14 years...

I remember exactly where I was 14 years ago today and what I was wearing... We were young, full of excitement, hopes and dreams. Yet we had already been dating 8 years so we had an understanding and an expectation of who the other person was. I knew him to be steady and sure, loyal, honest, hard working, fun loving, humorous, and always my rock. I knew that above all else he would always be there for me. He made me safe, loved, and right. He brought me laughter, strength, truth, frustration, peace and wisdom.

I knew all those things when I walked down the aisle in my handsewn white dress. What I didn't know was that I would only have 12 short years before it all was gone and what a huge hole in my life it would leave. I have spent the last 2 years holding together the ragged edges of the fabric of our lives and trying to mend them. Everyday is another stitch in time, a little darn to the fabric. It is taking on a new shape, not the one we originally set out to make but still a comforting quilt the girls can wrap themselves up in.

I think of our dreams, the ones fufilled, the ones that will never be. I am thankful that the best of those hopes, dreams and wishes are reflected in two little faces that grow so much each day. I think of all the things I was given in the last 22 years. I realize now that time was not to be one of them.

I was up at midnight with my reflections, watching the clock, knowing that today would come. I have felt it coming all week. Felt the waves of emotions lapping at my core. I spent Sunday with him, sitting, quietly reminding him of that day 14 years ago.

I wouldn't have missed the dance.....

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

-garth brooks

In the know, the down low, and on the go, go......

I have been sadly neglectful of this blog lately. It isn't that I haven't though of posting, or that the words that I would say, haven't run through my mind like a ticker tape. I could say that I have been busy, and it would be true. I could say that I have been concentrating on some big changes and it would also be true. But the real reason, the nuts and bolts of it boils down to something more simple. I haven't wanted to. I haven't wanted to explore my own feelings. I have been content to wrap myself in the protective fabric of my projects, my life, the girls, and everything else. I have let it numb me from my feelings, I have let it be a filter for me.

The last months have brought change again to my door, and then I invited it in. The girls have been busy. H had her t-ball season, we games, practices, and lessons. Swimming lessons, birthday parties, lost teeth, first grade, our last year of preschool, field trips, working in the classroom and on and on and on. But the biggest change these months have brought is my decision to move. After 12 years we are moving off of our mountain and down to be closer to town.

Once I made the decision, I looked at the rest of winter as an affirmation of my decision to move. When I spent an hour digging my friend out of the snow in our driveway, I told myself it would be the last winter I would have to do that. When we were late to H's own birthday party because we got stuck in the snow and had to hike to the main road with cupcake carriers, gifts, and party supplies, and have someone pick us up and drive us down the hill, I saw it as confirmation. When I lost phone and Internet for 9 days, and power and water for 5 due to the storms, I told myself it was for the last time. The last winter. And it was.

I bought a house in town. I have traded secluded life on 25 acres for quiet life on an acre and a half. The kids still have plenty of space, but it is more manageable. It is closer to their school, friends and activities. We have space for everything, and everything has a place. We (R took charge of this project) have spent the last several months getting it ready. The week before school got out, we finally started moving in, and last day of school was our first night to sleep over. We are still not completely moved but it is slowly happening.

After 2 years of school not being able to have play dates over, we decided to break in the new house in grand style. I volunteered to have the end of the year first grade party at our new house. For a potluck BBQ of course. It rained. It poured. We had 62 people IN our half finished, half moved in house for 4 hours. It worked, and the kids had a great time. I was happy that H finally got to play hostess to her friends. We kicked it back into high gear and are getting down to the finishing touches. I still have much to go through at the old house. Projects to finish there.

It has been a huge undertaking, but will be so worth it in the end. I am already seeing the changes, in me and the kids. It is easier to live with a grocery store around the corner. It is easier to have a lawn to mow instead of a firebreak to maintain. It is easier to live without so many memories.

Two Years Today....

Two years. 2 years. Today.

Falling Behind...

