The Thirteenth Year.

Today is our 13th anniversary, this past year being the 13th year of our marriage. If I was not superstitous before, this year has not inclined me towards the number thirteen. H asked me recently about our wedding "ball" and I pulled out our pictures and let the girls look through them, seeing us as we were and so many other familiar faces. They were delighted to compare us all then and now. Daddy didn't have any facial hair, but uncle S had a moustache! I let them each choose a picture to keep out for themselves. We have a few of the formal posed ones in the hall at the house, but they each chose a candid shot of the day. In the past weeks, those photos have found their way to tea parties, the trampoline, a picnic basket, and a trip the the beach among others. It is interesting for me to observe, and think back to that day and those two people standing there, having no idea how this life would unfold for them. The innocence. The anticipation. The love. The dreams. Some dreams have come true, as I see the picture of their dad and I propped up next to a naked barbie, an oversize tea cup in front of it, a small child happily chattering away to them both. And some have been undeniably crushed. I remember that couple, not quite kids but still not quite grown, making their plans, thinking of their future and celebrating life. I think of the song we danced to, and how it seemed that we had forever stretching out in front of us...

I'll always remember the song they were playin',
The first time we danced and I knew,
As we swayed to the music and held to each other,
I fell in love with you.

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?

I'll always remember that magic moment,
When I held you close to me.
'Cause we moved together, I knew forever,
You're all I'll ever need

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
(anne murray)

I never thought that time would pass so quickly, that days could seem so excrutiatingly long. I never thought I would be a mother, whose children's father never saw a single day of their school life. I never thought the thirteenth year would be life shattering. Forever altering. I have spent the last two days with him, and as with every milestone, it makes me emotional. It makes me so deeply sad. This was not our plan, the life we laid out together. This is not even a speed bump. This is irrecvocable, a wound that will never heal. I knew there would be hard times, life would be difficult. and I still signed on.

These times are troubled and these times are good
And they're always gonna be, they rise and they fall
We take 'em all the way that we should
Together you and me forsaking them all
Deep in the night and by the light of day
It always looks the same, true love always does
And here by your side, or a million miles away
Nothin's ever gonna change the way that I feel,
The way it is, is the way that it was

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Well this old world keeps changin', and the world stays the same
For all who came before, and it goes hand and hand
Only you and I can undo all that we became
That makes us so much more, than a woman and a man
And after everything that comes and goes around
Has only passed us by, here alone in our dreams
I know there's a lonely heart in every lost and found
But forever you and I will be the ones
Who found out what forever means

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Truer than true, you know that I'll always be there for you
That's what I had in mind, that's what I had in mind,
When I said I do
(clint black)