14 years...

I remember exactly where I was 14 years ago today and what I was wearing... We were young, full of excitement, hopes and dreams. Yet we had already been dating 8 years so we had an understanding and an expectation of who the other person was. I knew him to be steady and sure, loyal, honest, hard working, fun loving, humorous, and always my rock. I knew that above all else he would always be there for me. He made me safe, loved, and right. He brought me laughter, strength, truth, frustration, peace and wisdom.

I knew all those things when I walked down the aisle in my handsewn white dress. What I didn't know was that I would only have 12 short years before it all was gone and what a huge hole in my life it would leave. I have spent the last 2 years holding together the ragged edges of the fabric of our lives and trying to mend them. Everyday is another stitch in time, a little darn to the fabric. It is taking on a new shape, not the one we originally set out to make but still a comforting quilt the girls can wrap themselves up in.

I think of our dreams, the ones fufilled, the ones that will never be. I am thankful that the best of those hopes, dreams and wishes are reflected in two little faces that grow so much each day. I think of all the things I was given in the last 22 years. I realize now that time was not to be one of them.

I was up at midnight with my reflections, watching the clock, knowing that today would come. I have felt it coming all week. Felt the waves of emotions lapping at my core. I spent Sunday with him, sitting, quietly reminding him of that day 14 years ago.

I wouldn't have missed the dance.....

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

-garth brooks