I have been falling behind in my blog posts as I have been reminded on several occassions lately. It is not that nothing has been happening, but rather that so much has been happening. Unfortunately just not with him. He has settled into his new enviornment and they are learning about him. They are trying to make him as comfortable as possible and are trying some new things with him. Some new approaches to his physical therapy and some new medications. So far things remain much the same. It has been a relief, not having to drive to the bay area, and staying with S&S has been wonderful, comfortable and normal. A nice change of pace. The girls have gotten to see him at their whim, for as long as they like. This has been a good thing, but also a reckoning. I think for them, while they wanted to see him, and asked about him, the distance also gave them a buffer from the situation. I have noticed a change in H on her recent visits. She is no longer the giddy cheerleader, bouncing in, trying to elicit a reaction. She has become more somber. More contemplative in her visits. Some have asked me what or if I tell them of his pronosis, but I have elected to let them lead. To let things take their natural progression. I knew that she would start to question, start to come to terms with the reality. She has. She has not given up hope, but the frenzy has subsided. She visits him, and looks into his eyes and talks to him, but she comes away with resignation. It is a hard thing to watch. It was inevitable but still a hard thing for a parent to watch in their child. I try very hard to balance their lives in other ways. To be so young and have to deal with something so grave, robs them of an innocense. I have tried to focus their energies instead on honoring thier father by doing the things that he would want and expect them to be doing. It is still hard, but it is time to start moving forward, to think about the future. Not leaving him behind, but in the ways that we can carry him with us, so that he continues on. We still hope for the best and continue to research and provide the best opportunities that we can, but life is not standing still. My children have not stopped growing. I have to keep moving forward for them, and reminding them of the best parts of him. The things that are not lying in that bed, his love, his laugh, and his spirit that lives on in them every single day. So we are moving ahead, trying to find new things to look forward to, continuing to surround ourselves with our family and friends. Moving ahead, even when feeling like I am falling behind.

To everything, turn, turn, turn....

There is a season. It has been another busy couple of weeks. As I said before, it is amazing to spend a year and a half emotionally raw and fighting every day. Eventually you build up calluses. I was starting to feel numb to the routine. Putting one foot in front of the other and juggling my balls in a pattern that I had become familiar with, then they were plucked out of my hands and tossed up in the air to settle into a new pattern. Some legal issues are almost settled, he has been retired, officially. WC declared their intentions. I finally got the answers to my burning questions about health insurance. With one answer, it seems a new question is generated. I have new questions on the horizon, some that may never be answered. I fought for all of those months to have him placed in the brain injury program, to give him the opportunity that he deserved. That process became it's own adventure. The drug therapy, the defibrillator operation....and then the abrupt transfer to Fairfax. The one without my request or consent. I grew to like and appreciate the facility and the staff, but the drive was killing me. 4 hours each way. I had to farm my kids out every weekend. We had no down time at home, the girls and I. We would run all week for school, activities, etc. then drop everything, be gone all weekend, get home Sunday night, and start the week behind. Play catch up all week in between ferrying the girls around and still never get anything done. It was killing me. I am sure I have not been much fun to live with. A little over a week ago I got word that a bed was available in the sister facility to the one he is currently in. It is more like a group home than a hospital. It is a home-like environment, 6 beds. They have speech therapy, physical therapy and occupational therapy on site. It is not as shiny and new as the one he has been in (although there are plans for a remodel) but it has the same amenities, the therapies, the whirlpool bath, home environment. He moved on Thursday. The day before the Halloween Carnival, for which I was the coordinator for our class. Right before Halloween weekend when the girls were so excited. So I spent Thursday getting him settled, Friday back at school, Saturday took the girls to see him, Sunday back home for Halloween, Monday back to school. Whew. It will take some getting used to. A new collection of staff to become familiar with. For them to learn about him and us. The best part? It is just outside of Roseville 90minutes away! S lives less than 10 minutes from him! We can stay with her. The girls can see him. The facility sits on 5.5 acres and has rolling lawns and a duck pond. It has a paved driveway where they can ride their bikes to show their dad. It has a long covered patio, where the girls spent hours drawing pictures for him with sidewalk chalk. It has a little porch swing, where they swung and dangled their legs and called out to him, giggling as they did. They can come with me. I can have dinner with them in the evening and put them to bed. If something happens when I am home, I can be there in 90 minutes or S can be there in 10. That is a good thing. The rest we will have to work out. There will be change. Some good, some not good. We will have to forge on and make a path. We will do our best. That is what I tell the girls when they look at me and tell me how much they miss him. I say "I miss him too, more than anything. But what would Daddy want us to do? Our Best. He would expect us to do our best each day."

