Braxton Hicks...

Those false labor pains you can get when pregnant... They feel like the real thing, so much so that many an expectant mother has ended up at the hospital only to be turned away with the inevitable "false alarm". Braxton Hicks, false alarm....leads me to why I am sitting on my living room sofa instead of a hospital room in the bay area. I spent all evening getting ready for my trip, making plans for the girls, getting the house in order, doing the laundry, the dishes, writing out detailed daily activity logs, just make sure I had all the bases covered. I arranged for pick ups, drop offs and back ups. This morning I got up early to finish my orders, to pack the car and make sure I had my addresses and phone numbers at the ready. The girls were dressed, the lunches and backpacks packed and then I got the first call. "we may have a problem." There was some waiting, some phone calls back and forth before we finally got the official word for the day. The bed at Kentfield did not open today, so we go back to being on red alert. We are shooting for tomorrow, again. Hoping.

TOMORROW< CONFIRMED!

I just got a message that he moves tomorrow morning at 09:00am! They have scheduled transport to pick him up then and start the journey to Kentfield! I am moving forward with plans for the girl as I plan to stay with him thru Sunday. FINALLY! Tomorrow, Tomorrow, We'll move him tomorrow, we're only a day aaaawaaay......

Any day now....

The girls and I got back from our trip over to the coast. We had a really nice time. A pretty quiet time, but quiet is really what we needed. The first day we spent most of it hanging around the house and watching movies. H spiked a little fever and seemed tired but otherwise had no symptoms. She perked up by the next day and was racing around again by yesterday. Saturday brought our busiest day with time for shopping in Mendocino, an afternoon playing in the waves at Caspar and some scenic exploring in Little River. We were fortunate enough to stay in a lovely house in the Redwoods, and the kids had an amazing easter egg hunt in the midst of a small clearing surrounded by huge redwood trees, it was gorgeous and they had a great time running around trying to find all of the eggs. We got back last night to snow flurries. Just enough to be bothersome while I was trying to unload two kidlets and all of our stuff from the car, but by morning it was pretty much gone. The girls slept in a little this morning, and then we headed up to see him. He was tired when the girls were there and slept in his chair, they went home with Nana while I stayed with him for a few more hours. We got his hair cut and moustache groomed in anticipation of his big move.He woke up and we watched CSI and did our bills. I still take them with me every month and talk to him about the expenses as I write out the checks. We are literally waiting for the phone call. It can be any day now. As soon as a bed opens up he is moving. They have transport standing by. I have my bag packed and in the car. Any day now.....

Red Alert.....

This has been a crazy week. They all are it seems. Maybe that is just to be the way of our life for awhile longer. I finally got the long anticipated signed agreement to send him to Kentfield. Which was a huge relief, but it put us on red alert. Red alert because he is moving as soon as they have a bed available. I got the call on Monday that a bed might be available Wednesday and to be prepared in case. I frantically ran around trying to get all of my ducks in a row, while maintaining the girls regular schedule. S came up to stay with me for a couple of days so that I could get all of my orders out and the all the details worked out for the girls.I packed a bag and put it in the truck, much like when I was pregnant. The bag packed, waiting for the call. Ready to go at a moments notice. Of course when Wednesday rolls around, the bed is not available so he is not moving yet. The bag is still in the truck. When I spoke to the NCM she did not think it would be until the beginning of next week now that it is a holiday weekend. So I switched gears again, and kept to my original plan for Easter weekend. We came over to the coast with K & C. It was where we spent last Easter and several before that. I made sure the NCM had my contact information so that if anything changes, I can go off to Kentfield from here and meet up with him there. But for now we are here relaxing, remaining on red alert, but trying to give the girls a memory. A good memory. We are in a different place this year, as the memories are strong, and he is everywhere with us. The girls have been excited, wanting to come over, but still when I picked up H from school, after the big grins, there was a silence. H said "I really want to go to the beach, but it won't be the same without Daddy." No it won't, I agreed. He leaves such a big void, it hard not to step in it. You turn around and it is there. He makes everything fun, finds humor in everything. His mind is always working, it is hard to believe that it might not be working for him now. That he is not thinking ahead, trying to find his intro. We are here and he is there, and we miss him. It is good to be here, good to be away. It is raining and misty in the redwoods but we are all here together, playing games, kids piled up watching movies, cooking good food and enjoying each others company. I know this is where he would want us to be. We miss him, we are waiting. We are still on red alert...anytime now.

Strength, Integrity, and Societies way....

