how he was doing, as people often do. I started to tell him much the same, as "I" often do, then I remembered that the last time the Dr. had seen him was when he was still here at Enloe. I thought of that day when he came in, as I can still see it clearly in my mind. I thought of that roto-bed that he was strpped to, the vent, the tubes, the pic line, the complete stillness of his frame as he lay there in the bed. I stopped myself, and said "well, actually there have been changes" and I told him about the progresses, and the changes he has made. I watched the surprise wash over the Dr.'s face, and he told me that when he had seen us there in the ICU, he never thought he would have gotten a report like that, that we would have made it this far, and to not give up HOPE. It made me remember back to the day that they told me that he would not survive the week, or after that when they said that it would take 3-4 weeks for him to be able to recover from a lung infection, if he was able to recover at all. Three days later it was all but gone. I still do not know what the future holds or where we are headed. I do know that I have to "keep my eye on the prize" which is what I keep reminding him to do. I have to work towards that goal, and not be sidetracked by the events of the day. This is not going to be a sprint, we signed on for the marathon. Of course this is what D has been reminding me of in our "intense fellowship" sessions, but I was reluctanct to accept. I think that I am still learning my lesson about patience. I tend to think "Okay, I accept it...now let's move on to the next thing." Of course that is not what patience is about. Patience for me right now is not about accepting what "is" but about accepting what I do not know and still moving forward. A lesson I am still learning. The kids had a wonderful visit with him on Saturday. He was good. Holding himself up and looking around, watching them. They ran in circles around him, laughing, playing chase, calling out to him. Of course H spent her time on his lap, curled up against her dad, feeling his arms around her. In the time of this uncertainty, in the chaos of the moment, I see this time, her ability to draw strength from him. I see how the rest of the week passes more easily, how she leaves her visits with him, on a high note, more contented. I realize that as difficult as this all is on the rest of us, I would not trade that moment for her. If I get frustrated with the slow progress, I realize that if things had turned out differently, she would not have these moments. If he had not made the progresses that he has made, these moments would not be possible. For that I am grateful. For that I will be patient. Some people don't get that. Some people would give everything to have it. One more hug, to listen to a heart beating under their cheek, to feel a breath rustling their hair. I watch my daughter absorb it, and I realize, now is not the time to know. I am still learning patience, I am still learning to appreciate this moment, to live in this moment.