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time of war, a time of peace
A time of love, a time of hate
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late!

Falling into Fall...

The last weeks have been a blur of life and legalities as some of the battle of the last year and a half are finding resolution. Of course, these things would all conspire to occupy the same time period. When I have felt the enormous weight of it all, I keep telling myself to plow through, to keep treading water. I am sure that a month from now, when some of these issues are at long last off of my plate, I will be glad they are over instead of lamenting their timing. I admit it is bittersweet, these resolutions. To know that some battles are over, that we have won them, should feel like a relief. On the other hand, those fights have claimed the empty hours of my thoughts, have kept me focused and on task. They have forced me into a strict routine, to keep to a deliberate plan. To be freed of these weights should bring a sense of peace. I am sure it will with time. My first feelings were of emptiness, of my world dropping off again. When you are juggling this many balls it should be a relief to have one removed, but I felt the loss. I felt his loss. I suppose it all really goes back to the way I deal with things and process life. When our world was irrevocably altered, I made a plan. I looked ahead to the possibilities, and made a plan. I thought of my goals, and what I would need to do to get there. I thought long term, and as new balls were bounced into my lap, I thought about where every one of them should be in the line up, and how they would help or hinder my process to the goal. No shift is unplanned. So when someone unexpectedly plucks one out of the air, and casually says "you don't need this anymore!", there is relief as the weight is gone, as you start to move the other balls more freely, have more time and space for them. It is also anti-climactic. When you have to control your anger, pain and rage, to channel them into something useful, something to help you rather than hinder you, it gives you a certain clarity of vision. You compress them, all into a single minded goal. It buoys you, gives you strength. You don't really think about the why, or the how, you just do. You take everything that is handed to you and use it. In the process the goal, is what you are working towards but it becomes almost mythical. It is not that you forget what you are fighting for, but that the process of the fight becomes all consuming. When it is finally over, it feels sudden, and you stumble. There are still more battles to be waged. More fights to be fought. He is still fighting the biggest battle of all, and we still know very little about what might be going on in his head. I am sure that this time next month, I will be relieved. For now, I am a bit at a loss. Still trying to find my new rhythm with one less ball to worry about. It is at these times when it all hits so hard again, like ripping the band-aid off of a wound. In the end, it is better to rip it off quickly, but at the moment you pull it off, it hurts. It is excruciating.

"My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been runnin' round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm following you girl
'Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find

And ever as I wander I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I every thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I've started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars forever

No I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I've started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Or come crashing through your door
Baby I can't fight this feeling anymore "
REO Speedwagon

Another Fork in the Road...

Over the last year, there have been many paths we have travelled that I thought we never would. Today marked the start of another one. There was no fanfare or celebrations, but today he became "retired" Sheriff's Detective Eric Christopher. I am not sure it is actually "official" as no one has notified me in writing or otherwise, but when we had our meeting, they gave me today as the day. It has been just over 15 months now. Fifteen excruciating long months, with few answers or understanding. Today marks the start on a new path. The symbol of another door closing. The finality of a part of him, and a part of our life together. In the land of uncertainty, it is defined. I do not know where it will lead, it is all uncharted territory for us. Another fork in the road.

The Week.

