In Her Daddy's Shoes...

Do you recognize those green eyes? How about that wide infectious smile? They are his, and she did him proud as she does every day. She ran her daddy's "birthday race", she greeted everyone we knew (and many we didn't) with cheers and high 5's as we were on the trail. She is amazing.

Victory is ours!

Well perhaps that is a tad melodramatic, but we are victorious because we all made it across the finish line! This year we had 5 registered 3 person teams, 3 registered solos, several of the team members did two legs of the race (their second leg just for fun)and one did the whole race for fun. We also had several others come out and walk the 4.5 miles with the girls and I. It was a great day. It was amazing. R, D & the Mehoffs joined us, and showed up with an amazing amount of food, which we all appreciated! He would have loved to have been there. We all had our shirts on, and every time we passed one of our shirts out there, we had big cheers. We had one team place 3rd in their category, we won an award for having the biggest "family" represented, we got a medal for the youngest registered participant (10 years old and he did the bike and the run! Although next year he will have competition as H ran the whole run as an unregistered participant!) and our star of the day G who did the entire triathlon (for the first time!) and won her category, but we all won that day. We all went out there in spite of all of the obstacles of the last year and we finished. I was listening to H & E talk about something the other day, and E said "well my daddy always says try, try again, and do your best". We did. We did our best. He would be proud.

We're off to see the Tinman....

We are leaving right after school tomorrow to head up for the triathlon. The race will be Sunday morning, but we will spend a little time enjoying the cooler weather and just relaxing before the big day. We are excited to have a great group of teams and several solo participants as well. We will bring out our shirts and have a good show. The girls know that we are going to do the race again for daddy. They are excited. They associate it with his birthday. They think the whole triathlon is a celebration of his birthday. We will all celebrate for him, doing something that he loved with people he loved. I haven't had much time for regular training, but am hoping the leaf blowing and weedeating that I have been doing, will be enough to get me over the finish line. MAC is coming down to swim for my team again so I figure she is my ace in the hole! We are packed. We are ready. We are off to see the Tinman....... See you there!

Still Standing..

The last two weeks have been busy ones. I feel like I am always saying that. The pace of life seems to have picked up so much, there is never enough time to fit it all in. Perhaps it is also as I tell the girls "Mommy has all the jobs to do right now". My jobs, his jobs and everyone else's jobs as it seems no one does their job any more. Some things have started to change for which I am grateful. Someone spoke to the SO on my behalf and made them aware of what was going on at the county. This ripple caused someone with a little more muscle than I have, to become involved. He has been able to get ahold of the people who have avoided my calls, and they have to have answers for him. Oh there is still bureaucracy, but things are starting to move forward and I think they understand that their actions are being observed. I really appreciate that. I suppose that knowing that they were causing me more stress and grief was not enough of an incentive to do the right thing, but knowing that others are holding them accountable was. I have finally been informed that they are moving forward with his retirement. I am not sure when it will all be in place, but at last I have been enlightened as to their intentions. There are many other factors still in play. I am at least expecting to be informed as the process moves forward. I spent a glorious day last week being deposed by the naughty people. It is excruciating sitting across the table from 3 lawyers while they probe the details of your life. Asking you ridiculous questions like "do your children have any effects from this event?" Words cannot express the profound impact this has made on their lives, on all of our lives. But the obvious answer is not good enough, they want to watch the emotion flood over you, they want to dissect your every move and response. They want to challenge you, your memories and your life. Seven hours of fun. Driving home to make it just in time for back to school night. Then off the next day to go and see him. Spend the weekend with him, then back in time for school. And then it starts over again. I am sure we will establish a new routine. H is still getting used to full day school, it is much more of a transition than I thought it would be. Kindergarten, I now realize was much a world of it's own, but first grade is a whole new deal. The first few days she came home looking like a victim of PTSD. She is adapting, slowly. She likes it, but so much change challenges her. She is talking about missing him alot again. How can she not miss him when things are challenging, he was her knight in shining armour, bigger than life, her daddy. And so we cycle back around again. Every night with the anticipation of the new day and the new challenge, brings up his loss. When she gets into bed, and is finally alone with her thoughts, I see the sadness reflected in her eyes. I would give everything to be able to take that away for her. E jumped right into preschool, it being so familiar to her. She lives so much more in the here and now, is more connected to me. It is a double edged sword. On one hand such a relief to be able to spare her some of the pain, but on the other hand, the deep sadness that her memories will not be as vivid. We are making a path, two steps forward, one step back. But at least we are still standing.

