I Wonder....

I Wonder......
When I was younger I believed, that dreams came true.
Now I wonder.
Cause' I've seen much more dark skies, than blue.
Now I wonder.

I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.

They are starting slow with him, but they are starting. Unfortunately with one step forward there is always at least one step backwards. Today they discovered he has a UTI and they will have to give him IV antibiotics to clear it up. In the meantime they are still trying to decide what to do about the heart to make sure it is stable enough to go through the treatment. The defibrillator (pacemaker) is still on the table and the decision should be made in the next few days. He has been very stable these last months on his medication but they want to make sure it remains stable as he goes through the more aggressive therapies. It has been a tough week on the home front as well. This week in school is all about Dad. I knew there was a "date with dad" at the end of the week, but going into the week, I did not realize that the rest of the week would focus on it as well. I spoke to H in advance about "the date with dad, or other special person" and we talked about how much she will miss him. S offered to step in for him, and she is excited to take him to school and show him around, and have special time with him. The last two days we have not had as much enthusiasm. Her allergies are in full force and she has dark circles under her little eyes. She is sneezing all over the place and I can tell her little head is full. This only makes her more sensitive. I have watched the melancholy come back to her this week.At school there were stories about dad, sharing was about dad,journaling about dad, and stations that revolved around dad. It was a little too close to home this week and I could see her feeling it. I watched her become more clingy and fussier. I saw her gaze drift and knew in her mind she was a million miles away. I kept her busy this week, very busy. They had lots of things to do and look forward to but still there is always something missing, and no one is more aware of it than her. Then we have the other child, she is "lucky ladybug of the week" in her class, and she has patiently waited all school year for her turn. She is on cloud 9, she is so excited, and she has the whole routine all down pat. She knows what is going to happen at school, she knows she gets to share every day, and she is very focused. The first night she brought home the special ladybug backpack, I went into their room to check on them and make sure they were tucked in. I noticed that E was not in her bed. I first thought she was in with H, but after rooting around for her, a feeling of panic set in and I made a cursory check of H's bed to see if she was in with her sister. I could not find her there so I ran down to my room to check and see if she went to my bed. She was not there. I was really starting to feel the stress and ran back to the girls room to check again. I rechecked both girls beds, then started to search around the room. I finally got to the closet and found her there on the floor in her little footie jammies with her head on the ladybug backpack, sound asleep. I picked her up and carried her back to bed. In the morning I asked her what she was doing in the closet with the ladybug. She told me she was showing the ladybug her clothes so they could pick out her outfit for school. So on one hand I have this child. This sweet child who so patiently waited for her turn with the ladybug backpack. And on the other, I have the other child. Also sweet, but also sensitive. It has been another week of riding the roller coaster and trying to find a balance. I wonder when it will get easier.....

When I was younger I believed, that dreams came true.
Now I wonder.
Cause' I've seen much more dark skies, than blue.
Now I wonder.

I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.

I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.

When I was younger I believed, that I could win.
Now I wonder.
There was a time when you and I, walked hand & hand.
Now I wonder.

I keep on searching for the old me, I keep on thinking I can change.
I keep on hoping for a new day, will I ever feel the same?
Now I wonder.
Oh I wonder.
Now I wonder.

(Chris Issac)