The week in review. It is hard to believe that after over a year of time, so much comes to a boiling point in the very same week. On Monday, I finally met with the county and had my questions answered. There was an apology given, an excuse, an explanation. "Things were complicated by WC...." I heard them. I understood what they were saying. I understood those complications from the beginning. I also told them, that while I appreciated the difficulties of the situation, had they simply communicated that they needed more time, instead of ignoring me. Ignoring all of my attempts at communicating, not calling on the days and times specified by them for such communication. That I made myself available each and every one of those times, but was left waiting. That the unforgivable part was not in the fact that they were unprepared to meet with me or discuss my questions. The unforgivable part was failing to keep me informed. Failing to tell me that they they had jumped the gun in initially agreeing to discuss it, and that they needed a little more time. Much of my frustration, my fears, my changing plans, the extra worry, all could have been relieved with a simple communication. I hope that is now surely understood. That being said, the meeting was fruitful. My questions were answered. He is set to be retired at the end of this month. I understand what that means. I know how it works. I know how long I will have medical coverage. Questions, answered. Wednesday was a hard day for me. Many people knew and I got quiet messages through the day. It was his 40th birthday. 40 years old. 22 years ago I met him, we were both just 18. I remember the first birthday gift I gave him. We had just been dating weeks. Mad magazine, red licorice, and liquid starch. (ROTC uniforms) I also gave him a card. I ran across that card recently when looking in his things for something. In all of these years I have not seen it. He saved it. On Thursday I had to go to court. To gain conservatorship of my 40 year old husband. Friday found me making the 4 hour drive back over to see him, and as it is Sunday afternoon, I am preparing to make that same drive home. The girls did not know it was his birthday this week. I kept it to myself. They knew we did "daddy's race" for his birthday and D brought a cake and everyone sang happy birthday and it was a good day. It was a happy day for them. I didn't want them to close their eyes that night missing him any more than they already do. I didn't want them to feel that loss any more sharply. I will drive home tonight, pick them, tuck them into bed, get their things ready for school in the morning. I will unpack our suitcases, and do the laundry, set out their clothes for the morning. I will have a nice long shower before bed, and when I am there, I will cry. I will cry because I miss him, because they miss him, and because of all he is missing. When I wake up in the morning, the week will start all over again. Another day. Another week.

Juddgement day.

Judgement day, but is it mine or is it theirs? After almost 3 months of aggressively trying to get answers from the county, they have finally agreed to meet with me. They are supposed to have answers to a specific list of questions. We will see. Out of the blue I recieved an e-mail that they were ready to meet with me and discuss the issues of my concern. It contained a perfunctory one line of generic apology. Not much concern for adding more onto my burden, no excuses for setting up phone meetings, then failing to call me, no apologies for failing to even respond to my multiple messages. No explanations for initially responding that they would discuss the issues with me, then completely ignoring my many attempts to contact them. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. I do take well to being ignored. I do not appreciate having unnecessary burdens put into my lap. I do not tolerate cowards, shirkers, or people that avoid their responsibilites well. We will see how they do with me. It is judgement day. Today I am thinking of him. Thinking of his way of facing the world, with honesty and integrity, yet willing to fight. I hope it doesn't come to that.

For him....

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

[Chorus:]
It's the eye of the tiger, it's
the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor
stalks his prey in the night
And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds, still we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive

[Chorus]

Risin' up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive.

Eye of the Tiger: Survivor

As the days fall into years....

It is hard to believe that this month is here. It marks 22 years of our relationship. 22 years since we met as 18 year old kids, out of the house for the first time, and anxious to find our own way in the world. 22 years of the best times I could ever dream of and of the worst. 22 years and I am the only one who thinks about it. The girls have no concept of time, and how amazing that is. He is not aware of the time or it's passage. It is enough time to have born a child, raised them, and seen them graduate from college. A long time, yet not enough time. It is funny, they say that people change. People don't change. They grow, they adapt but they don't change. At the core of my being I am still that same girl who met a boy in her college laundry room. The girl who was reserved, cautious, and responsible, who met the boy with the heart of a boy scout, and an adventurous spirit. She recognized in him the passion for life, the quest for adventure, and the humor that she longed for. She was excited to be able to be able to have someone to show her a different path, to always make her laugh. She was the anchor that held their foundation firm, sometimes while they travelled together, and often keeping it solid for him when he returned from his own adventures. She is still trying, but she misses the laughter, as the days fall into years...