I finally decided it was time to take the girls to see a therapist. It is something that I have been thinking about for a long time. I spoke to their pediatrician and thought for a long time about how to introduce it. I decided first to see someone myself and see if it would help me to figure out the right time and way. I found someone that was recommended to me and went for several weeks. It was not the right fit. She was a lovely person, full of compassion and a good listener, but she didn't quite get me. She thought the way that I handled my children was "noble", she admired my strength. She believed that not everyone would have "strength" in this situation. I told her that I believed that was their failing not my strength. I believe that people have to buck up and take care of business. If they don't, I think it is selfish and self indulgent. I think when we have children we have a responsibility to them first and foremost. She thought there were people who just weren't capable. I believe they don't want to be capable. I believe that people can "do it" they just don't want to.I believe that this whole phenomenon in our society is a direct result of parents who think it is their job to raise "happy" children instead of raising responsible adults. We aren't always happy, we don't always get what we want, learn some coping skills and get over it. I understand this is not always a popular philosophy, but still one we have always subscribed to wholeheartedly. I tried to help her understand me and how I work, I encouraged her to come here and read what I have written to help her better understand me. She did not, and every time I was there I felt that I had to reinvent the wheel, just having to go over everything that had transpired the weeks before. A kind person, who had empathy for me, but did not understand me. I was reluctant to seek out a new one. It was exhausting to add another chore to my never ending list. D has been nudging me for sometime to give it another try. Earlier it was easy to be lulled into thinking that it could wait, but as time has gone on, and H has had more questions, I decided to give it another go. I called the pediatrician and got a list of names and started working from there. There was the usual few that don't return your calls, that don't treat children as young as mine, the ones that don't take your insurance, and those that have the strangest messages on their answering machines, that make you wonder how they ever get anyone to request a call back. I finally found one who would see the girls and fit the rest of my criteria. It was a bonus that she was also an art therapist. I thought this would work especially well for H. I had the first appointment by myself to make sure that this would work out. When I got to her office, I was nervous that it would be a repeat of the last time. We went into her sitting room, and she started by telling me that she had read almost all of what I had written on the blog. It was a relief that we had a frame of reference and I did not have to spend the entire visit explaining all that has happened. So far so good. The next words made my heart sink "I admire your strength", I thought "oh, no" she is going to tell me how not everyone could do it and it is going to be a repeat of the last time. I will spend all of my time trying to explain myself to someone. But her next words changed my mind. "I admire the commitment you have to maintain the integrity of the family and values that you and your husband created." Yes that is it. Exactly. Maintain whatever part of the structure of our family that I can. Maintain it for the security of my children, for their familiarity, their comfort, their well being. The girls had their first appointment this week, they went together and met in the art studio, they came out happy and chattering with framed self made art work under their arms. They want to go back. They liked her. They liked their studio time. This just might work..........

The Closer you get.......

The Closer You Get (Alabama)

The closer you get, the further I fall
I'll be over the edge now in no time at all
I'm fallin' faster and faster and faster with no time to stall
The closer you get, the further I fall

The things that you say to me
The look on your face
Brings out the man in me
Do I see a trace in your eyes of love

The closer you get, the further I fall
I'll be over the edge now in no time at all
I'm fallin' faster and faster and faster with no time to stall
The closer you get, the further I fall

Could I be dreamin'
Is this really real......

Yes it is REAL! I have in my hot little hand, a copy of the signed agreement to send him to Kentfield!!!!! It has been such a long time coming, a move much needed, for him, for us. The case manager for WC will be contacting Kentfield next week to arrange to have someone from the hospital come down and "meet" him. They will then go back and begin the preparations for his move. They are also arranging to do the CT scan on the way to the new facility so that it will be less confusing for him to be moved around. I am with him now, the girls with K this weekend. He is as always, physically maintaining. His eyes have been very bright, very open and we have spent the afternoon alone in the park. We frequently hear planes overhead and he often stops and cocks his head as if listening to them. I tell him about our life and all that is going on, he often murmers and make sounds appropriate to our conversation. I do not know what is going on in there. I do not know if we will ever have all of the answers that we seek, but we will keep seeking to give him the best opportunities possible. We are still waiting on so many things, so many unknowns. We are still waiting but at least we are waiting with intent. The closer you get.......

Still Waiting......

So we are supposedly getting closer to our move. I was told last week that we were expecting resolution by Friday or Monday at the latest. It was really good to hear that, but then I got home and had a message on my answering machine. This was from the WC Nurse Case manager, and she said she was sure I had already heard that he had been approved for a month at Kentfield but that they could not move him until the latter part of this week. She also went on to say that they were working with the hospital to make the arrangements and would also be arranging the CAT scan. ??????!!!!! Of course this was wonderful news! But I have become jaded by this process and was hesitant to throw myself into the decision, not knowing what else they were going to throw my way. I contacted my attorney and relayed the information that was left on my answering machine. I wanted him to give me confirmation of this decision before I started making plans. That was last Friday. Tomorrow marks a week. He has been trying to get that confirmation for me all week, and still they are dancing around the issue. Still they do not confirm these plans for me. Still they make us wait without a firm plan in place. The one thing that continues to give me hope for the move is Kentfield. They have been requesting his records, charts and tests. It makes me feel that they are preparing for his arrival. Everyone at the hospital in Redding are encouraging us, are hoping for his move. We can feel the tension in the air. Not a bad tension, just a tightness that lets you know something is going to snap soon. It is almost palpable. We are here, we are still waiting.