The Coward of the County...

Yep. Still nothing. No phone calls. No e-mails. No letters. Nothing. Nada. They have not contacted me in form to address my questions. How glorious. It is amazing to me that they still hold their heads up, while committing such a gross neglect to the family of an officer of this county. Not even return my calls. Not even send me a letter if they were too cowardly to speak to me on the phone.

Everyone considered him the coward of the county.
He never stood one single time to prove the county wrong.
His mama named him Tommy, the folks just called him yellow,
Something always told me they were reading Tommy wrong.

He was only ten years old when his daddy died in prison.
I looked after Tommy 'cause he was my brothers son.
I still recall the final words my brother said to Tommy:

"Son, my life is over, but yours is just begun.

Promise me, son, not to do the things I've done.
Walk away from trouble if you can.
It won't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek.
I hope you're old enough to understand:

Son, you don't have to fight to be a man!"

There's someone for evr'yone and tommy's love is Becky.
In her arms he didn't have to prove he was a man.
One day while he was workin' the Gatlin boys came callin'.
They took turns at Becky... there was three of them!

Tommy opened up the door and saw his Becky cryin'.
The torn dress, the shattered look was more than he could stand.
He reached above the fireplace and took down his daddy's picture.
As the tears fell on his daddy's face, He heard these words again:

"Promise me, son, not to do the things I've done.
Walk away from trouble if you can.
Now It won't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek.
I hope you're old enough to understand:

Son, you don't have to fight to be a man!"

The Gatlin boys just laughed at him, when he walked into the barroom.
One of them got up and met him halfway 'cross the floor.
When Tommy turned around they said, Hey look! ol yellows leavin'.
But you coulda heard a pin drop when tommy stopped and locked the door.

Twenty years of crawlin' was bottled up inside him.
He wasn't holdin' nothin' back; he let 'em have it all.
When tommy left the barroom not a Gatlin boy was standin'.
He said, this ones for Becky, as he watched the last one fall.

Twenty years of crawlin' was bottled up inside him.
He wasn't holdin' nothin' back; he let 'em have it all.
When tommy left the barroom not a Gatlin boy was standin'.
He said, this ones for Becky, as he watched the last one fall.

And I heard him say,

"I promised you, dad, not to do the things you've done.
I walk away from trouble when I can.
Now please don't think I'm weak, I didn't turn the other cheek,
And papa, I sure hope you understand:

Sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man".

Kenny Rogers-

The Tinman

Summer is ending, school is beginning. I ended the last weeks of summer by first getting my first ever case of poison oak. My eyes swollen shut, arms, legs, covered. I tried all of the over the counter aids, nothing worked, as I slowly watched myself swell like a balloon. I finally went to immediate care and got the shot. Good choice. If I ever look at poison oak again, I am going down and getting the shot. I recommend the shot. I love the shot. Cleared up enough to drive over to see him, only to come home to the stomach flu. Now that I am at the end of that one, it is time to get some walking in for the Tinman. Yes we are doing it again. Not as much fanfare as last year, I think it snuck up on all of us, but I think we have 5 relay teams and 3 soloists signed up. (I think the Mehoff family will be there too, not in the count) MAC is coming down from Portland to swim for us again, and we will again break out our shirts and celebrate him. His life and his love of life. An important thing for his girls and for all of us to be reminded of. So if you are there, come and see us. We won't be hard to miss.

School is Here!

It has been a busy summer. I can't believe that school is about to start. It just doesn't seem possible that another school year is starting and he won't be there. H is going into first grade. She is excited, thrilled, and can't wait to be back with all of her friends. E moves onto another year of preschool, this time with N as her teacher and she is equally exicted. Of course I am excited for them. I happy that someone else will have a turn to entertain them, as they have their father's energy and it can be exhausting being the only one on deck. Especially H, she has her father's blue green eyes, his smile, his quickness to laugh, and also his relentless energy. She literally bounces down the hall, cannot stand still and have a conversation with me, watches TV by bouncing herself like a pinball off the livingroom furniture. Something I know all too well. I lived with it for the last 20 years. A friend once called me and during the course of our conversation, she asked where Eric was. I told her I had locked him outside. "Locked him outside??" She was confused. "Locked him outside!" I confirmed. I told him that he had to play outside for awhile, because I was getting ready for company and he was bouncing off the walls in the house driving me nuts. Oh he ran from door to door making faces for awhile, before giving up and finding something else to entertain him. Now I am raising his daughter without his help. She is him. Entertaining, infectious, happy, athletic, outgoing, amazing.