In Her Daddy's Shoes...

Do you recognize those green eyes? How about that wide infectious smile? They are his, and she did him proud as she does every day. She ran her daddy's "birthday race", she greeted everyone we knew (and many we didn't) with cheers and high 5's as we were on the trail. She is amazing.

Victory is ours!

Well perhaps that is a tad melodramatic, but we are victorious because we all made it across the finish line! This year we had 5 registered 3 person teams, 3 registered solos, several of the team members did two legs of the race (their second leg just for fun)and one did the whole race for fun. We also had several others come out and walk the 4.5 miles with the girls and I. It was a great day. It was amazing. R, D & the Mehoffs joined us, and showed up with an amazing amount of food, which we all appreciated! He would have loved to have been there. We all had our shirts on, and every time we passed one of our shirts out there, we had big cheers. We had one team place 3rd in their category, we won an award for having the biggest "family" represented, we got a medal for the youngest registered participant (10 years old and he did the bike and the run! Although next year he will have competition as H ran the whole run as an unregistered participant!) and our star of the day G who did the entire triathlon (for the first time!) and won her category, but we all won that day. We all went out there in spite of all of the obstacles of the last year and we finished. I was listening to H & E talk about something the other day, and E said "well my daddy always says try, try again, and do your best". We did. We did our best. He would be proud.

We're off to see the Tinman....

We are leaving right after school tomorrow to head up for the triathlon. The race will be Sunday morning, but we will spend a little time enjoying the cooler weather and just relaxing before the big day. We are excited to have a great group of teams and several solo participants as well. We will bring out our shirts and have a good show. The girls know that we are going to do the race again for daddy. They are excited. They associate it with his birthday. They think the whole triathlon is a celebration of his birthday. We will all celebrate for him, doing something that he loved with people he loved. I haven't had much time for regular training, but am hoping the leaf blowing and weedeating that I have been doing, will be enough to get me over the finish line. MAC is coming down to swim for my team again so I figure she is my ace in the hole! We are packed. We are ready. We are off to see the Tinman....... See you there!

Still Standing..

The last two weeks have been busy ones. I feel like I am always saying that. The pace of life seems to have picked up so much, there is never enough time to fit it all in. Perhaps it is also as I tell the girls "Mommy has all the jobs to do right now". My jobs, his jobs and everyone else's jobs as it seems no one does their job any more. Some things have started to change for which I am grateful. Someone spoke to the SO on my behalf and made them aware of what was going on at the county. This ripple caused someone with a little more muscle than I have, to become involved. He has been able to get ahold of the people who have avoided my calls, and they have to have answers for him. Oh there is still bureaucracy, but things are starting to move forward and I think they understand that their actions are being observed. I really appreciate that. I suppose that knowing that they were causing me more stress and grief was not enough of an incentive to do the right thing, but knowing that others are holding them accountable was. I have finally been informed that they are moving forward with his retirement. I am not sure when it will all be in place, but at last I have been enlightened as to their intentions. There are many other factors still in play. I am at least expecting to be informed as the process moves forward. I spent a glorious day last week being deposed by the naughty people. It is excruciating sitting across the table from 3 lawyers while they probe the details of your life. Asking you ridiculous questions like "do your children have any effects from this event?" Words cannot express the profound impact this has made on their lives, on all of our lives. But the obvious answer is not good enough, they want to watch the emotion flood over you, they want to dissect your every move and response. They want to challenge you, your memories and your life. Seven hours of fun. Driving home to make it just in time for back to school night. Then off the next day to go and see him. Spend the weekend with him, then back in time for school. And then it starts over again. I am sure we will establish a new routine. H is still getting used to full day school, it is much more of a transition than I thought it would be. Kindergarten, I now realize was much a world of it's own, but first grade is a whole new deal. The first few days she came home looking like a victim of PTSD. She is adapting, slowly. She likes it, but so much change challenges her. She is talking about missing him alot again. How can she not miss him when things are challenging, he was her knight in shining armour, bigger than life, her daddy. And so we cycle back around again. Every night with the anticipation of the new day and the new challenge, brings up his loss. When she gets into bed, and is finally alone with her thoughts, I see the sadness reflected in her eyes. I would give everything to be able to take that away for her. E jumped right into preschool, it being so familiar to her. She lives so much more in the here and now, is more connected to me. It is a double edged sword. On one hand such a relief to be able to spare her some of the pain, but on the other hand, the deep sadness that her memories will not be as vivid. We are making a path, two steps forward, one step back. But at least we are still standing.

