Hitting the ground running.....

I am sure it is no surprise that we can back from the big "D" only to hit the ground running. Time is running out in both preschool and kindergarten. There are festivities to plan, projects to finish, a dance recital pending, so many things on the horizon. We came home to the eye of the storm. Of course I came over to see him as soon as we got back. He remains comfortable and relaxed. It is a good place for him to be, a place where they try to find out what is going on in that hard head of his. They actively work to make him comfortable and isolate potential problems and things that will impede progress. This is what they do, and that is comforting. It is easier to be further away, when see the abilities of the staff. Easier, comforting, in some ways, but of course the realities of the situation are neither of those adjectives. I am a person who stays the course. I believe in the big picture, but not getting too far ahead of myself. I believe in determination, both his and mine. I choose everyday to keep moving forward, to continue to make this life for my children, the best that it can be given the circumstances. Someone not too long ago, questioned my decision to have them participate in so many activites right now. Why would I commit myself to school, ballet, swimming lessons, and t-ball, all on top of the household, the yard, the finances, the business, and my time with him. The questions are difficult but the answers are simple. It is their time. This is their childhood. The only one they are going to have. It has been irrevocably marred by this horrible tragedy. There is nothing I can do to change that. These last months, they have missed out on something so important, they don't deserve to be sitting in a grieving house too. They have to learn to be resiliant, to overcome, not to wallow. The life skill H's class has been working on all year is being "flexible". It is a concept she has come to grasp. All of these things have made it harder on me. They take more time, energy and resources, sometimes I am tired, lose my patience. The reward is that they are thriving. They are learning teamwork, communication, dedication, persiverence, friendship, and other life skills. They are learning that we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get back up on that horse. It isn't easy, often exhausting, but it is the right thing. Of course this does not mean that we all do not have our moments. Even me. I try not to let my mind take me much further than this week or the end of next. I try to stay focused, but there are times, especially when I am alone with him, that the pain of the situation creeps up on me. More like crashes over me. It is always there threatening to creep, and something will happen and it will swell up and wash over me, a huge flood of emotion. Mother's day, was a day like that for me. The girls were with their grandparents and I was alone at his bedside. Of course one could not help but compare the day to Mother's Days past. There were no muffled whispers from the other room, no paper crowns, or lumpy packages with hand drawn wrapping paper. It was just he and I, and only one of us was talking. That was a day when I felt the weight of it crash over me, and anchor me to the floor. I sat with him and cried. I lay my head on his shoulder and I took the comfort I could from his shoulder. I let myself be unhappy, angry, sad, heart broken, frustrated and sorry for myself. Then I got up. I kissed him goodbye, packed up for the drive home, and prepared for the next week, to hit the ground running......