The Coward of the County...

Yep. Still nothing. No phone calls. No e-mails. No letters. Nothing. Nada. They have not contacted me in form to address my questions. How glorious. It is amazing to me that they still hold their heads up, while committing such a gross neglect to the family of an officer of this county. Not even return my calls. Not even send me a letter if they were too cowardly to speak to me on the phone.

Everyone considered him the coward of the county.
He never stood one single time to prove the county wrong.
His mama named him Tommy, the folks just called him yellow,
Something always told me they were reading Tommy wrong.

He was only ten years old when his daddy died in prison.
I looked after Tommy 'cause he was my brothers son.
I still recall the final words my brother said to Tommy:

"Son, my life is over, but yours is just begun.

Promise me, son, not to do the things I've done.
Walk away from trouble if you can.
It won't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek.
I hope you're old enough to understand:

Son, you don't have to fight to be a man!"

There's someone for evr'yone and tommy's love is Becky.
In her arms he didn't have to prove he was a man.
One day while he was workin' the Gatlin boys came callin'.
They took turns at Becky... there was three of them!

Tommy opened up the door and saw his Becky cryin'.
The torn dress, the shattered look was more than he could stand.
He reached above the fireplace and took down his daddy's picture.
As the tears fell on his daddy's face, He heard these words again:

"Promise me, son, not to do the things I've done.
Walk away from trouble if you can.
Now It won't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek.
I hope you're old enough to understand:

Son, you don't have to fight to be a man!"

The Gatlin boys just laughed at him, when he walked into the barroom.
One of them got up and met him halfway 'cross the floor.
When Tommy turned around they said, Hey look! ol yellows leavin'.
But you coulda heard a pin drop when tommy stopped and locked the door.

Twenty years of crawlin' was bottled up inside him.
He wasn't holdin' nothin' back; he let 'em have it all.
When tommy left the barroom not a Gatlin boy was standin'.
He said, this ones for Becky, as he watched the last one fall.

Twenty years of crawlin' was bottled up inside him.
He wasn't holdin' nothin' back; he let 'em have it all.
When tommy left the barroom not a Gatlin boy was standin'.
He said, this ones for Becky, as he watched the last one fall.

And I heard him say,

"I promised you, dad, not to do the things you've done.
I walk away from trouble when I can.
Now please don't think I'm weak, I didn't turn the other cheek,
And papa, I sure hope you understand:

Sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man".

Kenny Rogers-

The Tinman

Summer is ending, school is beginning. I ended the last weeks of summer by first getting my first ever case of poison oak. My eyes swollen shut, arms, legs, covered. I tried all of the over the counter aids, nothing worked, as I slowly watched myself swell like a balloon. I finally went to immediate care and got the shot. Good choice. If I ever look at poison oak again, I am going down and getting the shot. I recommend the shot. I love the shot. Cleared up enough to drive over to see him, only to come home to the stomach flu. Now that I am at the end of that one, it is time to get some walking in for the Tinman. Yes we are doing it again. Not as much fanfare as last year, I think it snuck up on all of us, but I think we have 5 relay teams and 3 soloists signed up. (I think the Mehoff family will be there too, not in the count) MAC is coming down from Portland to swim for us again, and we will again break out our shirts and celebrate him. His life and his love of life. An important thing for his girls and for all of us to be reminded of. So if you are there, come and see us. We won't be hard to miss.

School is Here!

It has been a busy summer. I can't believe that school is about to start. It just doesn't seem possible that another school year is starting and he won't be there. H is going into first grade. She is excited, thrilled, and can't wait to be back with all of her friends. E moves onto another year of preschool, this time with N as her teacher and she is equally exicted. Of course I am excited for them. I happy that someone else will have a turn to entertain them, as they have their father's energy and it can be exhausting being the only one on deck. Especially H, she has her father's blue green eyes, his smile, his quickness to laugh, and also his relentless energy. She literally bounces down the hall, cannot stand still and have a conversation with me, watches TV by bouncing herself like a pinball off the livingroom furniture. Something I know all too well. I lived with it for the last 20 years. A friend once called me and during the course of our conversation, she asked where Eric was. I told her I had locked him outside. "Locked him outside??" She was confused. "Locked him outside!" I confirmed. I told him that he had to play outside for awhile, because I was getting ready for company and he was bouncing off the walls in the house driving me nuts. Oh he ran from door to door making faces for awhile, before giving up and finding something else to entertain him. Now I am raising his daughter without his help. She is him. Entertaining, infectious, happy, athletic, outgoing, amazing.

Disrespect.

I am tired of being disrespected. I understand that what is going on in my life right now, is simply part of the job to some people. I understand that. But if it is part of their job, they should do their job. I have never travelled down this path before and their are bound to be forks in the road, a map would be nice, but if one is not available, then there should at least be someone I can stop and ask for directions. I knew that his year on WC was getting close to and end, but I did not know what happens next. Does it end right at a year? What happens from there? Does he retire? Go on disability? How does that all work? I asked the questions but no one had answers for me. I had a meeting at Human Resources for the county months and months ago. I had questions for them then, many of them they were unprepared to answer, but they promised to get the answers for me and get back to me. Still waiting. I asked when WC was going to end and what happens next. I got a letter dated 7/9/10 informing me that his WC benefits were "going" to end on 6/26/10. Yeah 13 days after they ended they mailed me the letter. Nice. At the end of June I contacted Human Resources again, trying to have my questions answered. Tried several times to get ahold of the main person, only to be told almost 2 weeks later that he was on vacation and someone else would be helping me. That person sent me an e-mail saying that he was getting the information together, and would be prepared to go over all of my questions. I asked for him to call me the following day. He did not. I got a coworker who told me that he would call me the following day. He did not. I contacted HR again, this time I got an e-mail from the coworker again, saying that the man could call me any one of 5 times over the next two days. I said great. I would have my phone with me the whole time and he could call me during any of the 5 times they suggested. Two days passed and I did not get a call. I contacted the coworker again, and said that I had not received my call. I was informed that the man had to go out of town but that my concerns "were a priority to him" and that he would call me back the next Tuesday when he returned. That was this Tuesday. Yup you guessed it, no call. Not Tuesday, not Wednesday, not Thursday, not today Friday. A priority, right. I have been trying to contact them for a month. A month I have been waiting to find out what is happening to our future. Do we still have benefits? How long do they last? What can I expect? A month, and they cannot get back to me. If this is your job, do your job. Because what is your job is my life. My livelihood. My future. Do I really not have enough to deal with, enough uncertainty, enough instability? It is disrespectful to me. It is disrespectful to him. And it is disrespectful to all of the people who are still doing that job, thinking that if something happens to them, that their families will be taken care of. Disrespectful.

When it rains....it pours......

It seems that I have more lessons to learn. My life is not destined to be a smooth path for sometime. I was just trying to plan out my last weeks of summer, to make the best choices for him, for the girls, for us as a family, when another curve ball landed in my lap. K went into the hospital. She is never sick. She is my rock. She was in the hospital for 8 days, right across the hall from where he had been. The first time I came flying out of the elevator, it was like it had opened a window to my past. She is out and better now, but as I was gaining strength again, it took me back to feeling vulnerable. She is the one here who has been with me longer than him. It was humbling, again. I was fortunate that S had come to stay and help me with some projects at home, because she was able to stay with the girls and let me go to the hospital. When I saw her walk out of there, I was much relieved. I had already been planning to take her girls and mine to Portland to visit his sisters, and we decided to continue with the plan. As we were on our way, I got the news that he was being transferred two weeks early. While we were to be gone. They changed the plan again. I understand why they did it, but I am not mentally prepared to deal with sudden change right now. I need time to adapt the plan. I need time to get used to any changes, to figure out how the change is going to affect every other piece of the plan. I knew that his time would be up at the beginning of August and that it would be time to move him back closer to home. That was the plan. They decided to move him for a month to a transitional care facility that DrD still works with so that she can continue to monitor his progress for a little longer and then after a month, another evaluation to decide on the next step. He will continue with his drug therapy and to receive 15 hours of therapy per week, in hopes of seeing more improvements. I want him to be in the best place for him, but I am also getting frayed. I have alot of balls in the air and my arms are getting tired from juggling. K made me promise after her hospital stay, that I would take care of myself. A task that should be second nature but seems like another burden to juggle. I promised. I am trying. I just don't know how many more balls I can keep in the air at a time. I am struggling to find a balance. It just seems that when it rains, it pours.

The Thirteenth Year.

Today is our 13th anniversary, this past year being the 13th year of our marriage. If I was not superstitous before, this year has not inclined me towards the number thirteen. H asked me recently about our wedding "ball" and I pulled out our pictures and let the girls look through them, seeing us as we were and so many other familiar faces. They were delighted to compare us all then and now. Daddy didn't have any facial hair, but uncle S had a moustache! I let them each choose a picture to keep out for themselves. We have a few of the formal posed ones in the hall at the house, but they each chose a candid shot of the day. In the past weeks, those photos have found their way to tea parties, the trampoline, a picnic basket, and a trip the the beach among others. It is interesting for me to observe, and think back to that day and those two people standing there, having no idea how this life would unfold for them. The innocence. The anticipation. The love. The dreams. Some dreams have come true, as I see the picture of their dad and I propped up next to a naked barbie, an oversize tea cup in front of it, a small child happily chattering away to them both. And some have been undeniably crushed. I remember that couple, not quite kids but still not quite grown, making their plans, thinking of their future and celebrating life. I think of the song we danced to, and how it seemed that we had forever stretching out in front of us...

I'll always remember the song they were playin',
The first time we danced and I knew,
As we swayed to the music and held to each other,
I fell in love with you.

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?

I'll always remember that magic moment,
When I held you close to me.
'Cause we moved together, I knew forever,
You're all I'll ever need

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
(anne murray)

I never thought that time would pass so quickly, that days could seem so excrutiatingly long. I never thought I would be a mother, whose children's father never saw a single day of their school life. I never thought the thirteenth year would be life shattering. Forever altering. I have spent the last two days with him, and as with every milestone, it makes me emotional. It makes me so deeply sad. This was not our plan, the life we laid out together. This is not even a speed bump. This is irrecvocable, a wound that will never heal. I knew there would be hard times, life would be difficult. and I still signed on.

These times are troubled and these times are good
And they're always gonna be, they rise and they fall
We take 'em all the way that we should
Together you and me forsaking them all
Deep in the night and by the light of day
It always looks the same, true love always does
And here by your side, or a million miles away
Nothin's ever gonna change the way that I feel,
The way it is, is the way that it was

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Well this old world keeps changin', and the world stays the same
For all who came before, and it goes hand and hand
Only you and I can undo all that we became
That makes us so much more, than a woman and a man
And after everything that comes and goes around
Has only passed us by, here alone in our dreams
I know there's a lonely heart in every lost and found
But forever you and I will be the ones
Who found out what forever means

When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Truer than true, you know that I'll always be there for you
That's what I had in mind, that's what I had in mind,
When I said I do
(clint black)